Confessions of a Bipolar Girl

Essential Oils for the Treatment of Mental Illness & Other Stuff

2012-03-06T04:20:00.000-08:00

Essential Oils PDF Link

Previously I have talked about the studies of aroma and how scents/aroma can change our moods.

Peppermint, Lavender and Jasmine are all documented in scientific studies to combat Depression. Those scents lift the spirits and keep away Depression. This is documented in scientific journals and is for real. It isn't some New Agey Thing. I am not a New Agey person. I believe in scientific data. I believe in the power of science and math!

I've never heard of Noroli before, but it is listed at the link as an Anti-depressant scent.

Please take a look at the link for more details on Essential Oils and other oils that are good for you if you have a problem with Depression of Anxiety. You can use Essential Oils for Aromatherapy for natural relief.

At night before I go to sleep I spray on my pillow case an aroma therapy mixture I bought premade from Bath and Body Works. It is a RELAX scent of Cedarwood and Sage. It is FANTASTIC! I love it! I makes me melt into the pillow and drift off to sleep. it does help me to unwind and drift off to sleep.

I bought the Relax Cedarwood and Sage Aromatherapy Soothing Pillow Mist Spray because it was marked down. I didn't expect it to work so well. It is FAB-U-LOUS! Love it! Love it! Love it! I breathe it in and feel myself unwind.

I was skeptical about aromatherapy...but I am now a believer. Seeing is believing. It really does help me get good sleep.

I do believe Essential Oils can be added to the regiment of a mental health patient to help them get some nice relief from their symptoms. Certainly, aromatherapy is not going to last all day long. Scents wear off. It is not practical for a day use. But when you come home from a long day you can do aromatherapy to unwind. You can do aromatherapy to get good, refreshing sleep. The aromatherapy bottle can be carries with you in your purse for a quick scent pick me up throughout the day. You can use scents to ward off Depression and fight Anxiety to give you relief from fear, constant worry, panic attack, anxiety and depression.

Just taking a small break from the over stimulation of the brain is helpful to the brain. If the brain gets 15-20 minutes relief that is better than nothing and helpful to the brain. For that 15-20 the brain stopped pumping out adrenaline, cortisol and all the other hormones it produces too much of when we are stressed. Catching a breaking and lowering production of those stress hormones is helpful EVEN IF it is only for 15-20 minutes. Something is better than nothing at all.

If you use an Essential Oils to lift Depression five times a day and get 20 minutes of relief each time that is 1 hour and 40 minutes your brain got a break from the stress hormones and for a moment was not flooded. This is substantial!

If you use Essential Oils to lower your Anxiety level it will take some time for your Anxiety level to rise again. This gives your brain and your body a break.

It is UNRELENTING STRESS that kills us. If our stress comes and goes, comes and goes it is manageable because it comes to end and our body returns to a resting state. If our stress never leaves us THAT is the stress that kills us. We do not get the opportunity to return to a resting state. Unrelenting stress tears up our Immune System and gives us Adrenal Fatigue and Adrenal Failure. You don't want that.

Make sure you do things to nurture your mind, body and soul.

Take a bubble bath
dance
sing
watch a stand up comic live/on TV/on DVD/on YouTube
watch America's Funniest Home Videos/set your DVR to record the show

Take a Hooping Class (hula hooping to lose weight with weighted hula hoops that break apart for easy transport. Hooping has the "giggle factor" as it is fitness, weight loss, but fun and funny at the same time.)

Take Hatha Yoga/Iyengar Yoga/Kundalini Yoga (beginner classes) for mind focus, better sleep, flexibility, better balance, a yoga butt, more strength, to become more limber.

The cheapest Yoga classes are through Park and Recreation Department. Check your local catalog. The next cheapest listing is classes at your local Community College. The most expensive classes are those at private yoga studios. Park and Rec and colleges beat the rates of yoga studios.

Buy a STICKY YOGA MAT instead of a non-sticky mat as your feet will stick to it better and you won't slip or fall over. Yoga bags can be found online at places like Amazon.com. Wash the Yoga mat in the tub. Unroll it. wash it with antibacterial soup for at least four minutes before rinsing and hanging to dry. Yoga mats can be found at Target, Sports Chalet, sporting goods places and Amazon.com.

Yoga is done barefoot. If you are sweating you will fall over or slide if your feet are wet. Hence, you want the sticky mat so your feet stick to one spot.

Go for a walk to the park where you can hear the song birds sing and maybe feed the ducks. Ducks always love to be fed. They don't care who you are and they will listen to you as long as you feed them bread or popcorn. They will hang out at your feet and listen to you all day long. Ducks never judge! Ducks criticize!

Feed the squirrels at the park. They don't judge or criticize either. They are clowns and can provide hours of laughter just by watching them run around like crazy things. When I was in college I fed the tree dwelling and ground dwelling squirrels on my campus. They were fat piggies who were bold and came right up to you to beg. They were really fat because the students fed them. They were a bunch of clowns as they argued with each other. The males would push aside the pregnant females to get the food. They were not gallant at all. Some were so obese when they can down on their butt their belly fat engulfed their back legs and the back legs disappeared. They looked like a huge rolly polly squirrel with only front legs that I could knock over with a flick of my finger. They would look at me with big eyes to say, "Pleeeeeeeas. I want some too!" They were sad and pathetic. They had begging down to an art. They were cute. They were fun. They were funny. We all enjoyed them.

I used to feed the squirrels between exams to calm down my stress level. I still think of squirrels and feeding them as a way to calm my stress level.

I like to go to the beach and listen to the sound of the ocean. Hearing the sound of the crashing waves calms me. I also like the sound of children, running, laughing and giggling in the water. It reminds me of summer time. I sit on the warm sand, close my eyes and feel the cool ocean breeze on my skin and in my hair. I feel the hot sun warming my skin. I smell the salt air. I listen to the sounds of the waves crashing to hear how they are breaking that day. Are they breaking close to shore or far out? How high are they breaking today? I can hear the roar of the curl as the wave turns over on itself. I love that sound! I love the sound of the white water. It sound frothy!

I listen to the skim boarders wiz past me. I listen to the kids squealing with delight as the waves lap at their feet. I listen to the joggers run past me. I listen to the sounds of the volleyball on the volleyball court and the players. I listen to the surfers talk to each about the break. I wiggle my feet and toes into the warm sand and as I go deeper the sand goes cooler. When I tough my fingers to the sand it is touch to the touch, but when bury my fingers under the sand it is cool.

The smell of the salt air....ah, there is nothing like it to bring instant melting of tension, anxiety, worry, fears and depression. The beach is wonderful like that. It is an instant tonic for what ails you. The sights. The sounds. The smells. The heat. The cool breeze. The food. The water. The water sports. The hot guys! It all works. If I go at night it works as the plankton glows in the dark and the waves shimmer in the dark. The waves look iridescent and beautiful. Watching the dolphins ride the waves during the day is such a joy. Seeing them flip a surfer off his board is always funny. I can do without the sharks, but, hey, you can't have everything. It is pretty close to perfect.

Catalina Island on the shoulder season when the tourists are gone is phenomenal. I like the para-sailing and I am afraid of heights! I did it anyway and I was glad that I did. I like the glass bottom boat ride. They throw out chum to attract the fish and boy do they show up to eat. SCUBA Diving on Catalina Island is FAN-TAS-TIC! They have a kelp forest and the fish, eels, shrimp, lobsters, etc. hide in there. It is really fabulous. It isn't as good as Hawaii, The Great Barrier Reef or The Cayman Islands, but it is really good for what we have locally. My favorite has to be the Cayman Islands.

I've been thinking about:
What is good for me physically.
What lifts my spirit.
What nurtures me mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.
How to avoid people who tear me down and tear me apart.

I need to move. My living situation is out of fucking control. I can't stay here. The situation is dangerous and killing me mentally and emotionally. It is bad. It really fucking bad.

I tried to tell my psychiatrist about: the drug addicts, alcoholics, rampant mental illness, violence, physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, death threats, threats of suing, threats of harm, attempts to strangle me, having to tell my father "Get off me or I will call 911 to have you arrested." Then he called me, "INSANE and CRAZY!" over and over and over again. He threatened to lock me up on a 5150 because I defied him and would not take a beating from him. In other words he would lie to the cops to get me locked up for as long as he liked.

I explained this to my psychiatrist and his response was....."You have a victim mentality." Dude, I am afraid for my life. I don't think that is a victim mentality. That is fucking reality. You dumb shit. This is my reality.

I need to see my psychiatrist one more time and then I am leaving him for good. He just keeps INSULTING ME! I get enough of that from my family. WHY WOULD I PAY SOMEONE TO INSULT ME? He seems to have this idea that people are not as mentally ill as they are in my family.

I told him about some criminal things / insane thing my brother had done that earned him a 5150 and lost him his right to buy and own a gun. It was shocking and pretty out there. My doctor said, "Is that true?" Dude, I couldn't make THAT up if I tried! Hell, yeah it is true. Ask his ex-wife! It is definitely true. Ask the person he did it to! They will tell you. Ask the police department! Just the fact that he questioned me shows me he doesn't trust me. He doesn't believe me. It also shows he is not hip to the fact that there are some sick fucks out there and there are some of us who come some seriously damaged homes! This is not a June Cleaver home! Both mom and dad beat us because it was Tuesday! AND they CONTINUE to hit me.

Once a violent asshole, always a violent asshole.

Sister Falling Apart and My Poor Niece

2012-02-23T12:48:00.000-08:00

My sister had been in a steady slide down into Bipolar hell, but she adamantly refuses to accept any kind of help in any form. She will not take vitamins, minerals, herbs, supplements of any kind, exercise, do yoga, go to a support group, go to therapy, take medications and instead crawls into a bottle of alcohol to get into a drunken stupor and takes Meth to stay up for 3-4 days at a time. She falls asleep when the Meth is all gone. Her teeth are falling out and she has Meth Mouth from twenty three years of Meth use.

Her first child she gave up for adoption is in a wheel chair with Cerebral Palsy due to her Meth use while she was pregnant with him. He was born three months premature and nearly died due to her Meth use. She almost killed him and herself with her Meth use. She was hospitalized for a month to recover and her son was hospitalized for several months. He is now one years old. He has no use of his arms of legs. She feels guilty about this so she drinks more and does more drugs to numb out rather going into therapy and facing her feelings. Lord knows....we can't do that. My sister is ruled by fear. She runs from life. She runs to the bottle of alcohol and Meth. She numbs her thoughts and feelings by escaping into a drunken binge and the high of Meth. She pukes all over the place. She passes out wherever she drops. I have found her in some very odd places and had to pick her up. Her 17 year old daughter has become a pot head to numb her own pain of what she deals with seeing her mom and her fucked up jail bird, alcoholic, Meth addict, absent, deadbeat dad father.

My sister has Bipolar and this manifests by her not sleeping, Hypersexuality, fucking every man she can find, acting like her bedroom door has a rotating door on it. She fucks one man, throws him out, calls another one, fucks him, throws him out, calls another one, fucks him, throws him out and continues this all day. Her daughter sees this behavior. My sister can't get a hold of her Hypersexuality so she uses men and tosses them out in her frustration to get rid of her sexual energy that doesn't seem to bottom out BECAUSE IT CAN'T! She doesn't understand no matter how many times I explain it to her or how many ways I put to it to her that she is hurting herself, opening herself up to STDs and exposing her daughter to things she should not see. Her daughter should not see promiscuous behavior. That is not a good example.

My sister is a Meth addict. She has been a Meth addict for over 20 years. She lies to us and says, "I quit." It is just a lie. She did not quit. She says it to shut us up from telling her, "You need to quit." She has never expressed a desire to quit. She has never said, "I am tired of this. I am an addict. I don't like it anymore. I want to quit." Instead she says, "I like it. I want to keep doing it." There is no desire or motivation for her to quit. Her teeth are falling out and she doesn't care. So what? Pass the Meth.

She binge drinks. I am unsure of whether or not she is an alcoholic as she hides her alcohol consumption. It is hard to tell the extent of her alcohol problem. Her ex-husband is a Meth addict and a full blown alcoholic. Due to this they used to use together and that made them an explosive couple. Her ex-husband used to beat her in a violent drug and alcohol fueled rage. It took me eight years to convince her to leave him. Eight years to talk her into filing for a divorce. Am I persistent or what?

She was thrown into jail over the weekend for unpaid tickets that turned into warrants. She called her minor daughter to bail her out. Her daughter freaked out and became a stress case. Then her minor daughter smoked a lot of pot to calm down.

My niece needs medical attention. My niece needs mental health attention. My niece has asked repeatedly and begged for help. My sister will not take her. This is neglect on the part of my sister. She is neglecting the medical needs and mental health needs of a diagnosed child.

The calls for help from my niece have grown more and more urgent. According to CPS I am legally obligated to report my sister....so I did. I filed a Child Protective Services Report against my neglectful sister to protect her minor daughter.

I feel bad as my sister could lose her career. She was just fired under very suspicious circumstances. My report could cause her to lose her nursing license as they do not want an addict nurse to have access to more drugs. Or to be treating patients whose care depends on a fucked up addict. She could lose her apartment. She could lose her kid. She could lose everything. But it might be the thing that makes her wake the FUCK UP and quit Meth? I doubt it. I am trying to save my niece. My sister is a lost cause, but there is hope for my niece.

I can't take my niece without a court order and guardianship. They are thousands of miles away from me. I can't afford to go there or hire an attorney. My niece has developed codependency, enmeshment, enabling behavior and it really is a mess. My nieces head is all twisted up in knots with all the mental issues that go with living with an addict.

My sister has Bipolar II Disorder, PTSD, OCD, Social Anxiety Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and prefers to use Meth and drink alcohol heavily as a way to cope with her emotions and moods. She avoids doctors and meds because she sees it as "weak" and she is strong, plus she doesn't want anyone looking at her too closely. My sister prefers to get high and numb out. She has taught this to her daughter and now my niece smokes pot as a way to numb out and escape her own emotions. Must not feel! Must escape! Must feel nothing! Pass the Meth. Because of my sister's Meth use her Bipolar is much, much worse now. I am not sure it is even treatable.

My niece is on probation for skipping school. The CPS woman said they will not do anything, but she jumped on me when I said, "My niece is on probation for skipping school. She can't be around drugs...." The CPS lady said I am calling her PO and the PO will handle it. Oh, great. That worked out so well!?! No wonder people don't file a report with CPS. You do NOTHING! So, you call the PO so it can piss off my niece that now her nasty Probation Officer is advised of the situation. Great! Just Great! I could have done that myself. Now my niece will stop talking to me. Argh! This is why I hate Foster Care, CPS and departments like that. They are fucking morons! Stupid Social Workers! Useless!

The cops told me they can't do anything about my sister unless they catch her in the act. The mental health department said they can not take her into custody, compel her to attend rehab, take Bipolar meds, Anti-Anxiety meds, OCD meds, go into a pscyh hospital. No one can do a damn thing about her. I called everyone and asked a ton of questions. No one will do anything or help. "My hands are tied."

The general consensus between me, her friends and her daughter is that she is headed for death. I have prepared myself for that eventuality, but my niece has not. I don't know what to say to her. Baby, your mom has been killing herself since she was 13 years old. What do I say? Sorry both your parents are Meth addicts, your dad is an alcoholic and your mom might be one too. Sorry your parents can't stay out of jail. Sorry your parents are children in grown adult bodies.

Poor kid. What a raw deal.

The straw that broke the camel's back was an attempted rape on my niece and my sister was unresponsive when my niece told her. That was when I reached my limit. My sister is in such a drunken stupor and so high on Meth she can't respond or handle the situation. Normally, she would have castrated that boy. She can't do anything about anything when she is drunk and high on Meth. She is a broken toy that can't be fixed.

EDIT:

I read online that taking METH is very common among the mentally ill population. The estimates of mentally ill people in the meth addict population are shockingly high. Mental Health Workers feel that people who are mentally ill start Meth as a way to Self Medicate rather than taking meds from a psychiatrist to treat their illness. This would fit the description of my sister to a T. She has been been addicted since she was 15 when she first became ill with Bipolar II Disorder. As a response to Bipolar II Disorder she went to Meth. She considers going to see a psychiatrist, going to a therapist again (she went because her daughter was molested and the court offered it to them to recover from the trauma), going to gamblers anonymous, narcotics anonymous, sexaholics anonymous, Codependents Anonymous (CoDA), debtors anonymous (shopaholic) and all the other impulsive things she does to be out of the question. She will NOT do it.

I fear my sister is going to die an alcoholic, Meth addict, gambling addict, shopaholic, food addict, smoker, etc. and never get clean or sober. She is stubborn and refuses to change. She thinks what she does is fine and there is no problem.

My sister's daughter is even MORE HARD HEADED than my sister. I am trying to help my niece, but I fear it is an uphill battle. I feel I am casting pearls before swine and wasting my time.

I hate to write them off, but it seems like such a waste of time to even bother with them. They don't want to do anything different. They are stubborn to the Nth degree. They are hard headed. They think they are right. They think the rules do not apply to them and they should get "Special Rules" because they are "Special and Unique." Eye roll. Isn't everyone special and unique in their own way? Who can't make that claim? They really are full of themselves.

No one died and made them Queen of the Universe. I never got that memo. Did you get the memo? As far as I know they are not the ruling bodies of the universe. They need get over this whole idea and attitude "I am so much more special than anyone else" because it is false. It is actually false bravado for low self esteem. If you puff yourself up and make yourself look good and big...maybe people will buy into and buy what you are selling. I don't buy it. I know better. It is nothing but an act to cover up low self esteem.

When a person acts haughty sometimes they truly do think that way, but other times it is an act to cover up the fact that their self esteem in in the toilet and they are trying to convince other people to value them highly because they do not values themselves very highly and they want someone, anyone to place a high value on them so they can feel good about themselves. This is what my sister and her daughter do. I have their number. I know what they are all about. I can spot a faker from a mile away.

I know a real arrogant person from a faker who is hiding low self esteem from a mile away. I know who you are! You are my sister! I shock people when I tell them, "Drop the act. I know you are faking it. You are a scared little puppy with low esteem. Now just stop it! Act properly! I will smack the taste right out of your mouth if you don't act right and treat me with respect." They act right after that.

I've had people ask me, "How did you know I was faking it?" I told them, "Because you are just like my sister and I can spot your kind from a mile away. You guys are easy to spot. You always have a tell. Each person is different, but you each have a tell. I look for the tell. You are terrible at poker because you have a tell. You can't hide who and what you are. It will come through. I can see it." For some reason people think they can hide who they are. You can't hide who you are! Someone, somewhere has you figured out. They just don't tell you, but they do have you figured out. This is why people get caught and sent to jail or prison.

Prescription Assistance Program Contact Information on NAMI

2012-02-19T07:12:00.000-08:00

NAMI is a non-profit charity organization dedicated to helping and supporting the friends, family, neighbors, coworkers and loved ones of the mentally ill. It is not an organization for the mentally ill. They have education classes. They have support groups. They have more, but I forget what all they offer. My mom took the education class and came out of it meaner to me than she was going in so it doesn't always work. It depends on the person. I think it bothered her to hear about herself. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and it bothered her to hear about it. The class is on ALL disorders. My mom is as looney as they come. Her family ends up locked up in psych hospitals for most of their life so how she escaped the mental hospital is beyond me. I think it is because my thumb sucking, excessively needy, infant of a father takes care of her.

NAMI = National Alliance on Mental Illness

NAMI is a national American charity organization. If your friends, family or loved ones need classes to understand you this it the place to go. If your friends, family or loved ones need a support group where they can get support from other people also dealing a mentally ill patient this is the place for them to find support and support group meetings. This is also a place with lots of literature. They cover every kind of mental illness and not just Bipolar. Since other mental illnesses can be co-occurring with Bipolar such as ADHD, OCD, PTSD, eating disorders, addictions like alcoholism and drug addiction, Anxiety Disorders such as SAD or GAD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, etc. this is a handy place to go. Bipolar does not typically travel in a vacuum all by itself. Other things piggy back on it. Mental illness tends to travel in clusters. Mental health professionals refer to these clusters as "Sister Illnesses" or "Traveling Companions" because where you find one kind of mental illness you are likely to find the Sister Illnesses that travel with it. I think of them as sisters that always get into a car together and go everywhere together. They never travel alone. They are pack animals and go everywhere together. That sucks for me as it means I get more than just Bipolar. I get a party in my head. Wooo Hoooo! Here comes another Sister Illness. Come and join the party!

NAMI.org

Because brand name prescriptions are so unbelievably expensive and out of reach for a lot of people most drug manufacturers has a Patient Prescription Drug Assistance Program to help patient afford their drugs. These programs are for people who are low income such as on disability or earning low income. If you are permanent disability due to mental illness or physical illness you qualify for this program. Your doctor fills out paperwork and submits to the drug company to enter you into the program is my understanding of how the program works. I have not used to the program yet so I could be wrong about how it functions.

Each program has a website and 800 phone number. Please look up the program or call the number for more details.

My doctor told me he will put me into the program for Strattera. He said, "Drug companies give the drugs for free or at a very low cost to patients who can not afford the drugs." He is the doctor who has experience with the program. I will take his word for it.

NOTE: This program is NOT for generic drugs. It is only for brand name drugs still on a patent. It is for new drugs on the patent that are very expensive. Generic drugs are already inexpensive so they do not qualify for an assistance program. Generic drugs would fall under MediCare (federal) and/or your state program such as MediCal (California program) or whatever the program is in your state. If you are on permanent disability you should have already applied for federal assistance for medical help through MediCare and through your state program such as MediCal if you are in California. If you need help you can call your local social services office or social security office for a social worker to help you apply. They can explain to you the paperwork and what to do.

Here is the link to the NAMI page with the list of drug company contact information for their Patient Assistance Programs. If you know the manufacturer of a drug that you take you can figure out which drug manufacturer program you need to be under. Simply look up the drug and you can find out who makes it. The official website for the drug will tell you who makes the drug. The NAMI page lists some of the drugs, but not all of them. Simply look up your drug. Find the manufacturer. Contact the Manufacturer Drug Patient Assistant Program for help and go from there. Ask your doctor for help. I have to 20 doctors and my current doctor is the very first doctor to ever say to me the words Patient Assistance Program. No one ever told me before. I told them I could not afford to pay $1,200 per month for a drug and be on 20 drugs just like that in one month. It was impossible for me to afford that. That doctor treated me like I was made of money. Yeah, I have a money tree in the backyard. I puck money off the tree when I need it. I had to push and push and push and push and push my current doctor to get him to volunteer that the Patient Assistance Program exists. He didn't tell me right away. It was only my constant refusal to take expensive drugs I can not afford to take and also afford to eat a meal at the same time that he finally, finally told me about the programs. I would have never known about the Patient Assistance Program if he wouldn't have finally broken down and told me about it. I had to wear him down. I accepted the expensive drug Strattera on a free month trial with the promise he would put me into the Patient Assistance Program. Otherwise? I said, "It is a no go."

Doctors think patients are made of money and they have no understanding of what a struggle it is to afford their expensive office visits and the expensive meds they prescribe. You have to speak up. Stand up for yourself or your doctor will run right over you. Doctors lack empathy and can not put themselves in our shoes. It is our job as a patient to stand up, shout, jump on their desk and scream, "NOOOO! I can't do it! You ask the impossible! You pay for it! I can't afford it! You pay for it and I will take it. It is simply too expensive. Come up with a cheaper solution." When I tell my doctors I will take it if they pay for it they find me something cheaper....real quick. All of a sudden when they had said there were no alternatives an alternative is found. Lesson learned? The meek, submissive and passive are run over by their doctor. The assertive, aggressive and people who stand up for themselves and won't t take crap off their doctor get what they want! Just because they have M.D. behind their name doesn't give them the right to push us around or shortchange us on our treatment. Our money is green like anyone else. We deserve good treatment like any other patient. I stand up and demand my fair shake! I suggest you do the same. Do not put up with a doctor slamming you into a drug you can not afford. Say, "NO! It is too expensive. I won't take it. Find me something else that is more affordable or put me in a Patient Assistance Program or I won't take it. I can't afford it." Let the doctor figure it out. That is their job.

NAMI Prescription Drug Patient Assistance Programs

Drug manufacturers do not publicize that they have these programs. Doctors do not publicize that these programs are available. Doctors do not talk to patients about this option. It is a well kept secret.

Previously I posted the webpage for the DBSA DBSAlliance.org site where they list the Patient Assistance Programs as well. This is now from the NAMI site. I don't recall which list is more thorough the NAMI or the DBSA site. You can look at both and compare.

MEDICATION HELP

2012-02-13T18:05:00.000-08:00

There was an article in my localnewspaper, Orange County Register, about how to get help to pay foryour medications. Here is the article.

Need help paying for your medicine?NeedyMeds.org is a nonprofitorganization devoted to helping people pay for their medical needs,particularly prescription drugs. This website provides a roundup ofpatient assistance programs offered by drug companies and otheravailable resources. The organization also offers rebates, couponsand trial sizes of various medications.

NeedyMeds.org

WALMART PRESCRIPTION DEALS

2012-02-05T20:25:00.000-08:00

There was an article in my local newspaper The Orange County Register today on the Walmart Prescription Deals that allow you to get prescription medications at a lower rate. I wanted to let you know in case any of yout wanted to check it out and make use of it. Bipolar Meds, Anti-Anxiety Meds, ADHD Meds, Anti-Depressants Meds for Clinical Depression/Unipolar Depression/Major Depression or whatever you want to call it are all quite expensive.

The article says, "You can get your medicine delivered to your home for FREE - and it only costs $10 for a 90-day supply, even if you don't have insurance. Walmart's program includes hundreds of common generic drugs. Not all medicines qualify. Call customer service at 1-800-2RE-FILL or look online at walmart.com/cp/Pharmacy-Home-Delivery/1042239 And FYI, Walmart still offers its $4 per month generic refills."

Over the years my doctors have told me the best deals on prescriptions can be found at Walmart, Target, CostCo and Sam's Club. The big warehouse stores have good prices on prescriptions. They have better prices than than the traditional pharmacies. I have not heard of Walmart having delivery service in the past. This seems to be a new service they are offering to be competitive with the other pharmacies that do deliveries. Delivery service is becoming more and more common as pharmacies must compete against each other. Canadian pharmacies deliver to US citizens. Pharmacies from around the world deliver to US citizens. My compounding pharmacy in Costa Mesa, Orange County, California ships around the world to clients who they compound for. I am seeing more pharmacies do compounding and ship around the world than ever before as demand is rising for this service. It is getting easier to find compounding, shipping and local delivery. Prices for local delivery and shipping are not as high as they used to be thing have gotten more competitive between the pharmacies. This is good news for consumers and medical patients.

I do not trust "Canadian Pharmacies" as I have had friends place orders from them only to have the drugs arrive from Brazil or China. Just because a website says, "From Canada", "In Canada", "Canadian Pharmacy", "Medicines From Canada", "Medications From Canada", etc. doesn't make it true. They say that and the drugs are from Thailand, Brazil, the Philippines, China and not even what they say they selling to you. An investigation was done and it was found a lot of these foreign "drugs" are phony/fake and counterfeit. In one case the counterfeiters were scraping up the yellow road paint off the streets and highways, grinding it up, adding filler and selling it as a drug. Unsuspecting buyers were ingesting reflective paint. Viagra is something that is counterfeited on a regular basis because the profit margin is so high. Any drug that is extremely expensive is counterfeited by someone around the world and marketed as the real thing. If you ingest the counterfeit substance you will become ill from going off your real meds and from the phone, toxic substance you begin ingesting. I do not advocate using some shady, wanna be, fly by night, questionable pharmacy on the Internet. It could lead to counterfeit drugs and toxic substances. I stick with my local pharmacy that is regulated by the US government and I have legal recourse against them if anything goes wrong. I have no legal recourse against a foreign government or a foreign "pharmacy" that may or may not be an actual pharmacy. It might be an illegal operation to counterfeit drugs out of reflective street paint and binder. No one would willing swallow the reflective street paint we use to paint the lines in the streets. No one would do that. To put street line paint in a counterfeit pill is unconscionable. This is why I stick with my local pharmacy I know and trust.

Home delivery is fantastic if you are sick with a physical illness like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) like me and can not leave the house to pick up your meds from the pharmacy. Home delivery is fantastic if you are in the midst of such a bad depressive episode you can not get out of bed let alone drive to a store. It is not possible for you to function at a high enough level to get out of bed, get of the house and drive the store so home delivery is the way to go to get a med refill. If your work schedule is really heavy and you can not make it to the pharmacy before they close because of your work shifts or long work days home delivery or delivery to your work office is the way to solve that problem.

When I need to refill a med and my prescription is changed slightly I call the pharmacy. I tell them the prescription name and number. I tell them it is changed in dosage, number of pills per day or however it is changed. I tell them I have a new prescription at home with me. They take my word for it and deliver to me the changed prescription per what I told them. The delivery driver gives me the news meds and picks up from me the new prescription at the same time in order to return the new prescription to the pharmacy for their records, but I get my meds before they have the actual prescription. I don't have to mail in the prescription or fax it over. My phone call is enough. I don't have to go anywhere to get my meds from that particular pharmacy. It is super convenient. I appreciate the delivery service. It makes my life very comfortable and convenient.

Things That Make My Life Easier

2012-01-24T22:54:00.000-08:00

MedCenter Medication System with Reminder Alarm Clock

I bought a monthly medication dispenser and alarm clock that I set to ring when it is time to take my medications. It has has four alarms on the alarm clock. The alarm clock can be set to chimes or talking. I have mine set to talking. It tells me, "Good afternoon. Today is Tuesday January 24th 1:00 PM. It is time for your afternoon medication." I hit the acknowledgment button. Then it says, "Alarm acknowledged. Your next alarm will be at 6:00 PM." The alarm clock sits on the platform on the left side and the current days pills box sits on the right side of the platform on the front of the medication dispenser. The photo above does not show the alarm clock in the photo. I bought it on Amazon.com. You can find it by going to Amazon.com and searching for "MedCenter" and then search for "Medication System" or "Alarm Clock."

There is a red alarm acknowledgement button that I press after the alarm sounds so I can shut it off. There is a yellow button I push to turn on a light to back light the alarm clock so I can see it at night. There is a blue alarm check button. When I press that it verbally tells me the alarm times so I can check them to verify the times for the alarms. There is a green talk current time button. When I press that button the alarm clock tells me the current date, day of the week, month and time. The display on the clock has a very large date, day of the week, time of day and it shows if any of the four possible alarms are being used. There are battery version of the clock and plug in as well as battery operated versions. The battery version is ready for travel.

MedCenter sells pouches to hold the daily pill boxes. You can pack a week of pill boxes in a pouch and pack them in your luggage. If any of the pill boxes wear out you can buy new ones to replace the old ones.

MedCenter was developed for the Alzheimer's/Dementia patient population, but I find it helpful to me since Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) makes me so forgetful. It is a system that works well for anyone who has concentration, focus or memory problems. I have ADHD, OCD and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and that makes my memory turn to mush and gives me difficulty keeping concentration and focus. When my CFS acts up I get like a ADHD Chihuahua dog bouncing off the walls chasing a laser beam.

The Medication dispenser has 31 days to hold the 31 days for the month that has 31 days. Each day day has a pill box that has four compartments. The four compartments are marked with the date and then: Morning / Breakfast, Noon / Lunch, Evening / Supper, Night / Bedtime.

One end of the pill compartment is red and one end is green. I load the pill compartment to stand up in the monthly dispenser showing either the green end or the red end. Green means the pill compartment is loaded and ready to be dispensed. Red means the pill compartment has been consumed and is empty. This allows me at a glance to see how many days I have left that are fully loaded and how many days are empty. This is helpful to remind me to call in my medication refills so I do not run out.

In the past I dispensed my medications from the pharmacy bottles and I got confused. I overdosed 12 times at my then boyfriend's house. I overdose many more times at home. I had to buy the medication system to prevent more accidental overdoses. I could not remember if I took my medication or not, so I took it again thinking I had not taken it earlier in the day, but I had taken it. I ended up overdosing. This happened because Chronic Fatigue Syndrome makes my thinking mushy and fogs out my brain. I can't remember shit when I get sick with CFS. I get forgetful and forget whether or not I took my meds. I also sleep a lot when I get sick. I would fall asleep, wake up and think it was the next day and my meds. I would fall asleep again, wake up and repeat. This happened throughout the day and resulted in a overdose.

The medication management system and alarm clock keeps me on track and prevents overdoses. I only take my meds when the alarm goes off and not outside of the alarm. I set the alarm times in the alarm clock and can change the times as I wish.

I put my medications, vitamins, minerals and herbal remedies in the same compartment with my medications. Everything is dosed out of the same compartment for efficiency and ease of use. I load it based on what needs to be taken with food, without food, in the AM, in the PM, etc. I take Zinc and B-Complex at lunch as Zinc is hard on the stomach so it has to be taken with food. But also Zinc and B-Complex make energy rise so I want to take them early in the day and not at night when they will interfere with sleep.

My favorite brand of B-Complex is B-Right by Jarrow Formulas. I buy mine from www.Vitacost.com , My doctor recommended the website to me. Shipping is free over a certain amount. I always hit the amount so it is is not a problem for me. The high Niacin content of the B-Right produces "B-Vitamin Flush" about one hour after taking the B-Vitamin Complex which is the skin turns red, feels hot to touch as the red blood cells rush to the skin skin. This reaction can be prevented by taking one baby aspirin at the same time as the B-Right. The baby aspirin can be generic from any pharmacy or market.

Baby aspirin thins the blood and prevents the B-Vitamin Flush as well as heart attacks. At least one to three months prior to surgery it is advised to discontinue the use of any and all aspirin and aspirin products as aspirin thins the blood, prevents the blood from clotting and can cause you to bleed out on the surgery table. Please consult your surgeon for a cut off date of aspirin use prior to surgery.

I take both Omega-3 Fatty Fish Oil and Omega-3 Flax Seed Oil to lower Cholesterol, keep away Alzheimer's Disease and control Bipolar Disorder Depression. Omega-3 has been proven to control Bipolar Disorder Depression just as well as every single antidepressant on the market. I take one Omega-3 in the morning and one Omega-3 in the evening. For example: I take Omega-3 Fish Oil in the evening. I take Omega-3 Flax Seed Oil in the morning. I take whatever brand is the cheapest. I am not loyal to any brand.

Sam's Club, CostCo and other big warehouse companies have low prices on vitamins and supplements, but their selection is limited. Whole Foods, Trader Joe's and Mother's Market also have good prices on vitamins and supplements. For online I like Vitacost.com for vitamins and HBCProtocols.com for herbal remedies such as St. John's Wort, 5-HTP, GABA and other remedies for depression.

In the past I have used Research-Grade St. John's Wort from HBC Protocols as they were an agency used in a scientific study and they sell Research-Grade rather diluted St. John's Wort to stave off depression. St. John's Wort works on the neurotransmitter Serotonin in the brain. If the Serotonin levels are low a person will become clinically depressed and suicidal. Taking over the counter St. John's Wort can battle this problem is this is the chemical problem a patient has. It is cheaper than big pharma drugs and has less side effects, but it does interfere with certain medications. It makes the Birth Control Pill ineffective and another method of birth control should be used while on St. John's Wort as St. John's Wort will wipe out the Birth Control Pill, the Depo Provera shot, the Patch, The Ring and IUD. Any birth control method that relies on hormones is rendered ineffective by the St. John's Wort herbal flower. If you want to prevent an unwanted pregnancy please use a male or female condom.

HBC Protocols.com/products St. Johns Wort
HBC Protocols.com Anxiety 5-HTP-with-B6-Griffonia
HBC Protocols.com St. Johns Wort Nasal Spray

I prefer the Female Condom over the male condom for comfort and ease of use for both the male and female pleasure. Men like it as they no longer have to wear a condom. The burden is off of them. The polyurethane version is very thin, conducts body heat and feels like nothing. Polyurethane is thinner than latex and conducts body heat so you can feel your partner. There are different kinds of female condoms. The picture above is only one brand available. The female condom goes inside the female. The male lubes up his penis and then penetrates the female while she is wearing the female condom. The female condom provides more coverage than the male condom so it is better protection from STDs. To remove you simply twist it in a circle at the opening so it does not spill and pull it out. Wrap it in a tissue and discard it in a trash can. It is super easy. The female condom is more expensive than the male condom, but it does provide better protection against STDs since more skin is covered than with the male condom. The female condom is safer than the male condom. The female condom is comfortable to both the male and the female.

The new version is the Female Condom 2 or FC2 which was reformulated and is made of nitrile. The FC2 was developed in response to consumer demand for an even thinner condom so it would be even more realistic feeling.

Female Condom 2

Studies have been done on sex workers in Africa and the prevention of HIV/AIDS and other STDs. The results of the female condom to provide protection to the sex workers were impressive.The sex workers in Africa wash the condoms and refuse them and still got very good results.

I like HealthVitamins.Biz for Metabolic Maintenance L-Methylfolate 5-MHTF. They have the best prices. This keeps away depression and suicide attempts as I have B Vitamin Anemia. I can not process Folic Acid or Folate from my food or vitamins. I become unstable, depressed and suicidal due to the B Vitamin Deficiency. This has turned my life around and saved me. I used to order from Natural Healthy Concepts but someone told me about Health Vitamins.biz and their prices are even lower.

10 mg of L-Methylfolate four times a day is what I use to keep my mood stable and mellow. It keeps me from becoming unstable, depressed and suicidal. I used to take Deplin Deplin.com, but switched to generic thanks to someone leaving me a comment and telling how to find the generic version. The Deplin website explains very well the ins and outs of L-Methylfolate, why it is needed, how it works, what it does, etc. Metabolic Maintenance makes 5-MTHF L-Methylfolate. I was buying from Natural Healthy Concepts.com as they have the low prices. They fill the orders quickly. They ship quickly. The bottle are glass and they are well packed and well protected. I am very happy with Natural Healthy Concepts.com. I order two bottles at once so I don't have to worry about running out so quickly. Ordering two bottles lessens the likelihood that I will screw up and not order the new round in time and run out. I get so absent minded when I am sick with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that I have to double my orders to prevent forgetting to reorder and running out. Also the double order guarantees I will order enough to not have to pay a shipping charge. I hit the threshold to qualify for the free shipping.

Natural Healthy Concepts.com 5-MTHF-10mg

L-Methylfolate has transformed my life. What big pharma meds could not fix L-Methylfolate has fixed for me. It has truly changed everything for me. It is truly a miracle pill. I don't struggle with depression and fight against wanting to kill myself like I did before. Things are easier now on L-Methylfolate. Things are not 100% fixed, but they are easier and just easier to handle. I am mellower, calmer and don't get as worked up or as upset about things like I did before. My feelings are not as easily hurt. Now my attitude is, "Fuck you all" toward my abusive, fucked up, mean, nasty family. Before I used to struggle with trying to get them to like me and be nice to me. Now I just give up and feel like, lick my left tit. I don't care anymore. I feel happier since I am no longer stressing over trying to make peace in the house and within the family. I have just given up and let it all go. I realize now it is beyond my control. I can not control another person no matter how hard I try. I can't make them be a nice person, a decent person or behave. I can't make them develop morals, scruples and ethics. I can't do that. L-Methylfolate helped me to realize that.

Not only did it help me to lift my mood out of depression and suicidal ideation, but it also helped me to come to terms with the reality of how my family is, who they are and that I have to stop flailing away hoping for more. More is not going to come. Hoping for more only serves to drive me down into a depression. By accepting reality and letting go of my fantasy for a better world I feel calmer, happier and at peace.

Sure, I have to eat a shit sandwich, but at least now I accept that a shit sandwich is never going to turn into Filet Mignon. I have to just turn away from the shit sandwich or eat the shit sandwich and be happy with it, but nothing else is on the menu and I must accept that. I get it now.

All this time I have been hoping my family would pull it together, pull their collective heads out of their asses, transform into nicer, healthier people, but that is not going happen. I have to accept that my family members are abusive, rude as hell, obnoxious, violent, crude, classless, tasteless, uncouth, embarrassing, sarcastic, caustic, abrasive, unappreciative and ungrateful (on the day my grandma died my brother criticized her as we left her deathbed 10 minutes after her death. he made me cry and our other brother cry with what he was saying. our grandma was the nicest, sweetest woman who spoiled us rotten and he had nothing, but mean and nasty comments to say about her. if he talks that way about his beloved grandma...what does he say about me? he doesn't even like me. I can only imagine what he has to say about me behind my back as he has plenty of venom for me to my face.) My family members are drug addicts, alcoholics, enablers, codependent, they help the addicts to continue with their addiction. We have food addicts, gambling addicts and all kinds of addicts. We are a family of addicts, abusers, violent offenders and my family members all have long rap sheets from lots of jail time. I am the only one who has not been to jail.

BuSpar (name brand) Buspirone (generic name) is a nonaddictive Benzodiazopine. It is an old drug. I have been on and off it since 1990. It helps me with Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) (AKA: Social Phobia). It is a very short acting drug so I must take it four times a day to have it last to help me. Because it is old and generic it is very, very cheap. BuSpar has the same impact on me as L-Methylfolate. I feel very relaxed and at ease when I talk BuSpar. My tension and anxiety dissipates when I am on BuSpar.

My psychiatrist explained to me that Anxiety and Depression go hand in hand. When Depression is treated and alleviated the Anxiety lifts. When Anxiety is treated the Depression lifts. They go together. If one is treat the other also gets better. I doubted my doctor when he told me, but it has held to be true.

My doctor had indicated to me he couldn't do much more for me for the Bipolar, so I asked for treatment for my Anxiety Disorder. I specially asked for BuSpar as I had taken it in the past. I knew it worked for me. I knew it was nonaddictive and I have a problem with becoming addicted to Benzos.My doctor fought to give me an addictive Benzo (asshole), but I said no. I am no going to rehab for a prescription drug. No way. Give me a non-habit forming drug. I want BuSpar. He pushed me for Valium, Xanax or Ativan. I have been addicted to those. I am a drug addict. I have explained to him numerous times I can not take those as I am a drug addict and he doesn't listen. In one ear and out the other. I had to stand my ground and say, "I said NO! NO is NO! I want BuSpar!" He really made me mad!

Amino Acids Complex makes me feel stronger physically and stable mentally. Amino Acids are the building blocks for building cells and for cellular repair. Every cell in our body needs Amino Acids. Various manufacturers make an Amino Acid Complex Blend. They are sold through vitamin retailers, natural food stores and pharmacies. I feel physically strong and healthy when I take this. I feel like I get mental clarity, mental stability and harmony when I take this. I feel different when I am off of it. Amino Acids are in every food we eat, but if we have a problem with our stomach and can't process them we will have a deficiency. I think this is my problem. I can't process B Vitamins, Iron, Potassium, Amino Acids and various things. My stomach and digestive system seems to be broken. I can't get my vitamins and nutrients out of my food and as result it makes me go bonkers because I got into a heavy deficit and my brains goes nutso.

I eat a very healthy diet. At one job they called me "the twigs and nuts girl" because I eat so healthy with all my health food, but it is all for naught when my body can not process it properly.

GABA is a type of Amino Acid. It makes me feel much less depressed, relaxed, mellowed out and smooths out my rough edges. It lifts my spirits up out of depression and anxiety. It makes me feel like it is a combination of antidepressant and antianxiety medication. It is over the counter and found where vitamins are sold. I really like GABA. My current doctor recommended I try it. I buy whatever brand is cheapest. I am not loyal to any brand. I do not feel a difference moving from brand to brand.

I added this to my regimen and this was the final tweak I needed to lift me up out of depression. It is not enough on its own. I need it with L-Methlyfolate and T3.

Melatonin is a naturally secreted hormone that causes us to go to sleep. In pill form it is used to bring about sleep at the end of the day. I use Melatonin to help put me down to sleep so I can take less of my Benzo. Sleep comes pretty fast after taking Melatonin. I take it after I get ready for bed. I have brushed my teeth, gotten into bed and then I take it. It only takes about 20 minutes to kick in and then I can't keep my eyes open. It is an effective sleep aid. I buy whatever is the cheapest bottle. There is no difference.

Melatonin is the most popular over the counter sleep aid on the market and it is the cheapest. You can't find anything cheaper than Melatonin.

I have tried every sleeping pill on the market and none work for me. My Hypomania is able to fight right through the sleeping pills. In the words of a psychiatrist, "You took enough medication to put down a horse. You should have gone to sleep! I don't understand it. It should work." He said this in response to me accusing him of giving me placebos since they did not work. I get a better result and less side effects from Melatonin than I do from prescription sleeping pills. Melatonin is cheap, plentiful, readily available pretty much anywhere, available over the counter, doesn't require a doctor visit or prescription and doesn't have the next day hangover that prescription meds have. Melatonin clears your system pretty quickly and doesn't affect you the following day.

Sleeping pills can produce amnesia the next day most notably "travelers amnesia" which is why you are not supposed to take sleeping pills on long distance flights. You could find yourself clearing customs in a foreign country, checking into a hotel, lying down for a nap, waking up and having no memory of anything beyond last being on the flight and taking the pill. There are advisory warning with sleeping pills against taking them while traveling due to the amnesia problem.

Sleeping pills do not work for me. I have tried every brand, every pill and none does the job. Plus they give me a hangover the following day so I can't function very well the following day. Benzos also give me a hangover the following day for 18-24 hours after the dose. Benzos contributed to me crashing two cars. This is why I favor Melatonin. Melatonin doesn't give me any hangover problems the next day.

Those are some of the things that make my life easier and more comfortable. Maybe there is something in my list that will be helpful to you as well? I hope by sharing my list someone will find something that is helpful to them.

Bipolar Girls and Hypersexuality

2012-01-24T14:31:00.000-08:00

I have encountered a fair number of men who have said to me, "Bipolar girls are HOT! Bipolar girls are good at sex. Bipolar girls like to have more sex than other girls. Bipolar girls are more sexual and sexy than other girls. Bipolar girls are more interesting and fun than other girls." There is some truth to all of these statements. I will break it down for you.

Bipolar girls are HOT!
Yes, we tend to be rather attractive. I have to meet an ugly woman who has Bipolar. Hasn't happened yet. I have no idea who the woman are so attractive. All I can say is that I agree with the men. We are smoking hot. I have no explanation for why this shakes out to be the way it is. All I can say is I have noticed it too.

Bipolar girls are good at sex.
I can not speak for others. I can only speak for myself. As a person who has gone through life high on Euphoric Hypomania I felt like I was flying on some sort of drug when I was not even high. I hadn't taken any drugs legal or illegal. It is difficult to explain just how fantastic Euphoria feels, but it feels like you are in a "flying dream" only you are awake. You get overly optimistic. You think everything will work out no matter how stupid the idea is. This means getting yourself into situations that you would not normally get yourself into because you confident you can extract yourself should anything turn into a train wreck. This is how you end up doing sexual things society does not condone or well tolerate. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but once you pull out of Euphoric Hypomania you look back in horror on what you did and realize...holy shit. I have buyers remorse and feel like an alcoholic that swears they will go to rehab "this time" when I wake up in the morning with a sex hang over.

As a person with Hypersexuality as a result of having Bipolar this leads to certain kinds of thinking and behavior. Sex has historically been my hobby because I have Hypersexuality. As any person who has a hobby I want to be good at it and I practice a lot. I obsess about sex. It occupies my waking and sleeping thoughts. I have erotic dreams that put porn to shame. There is no porn film that is better than my erotic dreams. None.

I have been accused of having a "sex addiction", but I do not have a sex addiction. Hypersexuality is not the same thing as a sex addiction. I am not in the same category and going to a 12-step Sex Addicts Anonymous Support Group Meeting will not be all that helpful to me.

Whenever I bring up the word "Hypersexuality" to any doctor they look at me cross eyed and don't say a word. They never want to touch anything that has the word "sex" in it. If I am struggling with running around humping anything that crosses my path and ask a doctor for help they change the subject and give me no help or they up my Lithium. "Here, take more Lithium."

Slowly but surely my Hypersexuality came down, down, down to the basement level which I guess is where everyone else lives. It sucks! I hate it! If this is "normal" no wonder people are so cranky all the time! This is terrible! I was much happier in a constant state of arousal than I am in a normal state of sexuality. I was happier having sex as much as is humanly possible. I would have sex until I rubbed myself and the man raw. We would rub our skin right off and still keep humping until the pain got to great. I found a a creme that would heal us right up and we would go back to humping in no time at all. One ex called it the miracle creme. It was just expensive Elizabeth Arden Ceramide Advanced/Extreme Time Complex Capsules. It worked really well on my man's penis to heal him up very quickly when the skin was removed from excessive sex. I don't think the cosmetic giant Elizabeth Arden had that use in mind for a face creme, but necessity is the mother of all invention. I found a new use for it.

Recently I talked two of my exes. They both went on and on about how "You know more than other women about sex. You are really good at sex. Where did you learn to do that thing that you with your wrist?" etc. It got me to wondering. Are most people not that into sex so they are lazy lovers and not very good at sex? Does having Hypersexuality and an abnormally high sex drive make you so interested in sex that causes you to expend more time and effort on sex than the average person? I have piles of books on how to become a better lover, sex techniques, vanilla books (plain, regular sex instead of kink), BDSM books, seduction techniques, romance techniques and toys. I have tons of toys. I have vanilla toys, BDSM toys that would make you blush, sex games, lingerie, BDSM Domme clothing, erotic scented lotions for massage, flavored body lotions to be sucked and licked off (fruit flavors and chocolate flavors), glow in the dark massage lotions, lubes of all kinds/flavors/for front and back, vinyl gloves (for all sorts of fun and nasty things), leather handcuffs, leather anklecuffs, dildos, nipple clamps, ball clamps, riding crops and more.

I have my favorite sexpert websites that I visit to read for additional technique information. I am always on the hunt for more information. I am a voracious consumer of anything related to sex. My whole nightstand is is filled up with sex toys. This spills over to boxes under the bed and in the closet. I understand some people have one single drawer devoted to sex. If I had my way I would have a SEX ROOM devoted to sex. The furniture in the room would be things like a sex swing, Symbian, machine sex toys, spanking bench, massage table with O-rings for tie down points. It would have its own thermostat so it would not be too cold. The flooring would be tile for easy clean up.

I didn't think my Hypersexuality was noticeable, but I was just lying to myself. I have had multiple exes tell me, "There is something wrong with you. You are not normal. You need to see a doctor." They were referring to my sexual appetite. Now my most recent exes told me, "Yeah, it is noticeable. You are different, but I am not complaining. I like it! I wish more girls were like you." I am not sure what to make of this. Some complain. Some appreciate it.

I recently had dinner with an ex who knew me before I started treatment on Lithium and I was with him when the Lithium was started. He said, "When you started Lithium you didn't want to have sex anymore. Your interest before Lithium was that you couldn't get enough sex. You started Lithium and you lost all interest in sex. It was like two different people. That tells me it was the Bipolar and Lithium changing you after all." (he hadn't believed me at the time. now he does. 5 years later.) Currently, I am on one fourth the dose of Lithium that I was on back then. The high dose of Lithium completely medicated away my Libido completely. I had ZERO interest in sex or sexuality which was odd for me and completely out of character.

My low dose of Lithium allows for flashes of the old me, but mostly the old me is gone. My toys have grown dusty from lack of use. I am not driven by my sex driven like I used to be. If I go off of Lithium for a short period of time my old Hypersexuality returns. It is Lithium that keeps my Hypersexuality in check.

For three years I grieved the loss of my Hypersexuality. It had been my constant companion since I was three years old. To have it suddenly snatched from me by Lithium was shocking, appalling and sent me into grieving. The only time I have ever known life without Hypersexuality is under the age of three and while on Lithium for the past five years. It sucks to be without it. I want my Hypersexuality back! I enjoy it very much. It makes life pleasurable and worth living. I do not think that taking medication should necessitate giving up a very active and healthy sex life. I wasn't harming anyone. I was bringing pleasure to myself and my partner.

Lithium has killed my Thyroid Gland. Now I have to take T3 daily to stay alive.

Lithium has stolen my sexuality and dropped me down into the basement where I guess other people live. But since I can't be on Lithium forever as it will kill my Kidneys and Liver next I will be eventually taken off of Lithium and my Hypersexuality will return at that time. I look forward to that day. I miss my Hypersexuality. I want it back.

I do not regard having Hypersexuality as a bad thing. I have gotten into a couple of bad scrapes when things got out of control, but usually I can keep things under control and keep myself out of danger. I regard Hypersexuality as a PERK rather than a curse of having Bipolar II Disorder. I like my Hypersexuality. I appreciate it. I don't want to lose it.

Some Bipolar Disorder patients who have Hypersexuality have impulse control problems and get into situations where they get involved with an inappropriate person who uses them sexually or they have difficulty with temptation and being faithful and monogamous. I can understand why that would happen. Hypersexuality feels like a drug habit that must fed. It feels very similar to being a junkie. Sex becomes like an addiction.

If Hypersexuality is managed it can be pleasurable, positive, add meaning to the life of a Bipolar patient and I regard that as a positive.

If the wrong user gets a hold of us things can go very badly for us. This is why I am very low profile and do NOT go around telling people I have Bipolar or Hypersexuality. It brings the cockroaches out of the woodwork. Saying, "I have Hypersexuality" to a strange man is a recipe for disaster. I can count on one hand the number of people who know this about me and most of them are either doctors or exes whom I trust completely. This is information I keep as a tightly guarded secret. It doesn't serve me well to let everyone in on the secret. Then I turn into bait for piranhas. Out of self preservation I keep the secret.

There are some men who can tell I am different. They can look at me and detect me from my body language. I read as very sexual from the way I move, stand, walk, talk and conduct myself. My Hypersexuality bleeds through. I try to hide it, but I can't. I have been told I walk like a predatory cat about to pounce on a mouse. I have been told I walk in a very slinky, sexual fashion. I have been told when I look at people I size them up as a prospective sexual partner and they can see me doing this. I have been told I talk about sex and fixate on sex far too much. It comes through in my speech pattern and vocabulary. I have been told I "read as highly sexual" and this can not be hidden. Co-workers have told me this. Exes have told me this. Friends have told me this. They have all tried to get me to "calm down, behave and act normal" but so far I have not succeeded. I can tell when a strange man notices me as he will turn around, crane his neck to get a look at me, begin to follow me and act in a very predatory manner.

Men do double takes when they look at me. I know they have figured out I am not like other women. They are curious about the extent to what makes me different and how deep does the well go? Just going to the market to buy bread can be difficult. I can completely cover up and show no skin, wear a baseball hat, sunglasses and still men will do a double take as I walk past them. They pick up on my Hypersexuality. They are not stupid. A former lover told me, "The girls that try to hide are the ones we want as they are the hot girls. The ones with all the makeup are hiding their flaws and we don't want them." That was how he explained my problems of being hit on when I wore loose sweats, sneakers, my hair in a ponytail, a baseball hat, sunglasses, no makeup, covered my figure and looked very plain, but yet men hit on me. This is the drawback of having Hypersexuality. I have to put up with the sleazy guys hitting on me and I want nothing to do with them.

Unfortunately, there is a portion of the population out there that has it in their head that they can find and take advantage of the Hypersexuality population. When these men come across a female like me they pounce in the hopes they can get me (or him/her) into bed with them. These men have very low scruples and are to be avoided.

Everyone who has Hypersexuality has to be a little on guard to protect themselves from predatory people and predatory behavior from non-predators. You can't be as trusting when you have Hypersexuality as there are people who want to use you and abuse you. You have to have your guard up and be a little wary.

That being said...if you are careful you can enjoy your Hypersexuality if you select an appropriate, trustworthy partner who can keep up with your appetite. I favor physically fit, totally ripped, buff, hot, younger men as long term lovers and boyfriends. An older man or a man my age can not keep up with me so I go younger and it works out well for me. 1996 is the last time I dated an older man. Since then they have all been younger and for the last dozen years significantly younger. Their libido is higher when they are younger so they complain less than a man my own age. That is how I solved the problem of the man bitching all the time about he didn't want to have sex as much as me. I just went younger. Younger men think I rock when I pull their clothes off. Older men bitch and say, "Not now! The game is on."

There is marked difference between men in their 20s or 30s and men in their 40s or 50s. Men in their 40s and 50s tend to get stuck in a rut and think sex is only for the morning or before bed. They have no idea that nooners exist anymore or that 3:00 PM sex is a possibility. Things get cemented in their head in a routine and it is hard to get them out of that staid routine. This is why older females favor dating younger men. Younger men are not set in stone and not in a routine. Younger men have a fresher outlook on life and are open to trying new things. They are usually more open minded and this is why I favor younger men. They will try things sexually that an older man is unwilling to try.

I had a date tell me, "You are too old to take SCUBA diving lessons." when I told him I was in SCUBA class at age 38. Excuse me all the way to hell and back. I had no I idea my life ended at 30! He was 38 and he felt his life was over and therefore, so must mine be over, too. I never saw him again. This is the type of thing I am talking about. Life does not end at 30. If it did how would the world go on? How would anything get done? I can start a new hobby, start a new routine, start a new life, start a new career, start a new interest, start a new relationship, start a new education goal at any point in my life. I am not limited by my age. If people can get a BA, MBA, PhD at 91 or 98 years old why can't I? I am not limited. If people can marry or divorce until they die I am not limited either. My grandma married her last husband at age 64. My great-great grandma married her second husband at 48 and her third and last husband at age 81.

I am not limited. I refuse to accept that. Just because I have Bipolar II Disorder and Hypersexuality does not mean I am limited in what I can do or accomplish.

If a man thinks his time is over, he is in a rut, he is staid and he is no fun sexually. He is a dud. That is a firecracker that will not go off no matter how many times you light him.

I'd rather be me. I'd rather be sexually curious, seeking out new information on sex and sexuality, enjoying sex and having a big sexual appetite than joining the ranks of the staid, stale, in a rut, sexually unhappy, sexually unfulfilled people and living a routine.

Physical Assault and Verbal Attacks by Born Again Christian Parents on Mentally Ill Daughter with Bipolar Disorder

2012-01-24T10:43:00.000-08:00

Things have been tense with my parents. I became angry because my mom kept getting in my face and shouting, "You are OLD and FAT!" over and over again. I held my tongue as long as I could. Eventually, I snapped. There is only so much taunting, attacking, ridiculing, mocking, insulting that I can take and then I am done. I reached my limit of how much I could take.

I was also angry because calling me "FAT" when I weight 115 pounds triggered another bout with Anorexia. This made me very angry. I had worked very hard to recover from the damage my family has done to me over the decades and now you get in face and repeatedly attack me and call me FAT when I not? Oh, fuck you. My one brother called me, "FAT, STUPID and UGLY!" every day, day in and day out for months on end when I was under weight. A neighbor became so concerned she told my mom, "You daughter is Anorexic and needs to go to a lock down ward for eating disorders to be treated." She was a nurse. She knew what she was looking at. My mom denied there was a problem and said, "She is just naturally thin and doesn't like food." Repeatedly I have been put on medications to give me an appetite and make me eat. Once the medication was stopped the weight came off. My weight has always been a struggle.

I thought it was normal to have your hip bones stick out further than your stomach, all of your ribs and your spine showing as that was how I normally looked. My friends repeatedly explained to me this was not normal. I gained weight when boyfriends and a lover took me to the gym to lift weights and put on muscle mass. I freaked out when I no longer fit into a size zero. I thought a size two or a four was HUGE! That is how skewed my thinking had become. To be honest I thought a size zero was fat and my goal was to get back into little girl's sizes which I did accomplish from time to time.

My mom was only sixteen when she got pregnant with me. She blames me for "ruining her life" so she beat the crap out of me when I was growing up. She told me, "I never wanted you. You ruined my life. Had abortion been legal then I wouldn't had you at all (this from a Born Again Christian who opposes abortion is rather rich.). I considered giving you up for adoption, but your dad agreed to marry me. I could have been the Homecoming Queen (she was a princess). I could have been the Varsity Cheerleader (she was a JV Cheerleader). I could have gone to college (fat chance this would happen. She was super lazy.) I could have gone to backpacking through Europe (She had no desire to travel the world until I drove the bus to send our family to England. Through me she traveled the world. I took her with me.) I could have had a career (Every job she got she walked off the job without giving notice. She just left. She lasts nine months on a job and walks off. She couldn't have a career if she tried.). My mom went into therapy and snowed her therapist into thinking her family was abusing HER and she was so put upon. I lost faith in therapists. The therapist encouraged her to "stand up for herself." She already did too much of that to begin with. The therapist only encouraged her to become an even greater abuser rather than less.

My mom could only cook eggs and toast when she married my dad. She was a terrible cook. I would refuse my meals as the food was sooooo awful. She would wrap up my meals, put them in the fridge, lock the stand alone freezer, lock the fridge, put baby locks on the cupboards and keep me home so I could not eat at a friend's house. Each meal I would get that same awful meal served to me while my family got a new meal. I would refuse to eat it again. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, breakfast, lunch, dinner, day after day. This is when I learned I can control my hunger pains and suppress them. This was when I learned food is about CONTROL and it was a battle ground for control over me between my mom and me. Food was not just food. It was a control over my destiny. I was determined to win. This is when my thinking about food began to twist and turn the corner into Anorexia. Food became emotional to me and emotionally charged. To this day certain foods hold positive emotions and negative emotions. I am willing to eat certain things and others I am not willing to eat.

Along the way I learned my limits. I can go five days without eating and not pass out, but on the sixth day I will pass out. This tends to make boyfriends very angry when they must catch me. If I become mad, sad, unhappy, frustrated, angry, hurt, disappointed, irritated, peeved, aggravated, grieve, timid, afraid or have any sort of negative emotion my default is to stop eating. I come to an all stop. Sometimes I stop taking in fluids as well.

As a reaction to being called FAT and OLD by my mom I stopped eating for three days. Then when I began eating I only ate one half to a whole sandwich per day and nothing more. Or I ate one bowl of soup per day and nothing more. I was eating just enough to stay alive and/or not pass out. I tried to make sure to consume 300 calories per day. This started January 3, 2012 and didn't stop until today January 18, 2012.

My parents freaked out when they saw me refuse meals again and when I yelled at my mom, "I was treated for Anorexia before. Now you made it come back again. I struggle with it and YOU made it come back. Thanks a lot." My mom denies saying at all to me. Her default mechanism is denial. "Deny, Deny, Deny. I didn't do anything. I never saw you. I never spoke to you. I have no idea what you are talking about! How can you blame ME? I am innocent. I am soooo confused as to why you would say THAT!" This is her usual defense. Admit no guilt. Take no blame. Admit to nothing. Do it again and again.

I took to my bedroom and refused to come out. I refused to speak to my parents or associate with them. I was livid and wanted nothing to do with them. I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted the abuse to STOP for once in my life.

Shit comes flying out of my mom's mouth that is mean, cruel, caustic and nasty and I would not say to my worst enemy, but my mom says it to her family members. She promptly forgets it once it flies out of her mouth and denies saying it. This is her usual M.O. and we are all familiar with how she operates. Just because she denies it does not mean it did not take place.

My father is easily manipulated. My mom is the puppet master and my father dances to her tune. She went to him, told him a tall tale of what I was doing and not doing. He charged at me, intimidated me, threatened me, scared me, insulted me and I had to threaten him that I would call the cops and have him arrested as he took a swing at me. My mom jumped in and physically pulled him off of me. This happened more than once.

My father then screamed at the top of his lungs that I am "CRAZY" and "INSANE" and need to be locked up. He went on and on about how he was going to have me locked up on a 5150. He threatened to 5150 me simply because I was mad at my mom for being an irritating bitch to me and giving them the silent treatment. I told my psychiatrist when happened and he said, "Why? He can't lock you up. There is no probable cause. On what grounds would he use? He can't do that. There is no cause." But my dad is under the impression that he is still the powerful, well connect CEO that he once was and that he can make things happen and move mountains and get his kid locked up even when it is illegal to do so. Guess what? You are retired. Your connections are gone. Your politicians are dead and out of office. Lots of luck to you with that one. People do not fear you like they once did. Your former US Presidential connection? Yeah, he is dead. You can't call him for help.

My mom has not apologized for what she did, nor will she ever apologize. She is acting like nothing ever happened. Deny, Deny, Deny, Deny. Who is the sick one in our family. I wouldn't have been assaulted by my father if it wasn't for her meddling. Does she take any responsibility for what she did? Noooooo. There is no such thing as personal responsibility in her world.

My dad issued a lame ass apology that basically said, "It is YOUR fault I lost my temper." His apology was a non-apology and said in a very automatron type of voice. He said it to cut me off from throwing his ass in jail. His tactic is what we call in the family "The Blame Game" where you blame your actions or in-actions on another person and fail to take responsibility for what you did or did not do. The men in my family are very skilled at this game. No one can beat them.

I told my father, "I do not accept your apology. I do not believe you."
His response was, "That is your opinion. You are entitled to your opinion." (said in a snide, snarky manner that takes away from the apology)

My dad apologized for three reasons:
(1) To make himself feel better. Now he can say to himself, "I apologized and that makes it all go away." This makes it as if it never happened. He gets a Mulligan (golf term for do over).
(2) Now he can go to church, face his church pastor, other parishioners and feel good about himself.
(3) He hopes his apology will convince me to not have his ass arrested the next time he hits me or takes a swing at me. He is worried I will have him arrested. He will not do well in jail as an elderly man who is not a trained boxer or trained in martial arts. He is a bully, but he can only bully people in his family or people who work for him. That will not work on gang banger inmates.

In the past I never had my father arrested for a couple of reasons:
(1) I didn't want the Los Angeles Times, Orange County Register, all the local TV News vans to show up and ask for a quote. I didn't want the PR for an internal family argument. Since our family is well known I can't really throw him in jail without everyone finding out. I am coming to grips with this fact that I may need to get over my fear of embarrassment, public humiliation and face the music with the press. After all, I am not the bad guy here. This is what has kept me from acting on the violence in the past.
(2) I didn't want to be outed in the press for my mental health conditions over my father's arrest. I might have to just suck it up and come out of the closet. This is a frightening thought, but the billing woman at my psychiatrist's office said to me, "Maybe if you tell your story it will help others?"
(3) I didn't have my father arrested as I felt sure he would only beat me worse once he got out of jail. He would bail out within 24 hours and come back to beat me again only worse the second time to teach me a lesson. Frankly, I am afraid of him. When that man loses it....he really comes unhinged and there is no talking to him. He just loses it. He goes into a Red Zone and no one can snap him out of it. My brothers are like him in that regard.

I previously talked about how my parents being Born Agains has made it harder for me as they pick on me, ridicule me, berate me, etc. They have also been extremely harsh with physical abuse. My mom broke a ping pong paddle in half over my ass as she spanked me so hard it broke length wise over my ass. She beat me with yard sticks until they broke and she brought a new one. My father whipped me with electrical cords he ripped out of the bottom of table lamps. My father whipped me with leather belts, buckle end out.

My two brothers attacked me with bicycle chains, baseball bats, a golf putter and butcher knives with the intention of killing me. My parents were not really bothered. They were negligent parents. Their attitude was, "We gave birth to you. Now raise yourself."

Whenever I become suicidal I think to myself, "No, don't. If you kill yourself they win. Stay alive and you win. Stay alive to pick their nursing home and get revenge!" My sister and I have discussed find the nursing homes that are on the state list for being the worst in the state and have the most violations. We will find the homes that stink of urine, the caregivers tie the people to their bed or a wheelchair and leave them like that all day, the caregivers are abusive and hit the patients. I will tip them to hit my mom and dad.

My mom and dad have Early Onset Alzheimer's and refuse meds. It is only a matter of time before I can T-Con them and take control of them and their estate and force them into a nursing home. Revenge will be sweet. You wanted to lock ME up? Ha, try that when I lock you up. I know more about conservatorship than you do.

I'm medicated now. I have a doctor who will even say I am on an even keel. My siblings have said, "You go ahead and take point. You always handle everything. You handle this as well." My siblings back me and do not oppose me. My parents have no one in their corner and everyone against them. They shouldn't have beat their children and grandchildren. Yes, my mom even choked out her grandchildren. She can't help herself. Her temper is so terrible. She loses all self control, lashes out and slaps, punches, pulls hair out, pulls the scalps off, breaks things over the person's body, kicks, stomps, kidney punches, chokes, etc.

I made a video that touches on what happened. This entry is an expanded version of those events. The video can be seen on another date.

Living With Born Again Christian Parents While Dealing With Bipolar II Disorder Mental Illness

2012-01-23T21:26:00.000-08:00

T3 Thyroid Hormone Treatment for Bipolar Disorder

2012-01-23T21:04:00.000-08:00

NJ Charity Outreach to the Mentally Ill Community

2012-01-20T11:54:00.000-08:00

Collaborative Support Programs of New Jersey
There is a charity in New Jersey, USA that will help you get an apartment, give you a ride to the pharmacy, your doctor, the market, the post office, etc. It is a NGO charity so they are more free to operate than if they were a government agency.

If you live in New Jersey you can contact this agency for help finding housing, help with budgeting and managing finances, help returning to the work force, etc.

From their website:

Our Mission

Collaborative Support Programs of New Jersey, Inc. (CSPNJ) is a private not-for-profit organization. The agency is directed, managed and staffed through the collaborative efforts of mental health consumers, survivors and non-consumers. CSPNJ strives to provide individualized, flexible community based services that promote responsibility, recovery and wellness. This is done through the creation and administration of self-help centers, supportive housing, advocacy, and entrepreneurial programs for adults with mental health issues and other special needs.
CSPNJ shares a vision of healing and hope that is promoted by choice, freedom, and inclusion and de-stigmatization. Our greatest resource is the life experiences of persons working through their own recovery.

Report Offers Hope to People Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder

2012-01-02T05:11:00.000-08:00

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/07/110711131151.htm

ScienceDaily (July 11, 2011) — Mood swings are not always best understood as an illness called 'bipolar disorder', and medication is not the only way to cope with them, says a British Psychological Society report. The report, Understanding Bipolar Disorder, which the Society has made available as a free download throughout the month of July, gives new hope to people diagnosed with bipolar disorder (about 1 to 2 percent of the population).

This in-depth review of recent research was authored by Professor Steven Jones of Lancaster University and a team of leading clinical psychologists, working in partnership with service users. It suggests that a tendency to extreme moods can have significant benefits as well as sometimes leading to problems.
Many people who have been reported as having the diagnosis are also extremely creative and successful individuals. Examples include government press advisor Alistair Campbell, actress Carrie Fisher, actor Stephen Fry, comedian Paul Merton, and television presenters Gail Porter and Bill Oddie.
The report also suggests that these mood swings are more extreme forms of the variations we all experience and can result from life events rather than just brain chemistry. It is not always helpful to think of this as an 'illness', and doctors and other health workers may sometimes give unhelpfully negative messages about what the diagnosis means, for example encouraging people to lower their expectations of what they can achieve in life.

The report also suggests that although medication can be helpful for some people, it does not help everyone. Some people prefer instead to think of themselves simply as someone who tends to experience more extreme lows and highs than others, and to manage this by adapting their lifestyle or using psychological therapy.

The report argues that clinical services need to recognise the expertise of service users and work with them towards their own individual goals. One of the authors, Joanne Hemmingfield, said: "As a service user myself I believe that this report provides a message of hope for people with bipolar disorder which is in stark contrast to the messages most people have received in the past."

Clare Dolman, Chair of MDF the Bipolar Organisation, said: "As the national bipolar charity, we welcome this report by some of the UK's most distinguished psychologists, led by Professor Steve Jones of the Spectrum Centre. It is very encouraging that 'Understanding Bipolar Disorder' highlights the potential positive aspects of living with the condition as well as the negative, and paints a more hopeful picture of the path to recovery by combining psychological approaches with medication where necessary.

"The report offers a clear and accessible account of the psychological perspective and we would recommend anyone interested in gaining a more comprehensive understanding of the condition to read it."
Understanding Bipolar Disorder can be downloaded from the BPS Shop: http://www.bpsshop.org.uk/Understanding-Bipolar-Disorder-P1280.aspx. To download it you must register with the site first, but the download is free after you have done so.

British Psychological Society (BPS) (2011, July 11). Report offers hope to people diagnosed with bipolar disorder. ScienceDaily. Retrieved

Strattera for ADHD, Doctor Bitch Session and Weight

2012-01-01T03:16:00.000-08:00

I talked to my doctor about how my ADHD was giving me so much trouble. I was not making much headway with Bipolar so I thought why not get some relief from OCD, ADHD or my Anxiety Disorders? He was reluctant to treat me. I have been pressing him the last couple of appointments. My goal has been I want to get well enough so I can work. This last appointment he told me, "You will never recover." I am upset that he said that. I think it was rather harsh on his part as he took away all of my hope. I had explained to him I want to work and that was his reply.

I have worked since I was 12 years old with the exception of recently when I became too ill to work. I have worked continuously. I even worked when I lived abroad. It feels strange to be unemployed. I do not like it one bit. I want to work. I need to be well in order to work. I feel useless on disability. I want to have a career again. Even if I have less responsibility and take a demotion that is fine. I just want to work. I long for a sense of normalcy like I used to have. A job is part of normalcy. A job is part of my identity. I don't like my identity when I am unemployed and on disability.

"What do you do?"
"I am disabled." I sound like a wimpy, wussy, dweeb who has no fucking life.

Then the next question is, "Oh, what is wrong with you?" This is a question I do not want to answer. No matter how this conversation shakes out it never goes well for me. I always end up uncomfortable and feeling embarrassed. I do not want to admit to anyone, "I am mentally ill. I am on disability due to Bipolar Disorder." Then they look at me like I want to eat them (Silence of the Lambs) and they back away slowly.

Maybe I will go back to my smart ass answer I used to give to unwelcome, intrusive, nosy people I felt were stepping on my toes, "I stuff olives with pimentos. It is very fulfilling." Typically, they stare at me and then walk away with no comment. What can they say to an "olive stuffer"? This response is guaranteed to shut people down. It works every time when someone is overly curious and in my business.

I am reluctant to make "normal" new friends as I don't know what to say to them and how to hide my numerous mental illnesses, learning disabilities and physical illnesses as it tends to put people off and make them go away. I would like to make new friends, but I feel people will not accept me until I conform to be like the rest of society. I need my meds stable, an apartment again, another car, a new career and I need to appear to the outside world as if I have it all together like I did before. In the past coworkers told me, "You are so together. I am envious of you." I had to tell one woman, "Do not envy me. I am being hunted to be murdered by my husband whom I am divorcing. He already found me once. If he finds me he will kill me. If one day I do not show up for work you can know I am dead. Do not envy me. I look over my shoulder every day waiting for him to come get me. I go to bed at night thankful I lived through the day." I told her the whole story. I explained to her it is very dangerous to envy another person. You have no idea what they go through. When I finished telling her the whole story she sat there in stunned silence and could not believe I was being hunted my by husband and his cop friend. I really was on the run and living and working under alias that I changed often. She thanked me for telling her the truth and said, "You are right. I had no idea. You are so competent as a manger. You are confident the way you handle the studio clients. You do not seem like you have a concern in the world. I had no idea you had a constant worry." I am a very good actor. I went to work every day scared out of my mind I would be shot when I walked out of work and no one knew the silent terror I lived with. If I can do that why can I not go to work with Bipolar, ADHD, OCD and two anxiety disorders and be on meds? Why? I don't understand why my doctor says I can never work. I worked under difficult circumstances and stress before. I think I can do it again.

If I can work with the constant and fear of death threats and being hunted by my then husband and then he became my ex-husband why can I not work with Bipolar? The stress I had before was much worse than what I have now. What is the fucking big deal? Just straighten out my fucking meds and send me on my way. I have more confidence in my abilities than my doctor does. I know what I have done in the past. I have achieved things people told me were impossible, but I did it. No one helped me. No one gave me a hand out. No one helped me out. No one referred me. I got the job on my own. My father blocked me from doing the career I wanted because he is a gigantic asshole. He never helped me do anything else. My father was a well known, influential and powerful man. He was in the media. He knew politicians from local to state to a former President. He could have gotten his kids cushy federal jobs, really good corporate jobs and placed us with any number of of good cronies, but he refused. I did everything on my own. I wanted to do one kind of job and he called every company and told them, "As a favor to me...do not hire my daughter." He blocked me. He black balled me because he felt my chosen profession was too dangerous even though a good portion of his friends did it and so did he at one point in time. What an asshole.

I worked in industries are the difficult to penetrate unless your uncle works there and refers you or your father owns the company. I have done this more than once. If I can do this time and again why can I not return to work after being medicate for Bipolar? What is the big fucking deal? Why is my doctor so negative? He says I can NEVER work. He says for the rest of my life I can not work. I would like to think he is a liar, but I am not sure. What if he is right? If he is right I do not see the point in living. Seriously, I don't see any point for me. That is how I feel about my life. I need to fucking work. I want to work. If you take that away from me i do not want to live. Period. I do not want to sit around on my ass doing nothing and collecting disability. That is not how I envision my life working out. I need to feel useful. I need to contribute.

I was hoping treating the ADHD would get me closer to my goal of returning to work. I explained that to my doctor and that is when he said, "You will never recover." He was trying to make me become more realistic I guess, but it was a cold bucket of water in my face and not very nice. After I died I was also told, "You will never walk without a cane the rest of your life." I said, "No way. You will see. I will prove you wrong." I refused to accept what I was told. I dove into physical therapy to help me with my walking. Within six weeks I was walking without a cane and to this day, six years later, I am still without a cane. Doctors are not always right. They make an educated guess, but that is all it is. It is nothing, but a guess. It doesn't mean he is right.

I am fast coming to the conclusion my doctor is good with medication, but his people skills are lacking. He does not know how to finesse a conversation. He says things to me that are inappropriate and unprofessional. I appreciate his diagnostic skills and skill with a prescription pad, but I do not appreciate how he speaks to me. I have noticed it is rare to find a psychiatrist who has good people skills. They tend to be socially awkward. I think the people in medical school who are more socially awkward gravitate toward psychiatry for some reason. I have no idea why. I just notice the trend. I have been to approximately twenty psychiatrists and not one single one of them had decent people skills and good bedside manner. Not one. I haven't met a psychiatrist yet who knows how to talk to a patient in an appropriate, professional yet warm manner. Maybe they are out there and I haven't gone to them? I haven't met them. My current doctor isn't as bad as the worst ones so I can't complain too loudly. If I change doctors I could end up with a worse one than him. He was rated in the top five for my county (Orange County, CA. South of Los Angeles). I have been already to a number of other doctors in the middle of the pack and they sucked hard. I would hate to see the bottom of the barrel doctors.

Before Christmas my doctor gave me samples of ADHD medication Strattera as I had already tried Adderall and it was too stimulating for me and I did not feel a difference. Adderall made me feel tightly wound and I did not get focus or concentration from it. I didn't find it helpful. Strattera is hard on the stomach. I have a sensitive stomach and had my first ulcer at age five. I get a couple of ulcers every decade, but I get more when I take psychotropic medications that rip my stomach apart. Strattera gives me diarrhea the following day when I take it, but it does give me clarity. Stattera brings everything into sharp focus. I can understand things. I can concentrate with my old laser beam focus that is lost to me now. I like how much it helps me. I just wish it was not so expensive and so hard on my stomach. I developed what is called "Hyper Focus" as a coping mechanism to help me work around my ADHD. It tends to piss off bosses and coworkers as you can not break my focus and concentration. I am like a pitbull focuses on a stick you are about to throw and you can not get me to break my concentration. I hear nothing. I see nothing, but what I am working on. I didn't know there was a term for it until a doctor told me. I didn't know it was abnormal until a doctor told me. I thought everything was cool except for when people become frustrated with me and lost their temper with me. I wasn't sure why they lost their temper with me, but I knew it happened when I concentrated hard. They would yell at me, "Earth to X. Earth to X. Come in." and more stuff like that. They made fun of how zoomed in on my task I was. I didn't really understand why it was such a sore spot until my doctor explained to me what I was doing was abnormal and a coping strategy. Ohhhhhh, now I get it. Now I understand why people get frustrated with me and find me irritating. I'm sorry! I don't do it on purpose.

I was thinking since my Bipolar is really giving me trouble in the midst of my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that I would take the time to try to get OCD, ADHD and/or Anxiety under control. It isn't really working out to get Bipolar under control when my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome flares up. For some reason my Chronic Fatigue sends me into a spiral, crash and burn. I am have no idea why it affects me this way, but it does. I have suicidal ideation and I was doing so well. I went up on the T3 to treat my Hypomania and my Hypothyroid at the same time. It was working. I was put on Deplin and went up and up in dose. It was working.

I don't know what it is about Chronic Fatigue that is affecting me mentally and emotionally, but I am a wreck.

I also screwed up my meds due to Chronic Fatigue. I fell behind by three days because I kept sleeping. I slept through my medication alarms. I woke up confused and forgot to take my medication. Because I missed a dose I could not double up to catch up. This happened repeatedly until I got three days behind. I am so exhausted I just keep sleeping and don't even hear the alarm clock. I set two alarm clocks and slept through both. Some days I only took one dose of meds instead of my usual four because I slept all day. Other days I got to take two doses which is better than one, but still not quite four. I missed my L-Methlyfolate (Deplin name brand) and T3. This has contributed to my tailspin.

I am working hard to get back on track with my daily meds, vitamins and supplements. If I did not have the monthly medication management system from MedCenter with the number dated daily compartments I load with pills I would not have even noticed I fell behind by three days. I am thankful I have the monthly system to help me track my medications, vitamins and supplements so I can catch problems quickly. If I did not have the MedCenter system I would not have even noticed I was three days behind and neglected to make an effort to catch up and level off. If I use a pill dispenser that does not have dates on it I do not notice if I fall behind on the dates. If the pill dispenser only has days of the week: Mon, Tue, Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat and Sun, but no days 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, etc. I can get behind and not realize it. I need the date on the pill box since I sleep so much to make sure I didn't miss a whole day by sleeping through my alarms and not even realize it. Below in the link to the MedCenter medication reminder system I bought on Amazon.com. I am very happy with it. It helps me out a lot.

www.amazon.com/MedCenter-Monthly-Medication-System-Reminder/dp/B000RZPL0M/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1326483183&sr=8-2

Chronic Fatigue is really messing me up in multiple ways. If I only had Bipolar II Disorder, OCD, ADHD, Social Anxiety Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Dyslexia, PTSD, Hypothyroid Disease and my recurring Low Potassium issue that makes me a medical miracle because I should have been in the morgue things would be easier to deal with. Throwing in energy zapping, headache inducing, muscle ache inducing, fuzzy headedness so I can not think straight, joint aches, excessive sleeping, losing track of time and days so I mess up my medications and my spirits drop Chronic Fatigue has really fucked me up more than I ever anticipated it would when I was diagnosed in 2007. Just when I think things could not get worse....they do.

It is hard to keep my spirits up when I keep getting them smashed by this extra complication of Chronic Fatigue. Bipolar alone is bad enough, but combined with Chronic Fatigue and it is combustible. In some ways Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is a far greater threat to my physical, emotional and mental health and over all well being than Bipolar ever could be. Chronic Fatigue sets off the Bipolar and makes the Bipolar way, way worse than the Bipolar is by itself. It is like Chronic Fatigue is the pebble at the top of the slope that sets off the avalanche. Once the avalanche is in motion engulfing me in pitch black sadness, melancholy and sorrow...nothing can stop it. I feel helpless, hopeless and violently and suddenly buried alive. No rescue team is coming for me. It feels like that. The best way I can describe the sudden onset of depression is that it is like being buried alive by an avalanche. I think that is something a healthy person can picture as they have seem documentaries and movies of avalanches. They know they are scary and that is my point. Being overrun and overwhelmed by depression is fucking scary. It is not something we do by choice. It is something that happens TO US. My last boyfriend told me, "You do it to yourself." I wanted to reach through the phone and punch him in his ignorant face. He had known me for six years. How could he say that to me after knowing me for six years? He said it because he is an intolerant, judgmental immigrant Asian and I was failing to live up to his idea of the "perfect, white, blond bombshell female" he wanted as I was having problems. Heaven forbid I have problems too. I listened to all of his problems about his skirt chasing, cheating, chimney smoking, gambling addict, alcohol father ripping the family apart and then later dying of cancer. I supported him, but he could not find it in his heart to support me. Go figure. That is how FOB Asians are. Lesson learned: never date another FOB Asian ever again. They are nothing but trouble. For 30 years I have been best friends with FOB women from his country. They warned me to not get involved with him due to the culture as he would be rough on me. I thought he was different as he did come to the US as a child. He was not different. His mom and dad raised him to be more bloody Asian than an Asian from back home. That is what happens to the FOB kids. Their parents teach them to be very, very traditional and to hold white people in contempt even though they might find the white people sexually desirable because mom and dad said, "White people are forbidden fruit." We all forbidden fruit. I was forbidden fruit and too stupid to realize it.

Now that I have been insulted by my ex I am reluctant to date again. My confidence is shattered. Intellectually I know he was mean and out of line, but emotionally...it hurts and I am afraid to let anyone close to me because of it. I do not want to be attacked again. He screamed at me at the top of his lungs. He was snarling at me in a way he has never spoken to me before. I was shocked. It was as if he had saving up all of his frustrations and they came out that day. He spewed out his garbage all over me and I felt dirty when he was done.

I feel lonely for male companionship. Of course I want someone to hug me, hold me, kiss me, squeeze me, caress me, be nice to me, call me by terms of endearment, call me and tell me about his day and all the little things that go with a relationship. I don't know how I can do that. I have no job. I live with my parents. I am on disability. I am physically sick. I am mentally sick. I am thin as hell right now so I have that in my favor. I am sort of battling my weight again in that my mom is picking on me telling me I am fat and old. I have stopped eating very much and lost a great deal of weight. I wear big baggy clothes to my doctor appointments to disguise it from him, but he noticed it in my face and told me I am too thin. I ate one bowl of soup a day for two weeks because my mom gleefully told me, "You are OLD and FAT now! Ha ha ha ha ha!" She repeats this often and gets in my face. She needs to lose at least 75 pounds. She picks on me because it makes her feel better about her big fat belly. Her only exercise is lifting a cookie to her mouth and if I exercise she interferes and belittles me. She sabotages me in order to attempt to get me fat like her. She stares at my body looking for flaws so she can put me down. I brace myself what is to come. It is hard to keep my spirits up when she is constantly at me.

I battle against Anorexia and falling into old habits, but when she rides my ass about being "fat and old" it does make me want to revert back to not eating. I am fighting against it, but every day is a struggle. I push the food down my throat in an attempt to eat and not gag on it. When I get emotional I throw up my food not because of Bulimia, but because there is a mental block. I choke and gag on food when I am depressed and unhappy. I have a a strong phobia about vomiting. I hate throwing up. I feel like I am dying when I throw up because I momentarily can not breathe. It terrifies me. I can not be Bulimic because of my vomiting phobia. I have had difficulty with my weight where people have wanted to hospitalize me for Anorexia.

I have never really liked food very much and there are reasons for that. My mom was only 16 when my parents married in a shotgun wedding due to I was on the way. My mom couldn't even make toast when they married. She was a terrible cook. Many meals were thrown out and we went for burgers and fries because what she made was inedible.

Plus, my mom would wrap up my meal if I refused to eat the crappy food. She would put it in the fridge and give it to me the next meal. I was kept in the house so I could not eat at a friend's house. I was kept out of the kitchen so I could not sneak food. I was deprived of food for 3-4 days at a time. It became a test of wills, a power struggle. I was determined to win. Who would cave first? Her or me? I never caved in as the food was crappy. I refused to eat it. I would sit there, stare at that plate, eat nothing and do this meal after meal. I learned to get used to a growling stomach. I learned that the growling will go away if the stomach is not fed. I learned the hunger signals stop coming if you do not feed the stomach. Your hunger vanishes and it is easy to watch everyone else at the table eat a new meal while you have the same thing for the third day.

As a result of the power struggle over my diet I have fucked up ideas about food. I have emotions attached to food that are not normal for other people. If I get angry, sad, mad, upset, frustrated, agitated, aggravated, infuriated, anxious, nervous, grieve, feel sorrow or have any sort of negative emotion my first response is to STOP EATING. All eating comes to a full stop. The more unhappy I am the less I weigh. I did not realize I did this until a boyfriend of mine pointed it out. I had been hungrily eating dinner when he came over and began to scream at me and pick a fight. I promptly threw away my meal in the trash can as I lost my appetite. He told me, "You do that all the time. You get upset and you stop eating. You throw away your food." I had never noticed, but he was right. As soon as I got angry, upset, fearful, anxious, sad or had any negative emotion my appetite dried up and food was revolting to me. I noticed the taste of food changes. It tastes like ash in my mouth and I don't want to eat it.

Another boyfriend pointed out when I am happy I gain weight and look good. When I am unhappy, depressed and not doing well it is reflected in my clothing size as I drop down to a size 0. He is right. I do it every time. Even at a size 0 my clothes hang on me like I am a hanger. I get extremely thin, unhealthy thin.

I did not realize it until I looked at photos of Anorexic girls, but yeah. That is exactly what I used to look like. All of my bones were sticking out. I thought it was normal to see all the ribs, the spine and the hip bones sticking out much further than the stomach. I thought it was normal. Even though I am still underweight I consider myself to be fat because my hipbones do not stick out further than my stomach. Intellectually, I know this is not a healthy way to think, but....it is how I think. I do not apply it to other people. It only applies to me. I couldn't care less about other people. I am only concerned with how fat I am. I waffle back and forth between, "You are not fat. You are still underweight. Everything is OK. - and - Oh, my God! You are fat as a house! Mom is right. You have really let yourself go. It doesn't matter what the scale says. You are fat, fat, fat. Mom is right. You are fat."

Food became an issue for me again when I was about 12. My morbidly obese brother told me every day, throughout the day, "You are fat, ugly and stupid." He followed me around the house and said this. He was determined to "program" me and it worked. I believed him. This is how abusive he is. He thought it was funny as hell. By the time I was 17 a neighbor who was a nurse told my mom, "She has to go to an eating disorder clinic." She is not well. My mom said, "No. She is fine. She has always been thin." Yes, I had always been thin, but not that thin.

By the time I was 25 I had some serious health problems as a result of my low weight. I had to be put on medication to trigger an appetite as I had none. I had suppressed the hunger signals from the stomach to the brain and no longer felt hunger at all, ever. I learned I could go 5 days without eating and not pass out, but on the 6th day I would pass and that upset people. I learned to fake people out and pretend like I was eating and move food around on my plate, but actually not touch my food at all. I learned all sorts of lies to tell people. "I just ate before coming here. I am full. I couldn't eat another bite. I am meeting someone after I leave here. I am having dinner with them. I am sorry. I can not eat with you." I became skilled at lying about food. I was an artful liar and normally I suck at lying, but when it comes to hiding the fact that I am not eating...I can lie like a rug.

I went into therapy for many, many years. I spent tens of thousands of dollars on therapy. My brother did not pay one dime toward the cost. I got better. I gained weight. I was not a "normal" weight, but I was heavier and looked healthier. My health improved remarkably. My health problems went away.

My weight has been up and down. As I get unhappy it drops really low. Dangerously low. If I am unhappy, sad, mad, angry, frustrated, depressed or experience a negative emotion...I stop eating. I just stop. When the Bipolar goes into remission and I get a break I work out, gain muscle mass, put on weight and look healthy again. It is a constant struggle. No one knows this is a problem for me. I never talk about it. How could I explain it a "normal person"? So I don't explain it. If they press me for an answer I just say, "I have been sick." It is the truth.

With my mom being at me, at me, at me with, "You are OLD and FAT!" It is triggering the old battle and I am not doing so well. I am starting to lose. I am having a hard time and rapidly losing weight. I have lost 15 pounds in three weeks. I have not stepped on scale out of fear, but I can tell from how my clothes fit how much weight is gone. I can tell from how bony I am what has happened. I always know how much I weigh based on how many bones are showing.

My brother's wife is fed up with her husband being so fat. Every time I see him he is even bigger. For breakfast he goes through the drive thru and buys two green burritos and eats 2/3 of his daily calories. Then he wonders why he is fat. I can tell you why! His daughter is a teenager and stick thin just like I was at her age. He keeps commenting on how she is like me. I guess this bothers him as now he is after her just like he was after me. He constantly tells her, "You are fat." She is underweight and supposed to eat peanut butter and ice cream before bed every night to gain weight per her doctor yet he calls her fat until she cries. My brother is nothing but a big bully. He bullied me and now he bullies his daughter. He goes after women because he was unable to fight back against his mother. He is recreating his angry battles with his own mom (our mom) every time he attacks me or his daughter. I can see it. Why can't he?

It is so obvious to me what he is doing and why he is doing it. His anger and resentment at our mother are spilling over at other female figures in his life as he can not easily and safely get at our mother without losing his inheritance. He wants to keep the money tap open that has from our parents and keep his inheritance so he holds his tongue to our mom. He displaces his anger and frustration on me and his daughter instead. Displaced anger is a very simple concept to understand. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to grasp it.

Displaced anger means you direct your anger at a different target than the actual person who is causing you pain and/or to become angry. You do not feel safe to direct your anger at the real person so you pick an alternate target to hold your wrath in place of the real person. Sometimes people know exactly when they do this and they do it on purpose. The shit rolls downhill and if you are the target of displaced anger you are at the bottom of the hill. You get a shit sandwich and shit on your head. Other times the person is not in touch with their own emotions as they are tightly repressed and unaware of what they are doing, how they are acting, how they come across, how they impact others and there is a disconnect there. Some people are complete disconnected from their actions and emotions. If you ask them, "Why are you angry?" They will tell you, "I am not angry." But their gritted teeth, knitted brow, tight facial expression and taunt body language tells you otherwise. They look ready to explode into fists of fury. You know damn good and well they are pissed off. The only person who is unaware they are pissed off is the person doing the raging. A rageaholic always denies they have a problem or that they raised their voice. Like a rageaholic would ever admit, "Yeah, I have a problem. I need therapy." No way. That will never happen.

We have all known people like this. Every person has someone like this in their life. My person happens to be my brother. He is blissfully ignorant of his own actions, his own temper, his own hurtful words, how he harms his children, wife, me and other people around him, how is not a nice man. He prides himself on being honorable, respectful, kind, considerate, well mannered, polite and he is none of those things. He can't see himself accurately. He isn't even aware of how damaging he is being to his daughter. It is tragic. My brother is nothing but a big bully.

In my family people use rage as a form of intimidation. It works well because immediately after the rage comes the fists. Of course it is intimidating. I am used the person will beating me right after they yell at me, so I get scared. This is what contributed to my PTSD. My PTSD contributed to making my Bipolar worse. Trauma makes Bipolar worse. The more trauma you have the worse your Bipolar will be.

Being as that I grew up in the family where they told me, "I am going to kill you." and they meant it. I had to learn how to fight and was a chronic runaway to save my life. I was attacked with baseball bats, golf clubs, butcher knives, bicycle chains and whipped with leather belts and electrical cords. My mom started throwing me out of the house before I started Kindergarten. I was thrown out of the house and locked out. I learned to stash a change of clothing and shoes at various friend's houses so I could have something to wear to go to school. She would throw me out with only the clothes on my back and would even take my school books from me. I was allowed to take nothing, not even a jacket in the winter time. One time my father found me and beat me in the street. None of the neighbors called the police even though everyone knew what was happening because my dad was highly influential, well known and well connected all the way to the White House. No one wanted to take him on including the police. I found that out when I called the cops one time and asked for the phone number for Social Services. I wanted to go into Foster Care. The cop asked for my dad's name and like an idiot I gave the real name. The cop gasped. I knew he knew my dad. My dad was on the news and in the newspapers all the time. Of course he knew. The cop asked for my name. I thought, you know who I am, don't insult me. I told him my name. He gasped again and told me, "No. I can not give you the number. Runaway. By law we can not force you go go back. Runaway." I was not old enough to work, rent an apartment, drive a car or buy a car. I had no money. I had no place to live so running away was not an option. That was when I knew I would not get help because my dad was too powerful. No one would help me. It sunk into my brain that I was stuck. No one had the guts to help me. No one wanted to help me. If a tough talking, gun toting, macho cop turns his back on me what hope is there? I lost all hope and I went home to die. Something inside of me shriveled up and died that day. I gave up hope that an authority figure would give a damn about me, ever.

Then I attempted suicide. Yeah, cop...you were reaaaaaal helpful indeed. What you said to me lead to a very serious suicide attempt. It is by sheer dumb luck I did not die.

I am rather bitter about what that cop said to me. I think it terrible that cops deal with mentally ill people, shoot to kill and don't anything about mental illness. I think cops should be required to get a Bachelor's degree to be hired as a cop. I think it is bullshit that you only need to be a high school graduate. You are dealing every culture, every ethnicity, every mental illness and you have no training in sociology, psychology, abnormal psychology, ethnic studies? What the hell is that? Seriously? Who thought that was a good idea? Society is complex. A high school diploma is not good enough to be a cop. What does a 18 year old child know about dealing with a Schizophrenia male who is homeless, confused, ill and drunk? He doesn't know a damn thing. He has no life experience. I do not think cops should be hired without a diploma and under the age of say 22 to give them some life experience.

I think cops should be made to spend a day in the following locations to develop some fucking empathy: a battered women shelter, a children group home for foster children, a halfway house for the mentally ill who have been released from a state mental hospital, a state mental hospital, working in a soup kitchen and working in a homeless shelter. Let them be exposed to people who are in these circumstances so they can develop some fucking empathy instead of feeling like people deserve to be exactly where they are. This is the attitude of my ex who is a cop with the L.A. County Sheriff Dept. The L.A. County Sheriff Dept mans the nation's largest jail system. They regularly beat the inmates and make up stories about why they beat up the inmates. The review committee for jailhouse complaints is made up of cops. If you file a complaint you can not win as the review committee is all cops and they back the bullshit story of the Deputies. The only time deputies are fired is when the story appears in the L.A. Times newspaper and then the Chief Baca has a shit fit and wants their head on a platter. No story in the paper means they keep their job.

Who gets beat up a lot? The mentally ill because they failed to follow a command, they stepped out of line, they moved when told to stand still and small infractions like that. A good portion of the Deputies are juicing on steroids and subject to Roid Rage. This makes them snap at real or imagined infractions and over react. Hence, inmates get a beat down and go to the hospital with a cracked skull, cracked ribs, broken arm, cuts on their face, broken cheek bone, cut eye, split lip, etc. The mentally ill are usually cut off from their family, not well enough to contact an attorney or social worker so the deputies can do what they like. The mentally ill are terribly abused in the jail system.

In California you are not even supposed to go to jail if you are mentally ill. The cops are supposed to call a mobile team of social workers available 24/7, 365 days a year for a field evaluation. If the person is deemed mentally ill they are to be diverted from jail, never booked in and taken to another facility for the mentally ill. The cops are relieved of their charge. I explained this to my ex. He told me, "No one at L.A. County Sheriff knows that. You better tell it to them." I was appalled. L.A. County Sheriff and LAPD are the two largest police departments in all of L.A. County. One of the two largest department in L.A. County is not adhering to California law! What the hell? It will cost the L.A. County Sheriff Dept less money to process out inmates outside of the jail and hand them over to social workers rather than paying personnel to process in and out the same inmate, house them and pay jailers to guard them. I think they want to keep as many people as possible in the jails because then they get to ask for more funding and hire more people. If they divert people that is shifts that are cut and the police union doesn't want that and neither do the cops. The whole purpose of the L.A. County Sheriff Dept is to house as many people as possible in the jails so they can get as big of budget as possible and hire as many new recruits as possible. When the department grows more cites decide to get rid of their own departments and contract out the work to the L.A. County Sheriff instead of having their own separate department. I lived in a city that did that. Personally, I thought they did a poor job. I spent a lot of time on the phone complaining to them about how they screwed up, again. I was not impressed.

It recently made the national news that cops shot a man in Fullerton, California who was ill with Schizophrenia. What you are do not realize is that this incident is nothing new. All that is new is that the shooting made it to the national news instead of just the local news. This kind of thing happens on a regular basis with LAPD. They are notorious for shooting the mentally ill and claiming the person was armed when they were not. Fullerton PD has a distinct vibe to it and it is not good. You do not want to be pulled over by them as it can be quite scary. They have scared me before. They are a bunch of bullies. Every department has a vibe to it. Everyone knows which department is going to give you shit and which one will be cool.

Example: I got harassed by Huntington Beach police for drinking in the backyard of my friend's apartment. The cop told us, "You have to be inside the apartment to drink. You can not be outside if you are drinking." I said, "No way. That is bullshit! We are in a yard, behind a wall, mind your own business. Get out of here." He started an argument with me. I called the station and told them, "You have an asshole over here harassing me. We are in the yard behind a block wall fence. Call him and tell him to get out of here. I won't take his crap unless you want a lawsuit. Let me see how fast can I call my dad and his 60 lawyer friends. Let me tell you my name and my dad's name. I don't think you want to fuck with me. I'm sure you have seen us in the paper and my dad on the news." The cop I was talking to recognized my name alright. He called the cop on the radio and told him, "Leave them alone." My friends all laughed. They said, "Way to go on intimidating the cops." I thought, well, the name has to be good for something! That cop was threatening to arrest us and take us to jail for minding our own business, chilling out, drinking beers and chatting in the backyard. What the hell? There was only about five us sitting around in patio furniture chairs. We didn't even have music on. It was just us talking. The cop peaked his head over the wall and started in on us. Oh, just go away!

In Long Beach I had an officer swing his night stick at me in order to break my driver side window. I sped up and he hit my rear panel. There was an accident at the traffic circle on PCH on a rainy day. He was standing at South PCH where I was entering the traffic circle. I looked at him and asked, "Can I enter?" He said, "Wait." Normally it is a yield to enter the traffic circle. That day I had to stop due to the accident in the center of the circle. He turned around and told me, "OK, you can go." I slowly inched forward so I could see around him and see the coming traffic. I don't know if he forget that he told me to go or what happened. He suddenly turned around, jumped, blew up and began screaming at me. I said, "What? You told me to go? What is wrong?" He kept screaming. He drew back his night stick to hit my window and I punched the gas to get out of there. He hit my rear panel of my car and dented it. I was shaken up. I did not report it as I worked in the area and didn't want him to come pay me a visit at work and harass me. I was afraid of him. LBPD is not a department to be messed with. You don't want to go there. Bad shit happens to people who do that. LBPD is a dirty, dirty department. The national media comes out to do TV news exposes on them. They put it on the national news and say, "Isn't this awful?" I always laugh to myself and think you have no idea.(this is just what happened to me. this does not include what has happened to my friends, but this would be too long.)

Given the dirty departments (extortion, kickbacks, theft, etc.), police brutality, unlawful shootings, the recent exposes in the L.A. Times about how the L.A. Sheriff Department puts new hires on the high power inmates (drug cartel guys, powerful shot callers for the Mexican drug cartels, Mexican Mafia, bloods, crips, Russian Mafia, etc. these guys need someone who is the most seasoned guarding them and instead they get someone who is the second day on the job. this is a no, duh item. I thought everyone knew this. why is the LA Times surprised? new guys start in the jail.), sexual harassment of the female employees the police departments have so many issues they can not solve and will not solve that it is not realistic to think they will one day formulate any sort of PC Mentally Ill status plan that makes sense.

I had thought about going to police departments on a voluntary basis and giving the cops a lecture on Mood Disorders over all and Bipolar in particular in the hopes that it would make a difference. Now I am without a car so I can not get around to do that. I thought if cops could hear what the illness is like not from a doctor or a cop, but from an actual patient maybe, just maybe, it might shift their perspective slightly. Right now cops get all of their info from other cops and it is all wrong.

My ex told me about "hesitation marks" as being something cops see on people who have attempted suicide but backed out at the last minute and hesitated as they decided they wanted to live after all, hence the marks are called "hesitation marks." I got mad at him. I told him, "That is some bullshit! There is no such thing as hesitation marks. Where the fuck do they come up with this bullshit? If you see marks the person committed suicide, was found, revived, taken to a hospital, received stitches and those are their scars from when they cut themselves open and were stitched up. Or, the person is a cutter." He looked at me funny and said, "Cutter? What is a cutter?" I got mad. I said, "See! They don't tell you shit! You don't even know what a cutter is. How can you tell a cutter from a real suicide attempt? You can't! You have never even heard of one!"

I had to explain to him what a cutter was and how that is a mental illness too. I explained to him that cutting comes from OCD. I explained to him how I saw four people in the ER who had slashed their wrists and they were sewn up the same day I was admitted to the ER on a 5150 so don't tell me you won't see a scar. What do you think you will see? I was so pissed at his ignorance and how he was confident he was well informed. He had been told this information in a Captain's Briefing at work. He said a Lieutenant gives them briefings about mental illness. I said, "Well, that guy is a dickhead. He knows nothing. Listen to me and not to him." That was when he said to me, "Well, maybe you should come and be the one to tell us things since everything I tell you that he told me is wrong."

The cops are first responders and investigators of suicides and they can't even ID it correctly. What the hell? Cops are first responders to attempted suicide and often transport the person to a psychiatric ward for a 5150 and they can't even properly evaluate the person to determine if they need a 5150 or not! They have no fucking idea! They might take the person to a regular hospital instead of a hospital that has a state mental psychiatric hospital as well as an ER to patch the person up and then book them a room a Ritz loony bin. Have you ever noticed how they are careful about the meals in the psych ward? No metal or sharp objects are allowed. Everything is plastic and they bring it to you to make sure you eat.

I think he had a good idea. I think if the mentally ill were to show the police: (1) I am not a menace to you so do not shoot me. (2) I look completely normal and you would never know I am ill unless I told you. A mentally ill person can look like anyone. This can change their perspective on the mentally ill population. (3) It is not my fault that I am ill and stop thinking that way. I didn't do anything wrong. Cops have this idea that because some people get drug induced psychosis from excess amounts of E or other drugs that it follows that other mental illness must also be drug induced and therefore it is your own fault. This is not fair. They need to be educated on the causes of mental illness. (4) Symptoms of mental illness. This lets cops know when they meet a mentally ill person and when someone is faking it in the jail to gain access to the hospital. For instance healthy inmates will fake Schizophrenia by saying they hear voices because they do not like their cellmate and want out of their cell. Educating cops as to symptoms would allow them to understand a Hypomanic/Manic person and possibly a depressed person. If they could understand the person is not tripping out, doing it on purpose (like anyone would want to? my ex accused me of "doing it on purpose"), acting up, pretending or in any way exaggerating that would be helpful. (5) If cops could be made to understand Bipolar is a real illness and not some made up, fake illness that would be helpful. Right now most of them have never heard of it and believe it to be made up. Bipolar is not a widespread, well known word like "cancer" so they do not know it and if they do not know it they think it does not exist.

I think police departments should have a liaison work with different support groups such as DBSA in order to reach out to the communities, get patient speakers to come talk to their department, get feedback from the mentally ill community, institute officer training, officer sensitivity and be more supportive of the mentally ill community so less people are shot, roughed up, arrested in err, taken into custody in err and things are handled in a more civilized manner. This would be my dream.

Jury Duty and Ignorant Court Workers

2011-12-27T00:55:00.000-08:00

A couple of years ago I was called for jury duty. I returned the card. I checked off, "I had a medical excuse. Please excuse me." I wrote on the card under medical condition "Bipolar Disorder." I got a followup card in a packet in the mail basically saying, not good enough. You are still on the hook. I thought, Are you kidding me? I would think a mental illness as serious as Bipolar Disorder is an automatic disqualification from the jury pool, but nooooooo. They would not let me go.

I called the phone number in the packet and explained to the woman, "I can not come to jury duty. I just got out of the psychiatric hospital. I am not well enough to serve on jury duty. I am not well enough to sit in a jury box all day long." I had been out of the hospital for about three days when the followup packet came. I had been admitted to the hospital on a 5150 in between when I sent the first reply and they replied back to me. I was freshly out of the hospital on a 5150 (3 day hold due to a suicide attempt) that turned into a 5250 (2 week hold). The hospital did nothing for me. No diagnosis. No medication. No aftercare program. Nothing. The stay was pointless. The only thing it got me was I was placed on the "FBI Do Not Sell List for Guns" and prohibited from purchasing a gun through a gun store. Big deal. I can buy a gun from a gun show, pawn shop, on the street or from a gang banger. It isn't difficult to get your hands on an untraceable gun and get around the 14 day waiting period. I just shrugged at the doctor at how ridiculous he sounded by putting me on the do not sell list. Really, who cares? This is Southern California. There are plenty of people who can sell me a gun. What do I want? Ceramic, plastic, metal, handgun, rifle, shotgun? What do I want? How ridiculous to put me on the list. It doesn't make a damn bit of difference.

I burst into tears as I was talking to court women. I told her, "I am suicidal and I do not know if I will last until the end of a trial. I just got out of the hospital on a 5150."

Apparently, she has heard it all before. She was unmoved by what I had to say. She began to angrily drill me. "What is wrong with you? You sound fine to me. If you are out of the hospital you can serve on jury duty. You aren't in the hospital NOW!" She did not believe a word out of my mouth and felt I was lying to get out of jury duty as a lot of people do lie and make up stories to get out of jury duty, but honestly who would say, "I just got out of a 5150?"

Do people really say, "I just got out of the hospital on a 5150. I can't come." Who would make that up? That is embarrassing to admit to anyone. The only people who know I was 5150d are my doctors, my therapist and my parents. No one else knows. I haven't told anyone. I can 't imagine running around town freely sharing this information.

I explained to her, "I keep breaking down every couple of hours. I can't stop crying. They would have to stop the trial to excuse me and eventually let me off the trial. I am unstable and can not serve. It is not a lack of willingness. It is a lack of mental health. I am not healthy enough to do it. I already told you I have Bipolar. What more do you want from me?"

She kept asking me questions that were outlandish and ignorant. She was very insulting. It was clear she knew nothing of psychology, psychiatry or psychotropic drugs as she was not asking the right kinds of questions. All of her questions were off base, biting, sarcastic and intended to sort me out and find out if I was lying, but she didn't know the area so she could not ask me the right kinds of questions.

She then said something very ignorant that really struck me as a huge part of why people have misconceptions about mental illness and a huge stigma. She said, "You talk just fine. You sound fine to me." She sounded baffled as to how I could be mentally ill and my speech was not affected. She was wondering aloud why I did not slur my speech, have a speech impediment, a lisp or some sort of speech problem that would betray that I was ill. Like I should sound like a stroke victim or a person with Down's Syndrome. I should be marked in some way so you can tell OVER THE PHONE that I am mentally ill! I was really mad. I was really, really, really mad! Talk about insulting! You are insulting my intelligence. You are insulting me as a person. You are insulting my illness. You are belittling me as a person. That is soooo not cool.

She was also wondering how I could be so intelligent if I was *mentally* ill. In other words the word "mental" in "mentally ill" means I should also be stupid and not at all intelligent or educated. I was insulted! She is equating Bipolar Disorder with a severe case of Down's Syndrome. Those are not the same.

She expected me to sound like a totaly retarded, moron, idiot child who had been dropped on its head one too many times and could not add two and two together. She did not expect me to be intelligent or cogent if I was mentally ill. This woman felt I should sound like I had Down's Syndrome if I have Bipolar Disorder.

I was so taken aback by her ignorance I was struck dumb. When I am shocked by something I am struck speechless. Here she is an officer of the court dealing with people day in and day out with all sorts of physical, mental and emotional problems and she no idea what I am talking about. What the hell? I was transferred to her when I said I needed to speak to someone to be excused for a medical reason and she had never heard of Bipolar Disorder. She had no idea what it was. She did not have a book, pamphlet, brochure, binder, computer list, printout, clipboard, computer program or anything to refer to. She had nothing to aid her.That is some kind of nonsense if you ask me. Why do they not have a system in place with a list of illnesses the people on the phone can refer to and immediately say, "Oh, yeah, you are cool. Don't worry about it." Why is there no list? Why are they not organized? What the hell?

I asked her, "How long have you worked there?" She proudly replied, "Fourteen years." That is a lot of experience yet she knows nothing of mental health. How can this be? I can't possibly be the FIRST mental health patient to cross her desk. What the hell?

I used to work in South Central Los Angeles in the ghetto to be precise. My coworkers and my clients were all from the ghetto and lots of them where current and former bloods and crips. I know what a ghetto rat sounds like and looks like. That woman was a ghetto rat from the hood who transferred to beautiful, suburban Orange County as the hood rats like to do in order to escape the hood. As is apt to happen the African-American hood rats like to give the white chick a rough time. I knew this from having worked in South Central. So, I came back at her ghetto style as that is all she will respect. She will not respect me being polite, cordial and respect to her as she sees it as weak, submissive and passive. I have to return fire with fire in order to gain her respect and to get her to back the hell down. That is how it is done in the hood. I had to yell at her and put her in her place just like I did when I worked in the hood. She was shocked as she did not expect me to come back at her as the African-American girls call white girls from OC "Little Miss White Bread Orange County". She was not anticipating any blow back, but I had her number from my years in the hood. I knew how to handle her and was not about to take her crap. Had I not worked in the hood I wouldn't have known who she was and how to handle her, but I recognized her voice, speech pattern, sentence structure, accent and vocabulary immediately. I knew exactly where she came from and how to handle her.

I blew up and told her off. I yelled at her about how she was disrespecting me and I would not stand for it. I yelled at her about how I had a legitimate excuse and I didn't want to hear her shit. I yelled at her about what is wrong with me and why it is not possible for me to serve on jury duty at this time. I have done so in the past when I was called, but now is not a good time. Take me off the God damn list, get off my back and do not bother me again. I want off the mother fucking list! I screamed at her. I yelled. I cursed her out. I went off. Ka-boom.

When I finished she said, "Okaaaaay. I will look up Bipolar and see what it is. Send me a letter from your doctor and you will be excused, but you are ONLY excused for one year. I can get you for the following year." She acted like she was doing me a huge favor and I should lick her boots. She was just doing her regular job and doing it poorly. I was not about to lick anything let alone her boots.

I told her, "Fine. I don't care. I just can 't do it now. I am not well right now. Whatever you say. I just don't care. If I am not well next time I will deal with it then. I just need to be excused now." She begrudgingly let me out of jury duty. Normally they get me every year or two so she was not happy to let me go.

They are real sticklers about jury duty and will even send the cops to arrest you on a bench warrant if you fail to appear for jury duty. Is that bullshit or what?
Inmate A: "Why are you in jail?"
Inmate B: "I didn't go to jury duty. I'm here on a judge's bench warrant."
What bullshit, but that is how it is. You must go to jury duty or you go to jail for failure to appear. Lots of luck in jail. You will get shanked all because you did not go to jury duty.

You go to jail on unpaid parking tickets too. This is why we have jail overcrowding and inmates are let out before their sentence is up. The Appellate Court judge says, let them out due to overcrowding. Throwing people in jail for jury duty and unpaid parking tickets is ridiculous. Just boot their car for tickets or tow it and make them pay to get the boot removed or get the car out of impound, but don't throw them in jail. That is just stupid. Putting people in jail for jury duty only makes them resent the process and doesn't solve the problem. When people are resentful they behave like thirteen year old teenage boys and will not listen so jail is not the answer.

Threatening a person who has Bipolar Disorder with jail unless they report for jury duty is not going to make me well, make me a good juror, make me able to carry out the duties of a juror, make me like the jury process, make me appreciate the trial system, make me like judges, lawyers, defendants, the court or want to participate in the court process. Instead....now I feel like, screw you. I never want to do jury duty ever again after that lady talked down to me, was sarcastic to me, was bitchy to me, was rude to me and just an all around asshole to me. Do I want to help out the court system after my encounter with her? Fuck no.

Hauling me off to jail for contempt of court because I missed jury duty, without my medications, makes the situation worse rather than better.

Do I think I was fit to sit on the jury for any trial at that time? Hell, No, I was not. I was mentally and emotionally shaky. I could not pay attention to evidence as it was presented as my ADHD and OCD was combining and raging. Everything would go over my head. I was lost in my own tortured thoughts of death and suicide. I did not think this was fair to any of the parties involved that I sit on the jury. I could be cause for a mistrial. I knew that. That stupid woman I spoke to was too stupid to realize that. I was saving the state a mistrial and doing the state a favor by excusing myself. I think that is commendable, but no Miss Bitch begs to differ. All she cares about is capturing numbers and you can be as screwed up as you like as long as the number of people who show up are high. She only cares about numbers and not the quality of the jurors. I might add to the number of jurors, but my quality was so dismally low that I was not even half of a juror and therefore, I should not be there.

I was admitted to the hospital for being suicidal, again. I spent my time scheming and plotting ways to kill myself. That occupied my every waking thought. I would sit in the jury box thinking of ways to kill myself and completely zone out and not listen to the judge or attorneys. I would not even hear them. At that time I was crying throughout that day, so I would have to be excused to go finish crying. I would eventually be replaced by an alternate. It would have been a big waste of time and money to put me in the jury box. Only a retarded, moron fool would do so as I would be cause for a mistrial if i stayed on a trial.

I had even filled out the form and sent it in saying I was mentally ill with Bipolar Disorder, but they sent me a second letter saying essentially "If you could fill out the card and return that means you are fine and not mentally ill after all."

The people at the court have this idea that if you say, "I am mentally ill" they do not believe you because you should not be able to do the following if you are mentally ill:
(1) read
(2) write
(3) speak proper English
(4) express yourself in complete sentences
(5) be intelligent
(6) have lucid thoughts
(7) be rational
(8) be logical
(8) be a responsible citizen
(9) sound like a "normal" person when you speak and/or write
(10) look like a "normal" person when you appear in public

The expectation of the people working for the court is that I should be a limping, drooling, cleft lipped, cross eyed, Mongoloid, slurred speech, irrational, illogical, uneducated, irresponsible, illiterate, half wit, dumb as dog shit, idiot, wild child with your hair all askew so they can know me when they see me coming or speak to me on the phone.

The reality is you can not tell anything is wrong with me when you speak to me or see me. I appear normal. I look like your typical Scandinavian woman. I do not look abnormal in any way that you can identify me as mentally ill. No one does anyone else who is mentally ill. Mental illness does not work that way. Mental illness is not something that is observable, but this is the expectation of people. They *think* they should be able to *see* something is wrong with me when they look at me. They do not understand you can not see into my brain and I doubt you would want to.

Even with a lot of physical illnesses you can not *see* them when you look at a person. You can not tell I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Thyroid Disease, but I do. These things are not observable from the outside.

You also can not tell I have problems with Potassium. It drops so low I have almost died. Potassium regulates the heart and if you do not have enough your heart stops beating and you die. I am a medical miracle. I should be dead according to my blood tests. The guys at the lab thought they did blood work on a corpse because my levels were so low they did not register. My doctor had them repeat the blood work and they came back the same. My doctor told me, "You should not be alive. This is impossible that you are alive. You should be in the morgue. I should write you up for a medical journal because this is impossible that you are alive. This is unheard of. No wonder you are so sick." You can't see that. There is nothing on the outside you can see to know I should be dead.

If physical illnesses such as cancer can not be seen from the outside why does she expect to see something on the outside because I am mentally ill? You would not say that to a cancer patient. You would not tell a dying cancer patient, "You sound fine. Show up for jury duty."

They do not understand that mental illness does not mean I will also be stupid. Ever hear the phrase, "There is a thin line between genius and madness?" I can have a high IQ and still be mentally ill. The two are not mutually exclusive. My IQ happens to be very high, but I happen to also be mentally ill. What can you do? It just worked out that way. Don't hold it against me.

I am just sick and tired of the stereotypes and stigma against mental illness. I'm so over it. I do think the courts need to understand certain mental illnesses need an automatic excuse from jury duty as you do not want to press that person into jury duty. They are not well enough to serve or stable enough to handle a trial. If they ask to be excused....let them out! The people answering the phones should be educated and prepped so they are aware of the names of mental illnesses.

Why does the court not have a DSM list of mental illnesses for people who automatically get a pass from jury duty? Why did I have to fight with that lady? That is ridiculous.

Mental illness is the last area in which people feel they can openly and freely discriminate against others without repercussions. The PC Police have not yet made a trip to the mental health land to say we are "a protected class" therefore we are fair game. The PC Patrol has passed by the mentally ill population. Everyone gets protection and consideration, but us.

I would like to see the courts get some training and list of mental illnesses that get an automatic excuse from jury duty when the patient asks for an excuse from jury duty. Do not make a mental health patient stress over how to find a ride to the court house, parking, where to find a place to eat lunch, how to find the route to get there and home when they can barely function. Do not put them on a year trial and force them to skip doctor appointments, therapy appointments and picking up their medication from a pharmacy that closes at 6:00 and they can't make it there on time. Don't put them through hardship. Life is hard enough when you are mentally ill.

For God's sakes if they say, "I am not well. I just got out of the hospital on a 5150. Please excuse me." EXCUSE THEM! Have a heart. Just because you were recently discharged does not mean you are well. All it means is you won your hearing. That is all it means. I was not all well when I got out of the hospital, but I convinced the judge once I was changed to a 5250 to not allow the hospital to keep me for two years like they wanted. They put me on a T-CONN and then asked to hold me for two years. They over reached and the judge said, "No. You do not have cause to hold her for two years." Had they asked for two months or three months she would have said, yes, but they got greedy and went for two years instead. When I got out I was in worse shape than when I went in.

The woman at the court house has this idea that I was released on the 5150 and therefore all must be well, but I was not well. Everything was worse than before I went into the hospital. The hospital made it worse rather than better. I was drugged out of my mind on tranquilizers in the hospital so I could not run away. I could not lift my head or lift my feet when I walked. I shuffled when I walked. I spoke in slurred speech due to the heavy medication. I slept all the time due to the drugs. The doctors and nurses had no idea what was wrong with me. I had no diagnosis and no treatment plan. All they did was drug me up with tranquilizers and complain about how I would not eat the food. They served me food I am allergic to so I refused it. Instant diet!

When I went off the tranquilizers to get ready for my court date I realized I was behind locked doors and barbwire. It was a grim setting. I saw the sun twice a day for 15 minutes when we took a smoke break. I went outside for every smoke break to see the sun. I looked up at the barbwire and thought, "Damn how my life has disintegrated."

I heard the nurses cackling at the nurses station, "When we get her for two years we are going to ask for ten years the next time we go to to court." My future looked bleak. My shitty ass therapist phoned me and told me, "This is as good as it gets. Get used to it." I fired her. Needless to say, I came out of the hospital more depressed rather than less depressed and more suicidal rather than less. So, for the lady from the court to think I was all better and patched up after my 5150 stay she was desperately wrong. My 5150 did more harm than it did good. For the woman at the court to say to me, "You sound fine to me." was a terrible misjudgment on her part. I was far from fine.

The hospital never did come up with a diagnosis for me. The had no idea what was wrong with me. They didn't even say, "You have Unipolar Depression." They had no idea. They discharged me with no diagnosis, no name of a doctor to see, no referral, no social worker, no medication, no prescriptions, no support, no nothing. I was just let loose and left to my own devices. I had to to search around for a psychiatrist by myself in that condition. I could barely function and get out of bed.

I found a psychiatrist at a medical group and he was useless. He said, "I don't know what is wrong with you. I don't want to be sued again. I don't want it to hit my medical malpractice, so I am not prescribing anything for you. Come back in a week." This went on for a month. I got so mad at that piss ant I fired his ass. The office manager asked me why I refused to make a new appointment. "Was I angry with the office staff?" I replied, "No, I have no problems with the office staff. My problem is with the doctor who can not diagnose me. I put my head down on his desk and cried asking for help. All he does is say to me, 'I don't know what is wrong with you. I can't treat you. I can't be sued again.' How many times has that guy been sued? What is wrong with him anyway?" She looked at me shocked. She said, "I will take care of it. I am so sorry you experienced this." I just shrugged and walked out. I found a new doctor.

I was in the middle of dealing with the doctor who didn't know what was wrong with me and refused to treat me for fear of being sued again and it hitting his medical malpractice insurace again when the lady from the court got on my ass. Of course I did not take it well. My frustrations of dealing with the hospital, the 5150, the judge to get out of the hospital, the stupid doctor and then the lady from the court being mean to me was all too much all at once so I blew up.

What kind of a doctor tells a patient, "I can't treat you as I can't have it hit my medical malpractice insurance again"? AGAIN? Dude, how many times have you been sued? I am not feeling confident in your ability to do your job to a even mediocre level. Are you the bottom of the barrel? Did I hit rock bottom to get you as my doctor? How low have I sunk in my life to get YOU for a doctor?

People who have never had to seek psychiatric care have no idea just how many shitty ass doctors there are out there. Until you need the services of a psychiatrist and go looking for one it is impossible to gauge just how many crappy ass doctors exist in this world. I am so tired of the well people in this world making the assumption that all I have to do is "see a doctor and get on meds and all my problems will be fixed." Yeah, well, it is not that easy. You give it a go and see how far you get.

Psychiatrists specialize just like any doctor specializes. Some treat OCD. Others treat Personality Disorders. Some treat ADHD. Some treat Mood Disorders. They all differ. Go to one who doesn't treat your problem and you will not get quality help as you are asking a plumber to put in electrical wiring into your home and who does that? It is not a simple thing.

In three years I have gone through five shitty doctors. In twenty years I have seen approximately twenty doctors. The typical scenario is that each one wants to put his own spin and flavor on my med plan and they can not leave well enough alone. I get more and more meds added, but none taken away. I eventually ended up on twenty meds and totaled two cars in eighteen months due to over medication. Obviously, I have not been stable. Despite this I limped along, held a job, graduated under grad and went to grad school twice. However, I got worse and worse with age until I imploded and ended up in the hospital. For that lady to question me and drill me is terribly insulting.

I did OK until I went to law school and I fell apart with a physical illness that almost killed me, a medication that did kill me (I flatlined, died and was kicked out of the place I went to. I came back to life in the ER.) and that set off trauma that triggered the Bipolar Disorder. Then everything fell apart. Then I went to the hospital on the 5150 and came out to fight with the bitch. She was the last thing I needed to encounter when it was one thing after the other.I only made it through one year of law school as I developed health problems and mental problems. People told me to drop out during the first semester because I looked physically sick. I wish I would have listened. I was not well. That started my odyssey of visiting every single local hospital ER for the next year and a half with a couple of admissions for good measure. A genetic illness started and everything went to hell.

Why Bother?

2011-12-23T01:58:00.000-08:00

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. I told him I can not come see him every two weeks like he wants as I can not afford it. I am in dire straits financially. I owe almost six figures in student loans for law school. I did a loan deferment, but they would not allow me to defer again. I have been paying on that loan for years and it has gotten to the point where I am ready to default because I can not afford my student loans, credit card bills, doctor visits, lab visits for blood draws, medications and vitamins my doctors want me on. I can not afford it all. I have genetic problems which leads me to have vitamin deficiencies such as B Vitamin anemia and iron anemia. I have to take supplements because I can not absorb them from food for some reason. My body is defective. I take Omega-3 Fatty Fish Oil and Flax Seed Oil because it is helpful to stave off Alzheimer's a disease that runs in my family generation after generation and it also medicates Bipolar and Major Depression.

I almost died from too low of Potassium (so low I did not register on the test and the lab guys thought I was a cadaver. they were shocked when my doctor told them, run the test again. she is alive.). My doctor told me, "It is impossible for you to be alive. You should be in the morgue. I need to write you up and put you in a medical journal because this is IMPOSSIBLE." He was quite excited. I told him, "I told you I was sick." I can not regulate my electrolytes. The electrolytes regulate the electrical system for the heart. Not enough electrolytes and our heart stops beating. That is what happened to me. This problem killed my grandmother and runs in the family for some reason. I inherited the problem and it impacts all the medications, vitamins, minerals, food and everything I take it. Things get out of balance in my body very easily and my heart starts to stop beating and it begins to give me pain. This happens very quickly and comes from out of the blue. My electrolyte problem impacts all the medications, vitamins, minerals and everything that goes in my mouth. There is nothing I can do about it. I just wait until it happens again. Then I run to the doctor for a high dosage prescription to save my life. It is a very rare problem. It is a fatal problem if left untreated.

I owe another $25,000 in credit card bills which is mostly medical bills. My credit cards are maxed out. I have no wiggle room on them. My medical expenses in 2010 was $10,000 and I made $14,000 in disability. The math does not add up and my credit cards went up.

I am at the point where I am skipping doctor appointments and cutting back on my meds because I no money to pay for them. I explained this to my psychiatrist and he was horrified. I've been trying to figure out how long can I go without my T3 before I become very sick and require a trip to the ER? T3 is very expensive, but I have to have it due to my Hypothyroid Disease. I read on the Internet a death from Hypothyroid Disease is a grisly death. I don't want to die that way.

My mom asked me how I was doing and I told her the truth. She gave me $500, but she gave the same amount to my siblings so it was not like it was just for me. It was a Christmas gift because all four of her children are struggling. She said nothing about, "Here is because you are having a hard time." There was no acknowledgment for what I am experiencing. It was confusing.

My parents have no idea how to show "love" except to give money. However, normally the money comes with strings attached and/or abuse. Money is never "free" when it comes from them. I am waiting to see what is attached to this particular gift. My father made some comments about what I "must do with the money and can not do with it" do there is a controlling aspect to the money. I can only have it if I spend it in a manner they see fit. The money is not freely given with real love. It is given in a controlling, you are under my thumb and I own your ass kind of manner which makes the money gift always unsavory. I appreciate the money, but I feel slimed by taking it.

My psychiatrist said something to me that really shocked me. I told him, "I want you to get me well. I want to return to work. I was turned down for private health insurance. I am deeply in debt. I need to work. I want to return to work. Get me well so I can work again."

He replied, "You are on disability. You are permanently disabled. I can do the documents for you to get your student loans discharged. You are not well enough to work and I will attest to that. You are not going to recover. You might get slightly better, but this is as good as it gets."

I am not going to make a complete recovery? This was news to me. I was shocked. I came home from my appointment, crawled into bed and didn't get out of bed the rest of the day or today. I have stayed in bed depressed. I had been under the impression if I went to DBSA meetings, therapy, took my meds, ate a healthy diet, exercised, surrounded myself with healthy, supportive people that I could recover. Now he tells me, NO.

Now I am wondering if this is the case what the FUCKING is the point of therapy, DBSA meetings, psychiatrists, medication, exercise, eating right and trying? What is the fucking point? What is the point to ANY of it?

If there is no possibility of recovery from Bipolar Disorder why am I trying? So, I am slightly better than if I am off meds, but so what? So what? I cannot have a full recovery and enjoy a full life or return to my old life. I can not work. I can not be self-sufficient. I cannot hold a job and get health insurance through my job. I cannot get a sense of identity through my career. I cannot form a sense of purpose and have a purpose in life through having a career like I used to. I cannot pay rent for my own apartment without a good strong income like I used to have. I cannot buy a car without an income. I have been without a car for over a year. It is extremely difficult to get around in sprawling Southern California without a car. My psychiatrist is half and hour away by car and two to three times that by bus if a bus shows up at all. Bus travel is erratic and unreliable. Bus schedules mean nothing and are merely a suggestion for when the bus may or may not stop at that particular stop.

I am trying to think of a reason why I should go on and I can't come up with anything. I am not married. I do not have a husband. I do not have a boyfriend. I do not have a lover. I am not dating. I am single. I do not have children. My grandparents are dead.

My family is not a group of people who are supportive and stand by me. My family is a hindrance to me with their nonstop abuse. It makes it very difficult to be motivated when they tear me down, criticize me, mock me and make me feel small, inferior and insignificant. I wish I had a kind, loving, supportive family, but that has never been the case. I tolerate and bear my family rather than enjoying them. I protect myself the best I can from their attacks, but it is hard.

I do not have a job or career to look forward to. I do not enjoy good physical health or good emotional health. I was laboring under the assumption I would get better and be able to return to work. Being told this is not possible has sent me into a tail spin. I have really come down in the world. I used to have a great job in Hollywood at the best post-production house in town. My clients were the major studios and TV networks. I knew film and TV producers, directors, editors, assistant editors, studio executives, post-production supervisors and other staffers on TV shows, movies, at the TV networks, film studios, postproduction houses, prop houses, etc.. I had it all. I had a job my friends envied and they wanted to have. I was fortunate and I knew it. I was completely stressed out by my bully boss, coked out clients, demanding clients, egomaniac clients, etc. but it was a really great job and opportunity. It was a prestigious job at the most prestigious post house in Hollywood. I had some of the biggest names in Hollywood as my clients. A regular who's who. What I wouldn't give to have that job again today even with the inflated egos that go with working in Hollywood. If I can handle that kind of stress with a boss throwing his cell phone at my head and the head of NBC screaming at me, "You will never work in this town again."...I think I can work with Bipolar. Why can't I worked with Bipolar? All the shit I have put up with and worked through? He honestly thinks I am incapable? Seriously? Dude, you have fucking idea what I have done already.

I had another job doing marketing. I wrote press releases, wrote material for websites, created brochures, created newspaper ads, created magazine ads, created billboard ads, worked with photographers, selected photos, selected color schemes for projects, etc. It was boring as hell and not really challenging at all. I could do it in my sleep, but it paid the bills. I would prefer to be physically healthy again and not have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, not have symptoms of Bipolar Disorder and working at that place again even though it was a stressful meat grinder corporation where people sued for hostile work environment on a regular basis and went out on stress leave due to the toxic environment than be in my present situation. I would still rather work there than be sick with Bipolar Disorder. I would go back to the headaches, stomach aches and stress if it meant I would be rid of Bipolar Disorder and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I just want some semblance of a normal life. I want to be like other people. I long for normalcy.

I lived in Asia where I didn't speak any of the languages or dialects. I supervised 12 men working on the home and didn't speak one single language of the country. The men didn't want to do anything I told them since I was a a lowly female and woman have no place in their society. I made them work anyway. My neighbor said I made them work fast when I was ready to kill them all out of frustration with their laziness. He told me the work was finished in one third the time it would take if he supervised them. He offered me work as a contractor which was unheard of for a female (especially a white, American female). If I can do that I think I can recover from Bipolar and go back to work. I think my doctor is a liar. I think he is spouting the traditional line American doctors spout. That doesn't make it true. I am furious though.

I just want to work like everyone else. I want to be productive.

I want to pay taxes and bitch about paying taxes like everyone else. I want to be self-sufficient.

I want a 401k like I used to have. I want health insurance, dental insurance, vision insurance and all the perks that go with having a job just like I used to have. If I can not have that I do not know what the point is of me continuing to struggle. I simply don't see the point. Struggle for what? If I can not not recover what is the fucking point? What is the point of all of this?

I was under the impression if I did the right things, in the correct order, in the correct amount, listened to my doctor, took my meds and did everything right, was perfect, minded my Ps and Qs I would become well, but noooooo. This is not what my doctor says. Now I have no fucking hope. My illusions are shattered like a mirror that has fallen from a wall and broken on the floor. The pieces lie scattered on the floor. Now what?

I am vacillating back and forth between believing my doctor and rejecting what he says and saying, he is wrong. It is not as bad as what he says. If my doctor is correct there really is no need for psychiatry. Why bother to see a doctor if you can not recover? The field of psychiatry is then obsolete. What a dumb ass my doctor is. That was really fucking rude to tell me that. Do you really want to tell a Bipolar patient, you can never recover? Bipolar patients kill themselves at a higher rate than any other patients so that was a smooth move on his part.

I feel really angry that my doctor would destroy my hope and plunge me into despair and depression. I have noticed psychiatrists tend to be socially awkward. If a doctor is a person with social finesse they go into a different field of medicine, but not psychiatry. All the psychiatrists I have met in Southern California seem to be socially awkward and misfits to a certain extent. They are not social butterflies and people who have a lot of social skills. Their patients probably have more social skills than they do. It is very frustrating to see them as some can not even communicate effectively. I paid for THAT? You have to be kidding me!

There are a ton of doctors in my area, but very few with good reviews. Most patients complain about the doctors and say the doctors over medicate, can't diagnose, can't speak to a patient, the doctor is rude, the doctor has a God-complex, makes incorrect diagnosis, etc. It is very troubling. My current doctor does not over medicate and in the reviews is in the #5 for doctors in Orange County. He is among the best even though he pissed me off. That tells you what I am dealing with. The caliber is not very high. The quantity is there, but the quality is low. I have been to six doctors in six years. The doctor I have now is by far the best. The others were even worse than him. He may suck, but there are others out there who suck even more.

Family Values and Talking

2011-12-18T13:51:00.000-08:00

I have not talked about my family in the past, but they impact me hugely for the worst. I come from a family of abusers. They are verbal abusers, emotional abusers and physical abusers. They think it is funny to intimidate each other, throw their weight around and swing their dick to see who is the biggest dick in the room and measure assholes to find out who is the biggest asshole in the yard. I have never found this funny and this makes me stand out. They tell me, "You are soft. You need to toughen up. You need a thicker skin. You need to be like us. You need to run with the pack and learn to laugh at others and their misery." In other words a complete lack of sympathy, empathy and compassion is valued in my family and my "softness" and "tenderness" in not valued. They have done their best to punch this out of me, but despite their best efforts I retain my humanity. I am soft. I am human. I am not a callous, caustic pig spewing garbage all over everyone around me like my brothers, my parents and at times my sister. Now the third generation is starting this mess based on what they see their parents and grandparents doing and it is quite tragic.

Now instead of it just being my sibling that pick on me at the holiday dinners my brother trained his children to verbally molest me throughout the dinner. The funny thing is I take his children on outings he can not afford, buy them gifts and they genuinely like me, but at the urging of their dad they are quite rough on me and I sit there close to tears. I blink back the tears as they circle around me like sharks.

I have in the past asked my mother for relief from the non-stop teasing, mocking and picking on me. She asked me, "Why would I help you? You are an adult."

I said, "It is your home. You can tell everyone to behave in your house."

She said, "You are on your own." She turned her face away from me, refused to look at me and the table erupted as then everyone jumped on me knowing I was fair game. I curled up into a ball and started to cry. Not one person had any ounce of remorse for their shouting insults at me and grinning at my misery. My mother sat there cold as ice. My father did nothing staring into the distance. I put my fork down and refused to eat anything more. I got up and left the table. That ended my holiday dinner.

The following holiday they jumping on and me started earlier than usual. This went on for years. Eventually my father got tired of all the yelling and he shouted, "Enough, enough, enough! We are not doing that this time. Leave her alone." Everyone was stunned into silence. I was so shocked. I could not believe it and neither could anyone else. They all tested the boundary to see if it would hold, but he pushed them back. Score one for dad. However, dad is normally asleep at the wheel. He is not a person who can see anything outside of himself. I am shocked he even noticed I am alive.

My new tactic is: I do not speak. I sit there. I smile. I nod. I do not speak except to say please pass the turkey or whatever. Other than that I never speak. If I say nothing no one can jump on me. The funny thing is no one has even noticed I have stopped speaking. No one notices.

Everyone in my family is so self absorbed, self centered and there are multiple narcissists that no one can look past their own nose. They all like to hear themselves speak. They do notice my lack of participation and take my silence for rapt attention and hanging on their every word. There is no way for them to notice I am behaving differently or out of sorts. It simply gives them my undivided attention if I never speak and they like that. They get the floor and do not have to share it with anyone. It suits them just fine to have me become mute.

So far the strategy is working. No speaking = there is nothing they can criticize about me or what I say. If I keep my mouth shut and my head down I make myself a smaller target. I have become a ghost passing through the lives of my family and no one notices. That is sad, but funny at the same time.

One of my old therapist's said to me, "Your family picks on the healthiest member of the family because then it means they do not have to change. If you change it forces them to look at themselves and they don't want to do that. They pick on you to take you back to your unhealthy ways and drag you back into the unhealthy family enmeshment where you came from." This makes sense as the healthier I get and the more help I get the meaner, nastier and harsher my family reacts. They fight against me getting help. They are not just unsupportive...but they clearly undermine me. Admitting that I am sick means having to admit that they are sick and their children are also sick. That is something they can not live with.

There have been times when I was on 20 different meds at a time and it was quite complicated. Two of this, three of that, one of this and I mixed them up. I had about twelve overdoses. I would wake up with my then boyfriend crying over me because I had been unconscious in his bed. I asked my parents for help to figure out my medication schedule and they told me, "No, that is too complicated. Ask someone else." Okaaay. Way to be supportive of your daughter after she has just told you she had twelve overdoses. Fuck you! This is the level of concern I get from them. "Ask someone else." It wasn't like I asked for a kidney. I just asked for some assistance loading my medication pill boxes and that was too much for them to handle.

It feels kind of weird to just stop talking, but it is also freeing. I am a much smaller target if I say nothing all day long. Because of my family the amount I speak to anyone has been cut back so substantially that when people speak to me I think I have replied, but it is only in my head. I do not actually say anything out loud. This is a little bit scary. I went to the market. The checker spoke to me and I thought of my reply in my head and thought I said it, but she continued to look at me and I realized I only thought it in my mind. I guess I have not been speaking for too long now. This is the danger of stopping speaking. It spills over into other areas of my life.

My one brother who has Borderline Personality Disorder just like our mom. He is very aggressive, snarky, sarcastic, caustic, rude and nasty just like our mom. My brother and my mother can not get along with anyone for very long. They burn every bridge with their smart ass mouths. Even when I remain silent he still picks on me. He also has Bipolar Disorder and Historic Personality Disorder (just like our mom). He had four psychotic episodes in 2011 and physically assaulted me. I told my mom and she did not believe me. He assaulted both my mom and me during one incident, but she was too stupid to figure out what was happening and why. She knew he "lost it" but has no idea why or how it happened. I have told her he is mentally ill, but she refuses to believe me. She doesn't know because she never talks to him. How can you know if your kid is OK or ill if you never socialize with them? You don't know him. How can you know?

My other brother has Schizo-Affective Disorder and he is more of a passive-aggressive kind of person so therefore he trained his children to do his dirty work for him and come after me. He sits there smiling his approval as they sweat me and he laughs, giggles, smiles, high fives them and gives them a thumbs up and prods them to say more. But if he doesn't say the insults and verbal assaults himself he looks like a good guy. It is a sneaky way of going after me, but looking like he didn't. I see him whisper into the ear of his children and then they attack me. I am not stupid. I see him make hand signals to his kids to prod them to insult me. I am not an idiot. I know he is controlling them and pushing them to attack me. Then he "forgets" what he has done and claims he is innocent. This is typical of my family.

The funny thing about my family members is that between Borderline Personality Disoder, Schizo-Affective Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Historonic Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder every single person in my immediate family is ill. I am the only one who is in treatment even though my parents and one of my brothers have also sought treatment for mental illness in the past. They dare pick on me when they have a diagnosis themselves. I find this ironic. My sister and her daughter knew they had Bipolar before I even told them I was diagnosed.

My brother's daughter, the one who picks on me, is exhibiting classic symptoms of Bipolar. She is sicker than I was at her age. She is more advanced. My brother is treating her with St. John's Wort, Varlarian Root, Melatonin and other herbal remedies. My brother will not say the word "Bipolar" but he gets a funny look on his face when I tell him, "She acts just like I acted at her age. She has Bipolar, Dude. Wake up!" This is the same brother who has programed his children to pick on me and now his own daughter has come up with Bipolar. How ironic is that? So, little girl, you picked on your aunt and now you are sick yourself. How does that feel? Kind of sucks, doesn't it? My niece has no sympathy for me even though she is now in the beginnings of Bipolar herself. She can not relate that we have the same thing and it was not nice that she picked on me. She can't put two and two together.

Holidays are rough for me. I dread them. I hate them. My stomach fills with acid when I think about holidays as it means another day of being abused by my family. Oh, I hate them!!!!!

Health Insurance Enrollment

2011-12-14T20:12:00.000-08:00

This month I attempted to enroll in private Health Insurance from company X as that is the health insurance my psychiatrist and all my medical doctors take. I filled out the application online truthfully as it was sternly worded that they will pull my information from my current and former insurance companies and my medical records. They will find out my medical conditions from my medications, lab visits, doctor visits, medical coding for diagnosis and I might as well admit it up front. The application was very....stern and frighting so I was truthful. They were looking for certain things in order to exclude certain patients. I was freaking clueless that they sought to exclude me.

Why don't you just say up front, "Do not bother to apply if you have the following medical conditions and then I will not waste my time and yours?" Why go through the motions of pretending like you might actually take me and get my hopes up? Why do that? Why waste several days of my time on the Internet application, taking to an agent on the phone, filling out more paperwork online and going round and round for three days, receiving email after email only to get a thick eight page letter on heavy bound paper telling me, "Seriously? You actually thought we would sell YOU insurance? Ha ha ha ha ha! That is laughable. No one who has Bipolar gets insurance. Ever. Go away now. Crawl back under the rock from which you came."

Do I feel like giving up? Yes.

Society tells me:

(1) Go see a psychiatrist. That cost $450 for the first intake diagnosis appointment. It is not cheap. It $200 for every 20 minute medication management appointment after that. I am supposed to go every two weeks. That is $400 a month. If I start skipping appointments my doctor will not refill my prescriptions as a way to force me to come into his office. No appointment = no refills. I must see the doctor face to face if I want my refills. That is how the system works. There are no automatic phone in refills like with a regular doctor. Not in psychiatry. You must show your face to the doctor and get charged for it.

(2) Take your medication. Last year I spent $10,000 on medication alone in 2010. I do not know my expenses in 2011 as I have not added them up yet. I made $14,400 in disability in 2010 and 2011. My credit cards are maxed out and the credit card companies have lowed my levels. I have no wiggle room. I have no ability to pay. What am I supposed to do? This is the rate I paid with a primary private insurance and Medicaid as secondary insurance and third supplemental insurance from the pharmacy. Yes, I still paid $10,000. How many people can afford to pay $10,000 per year on medication on a regular salary let alone on disability? Not many.

(3) Do your lab work. Lithium for Bipolar causes me to need lab work every 3-4 months per year. Lithium kills the Thyroid Gland. Mine is already dead. It was killed 18 months after I started Lithium. My Thyroid Gland was scarified at the alter of the Bipolar God. Who cares if the Thyroid Gland dies? It only regulates the mood, the metabolism and keeps you alive. We can fix it with medication. Expensive medication, but we can help you and keep you alive. What dies after the Thyroid Gland? The Liver and Kidneys. They are up next and then I end up on the Liver and Kidney Donor Transplant List courtesy of Lithium. I always say, "Lithium is killing me one internal organ at a time. I am slowing dying inside because of Lithium."

I have to run lab work for my psychiatrist 3-4 times a year to make sure my Liver and Kidneys are not dying just like my Thyroid Gland did. Cost $400 per run 3-4x per year

I have to run extensive labs on my Thyroid medicine functioning to make sure it is high enough and not dipping down. This is to make sure my medication is optimal and doesn't need to be adjusted. Too much medication and I will become very ill. Too little T3 and I will become extremely ill requiring hospitalization and could die. Cost of labs $500-$700 run 3-4x per year

(4) Go to get a yearly physical. Make sure nothing else is wrong with you.
This requires a doctor appointment and blood draw for labs.
Doctor appointment $250 per year
Labs $1,500 per year

(5) My Endocrinologist doctor. I have an endocrinologist doctor to take care of me for my Thyroid Gland which was killed as a result of taking Lithium for Bipolar Disorder. Once the Thyroid is dead...it is dead and can not be brought back to life. It serves many functions and controls many things inside the brain. The Thyroid Gland controls multiple other regions of the brain so when the Thyroid fails those regions fail also such as the Pituitary Gland and sevens others. The Thyroid controls mood which is why we see mood disorders in people who have Thyroid Disease and it controls metabolism. You ultimately die if your Thyroid is left untreated.

I must see my endocrinologist doctor a minimum of four times a year, but if I am not feeling well I can see her eight times a year. It just depends on how my health is doing and if my dosage needs to be changed.

Doctor appointment 4-8x a year $285 per appointment

Plus the labs she requires me to run and then I must come back when my labs are done to talk to her about my labs. I see her, she orders the labs and I come back to discuss the labs. It is expensive.

I try to do the right thing as per what society expects of me. I try to conform, but when I can not obtain health insurance to cover my doctors I don't know how I can make that happen. How can the health insurance companies discriminate against me when I am willing to get help, willing to see a doctor, willing to take medicine, willing to conform, willing to listen, willing to follow medical orders, willing to fall into line, willing to be the nail that is hammered down, willing to conform in every way and do what I am supposed to do. Health insurance doesn't make it so that I can do that.

My present health insurance company canceled my Behavioral Health coverage shortly after I was diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder. They took it away. No more therapy sessions allowed. No more psychiatric hospital stays for me. So, each time I have collapsed and needed to enter a psychiatric hospital I have said, "No way!" because the state hospital tried to keep me for two years and planned to ask the judge if they could keep me for tens once the two years was up. I was fortunate the judge said, No.

I went looking for a new insurance that would cover my psychiatrist and hit a brick wall. How am I supposed to comply with what society wants me to do when my health insurance keeps canceling my benefits I need and other companies refuse to insure me at all? How am I supposed to comply with what society wants when I am not afford to do so? I don't have the money to pay for everything. I am choosing my physical health over my mental health because I have to make a choice and frankly...physical health is what I will choose to give up last as it means certain death. Give up my mental health means I will kill myself later, but isn't like anyone in my family really gives a shit anyway. So, who cares?

If I killed myself it would simply be chalked up to the family tradition. What can you do about family tradition? Oh well? Shit happens.

My letter from my insurance company in part read:

Dear _______:

At ________ we offer full and fair consideration for our applicants.

In keeping with mission, every application for our individual enrollment plans/policies is given a thorough review before determining eligibility. This involves comparing past and present health status with established medical underwriting guidelines.

Some medical conditions, either alone or in combination with the cost of medication, present uncertain medical underwriting risks. In view of these risks we are unable to offer you enrollment at this time. Our decision was based on the following health history:

Medical History:
Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder (I have Bipolar so they will not insure me under any circumstances.)

Use of:
Coumadin, Lithium, Risperdal, Zyprexa, Wafarin or Spiriva (I take Lithium so this puts me out of the running.)

Applicants with the above health history are ineligible for enrollment in any of our medically underwritten health insurance policies.

Enrollment is only available to applicants who meet our medical underwriting guidelines. Since you do not meet these guidelines, we will not enroll you in ______ company plan you selected.

At the bottom of the page is says in all caps, "WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS?"

1. Reconsideration
You must be symptom, medication and sign free for a time period specified.

I would have to go off my Bipolar medication in order be eligible to reapply for this insurance company and I would have to be symptom free of Bipolar for however many years they set forth. This is not likely to happen. Bipolar does not spontaneous combust and disappear. Once you have Bipolar you have it for good, so this idea of reconsideration is a joke and not ever going to happen. It is eye wash and put on the paper to make them look good. It makes them appear as if they truly are fair and reasonable when they are not.

2. California Major Risk Program
You only qualify for this if you do not qualify for Medicare. Because I qualify for Medicare I do not qualify for the California program. I am ineligible.
Can not qualify to purchase COBRA or CAL-COBRA coverage.

3. California Pre-Existing Condition Insurance Plan (PCIP) for Ineligible Applicants
The California PCIP is a federal program that offers health coverage to Californians who are medically-uninsurable because of their pre-existing medical conditions. (Schizophrenia and Bipolar being examples) This program is available for individuals who did not have health coverage in the prior six (6) months.

This means I would have to drop my current very exxpensive health coverage in the hopes that maybe, just maybe the PCIP would cover me and maybe, just maybe my doctors would accept the insurance. I doubt any of my doctors would accept it. I would have six months of no insurance, super high medical bills as I paid cash for everything and then my current health insurance company would not accept me back.

My current health insurance company insured me BEFORE I was diagnosed as having Bipolar. After I was diagnosed is when they canceled my coverage for behavior health and I lost my psychiatrist hospital stay coverage, psychiatrist coverage and therapist coverage. They pulled the plug on all of it. I get coverage for my regular doctors, but nothing to not with behavioral health or mental health. No way. They will not cover it.

The woman who does the insurance at my psychiatrist's office told me to apply for new health insurance as changes had taken place due to the federal healthcare reform act. Apparently, no one told insurance companies they must cover the mentally ill.

I try to do the right thing. I try to conform how society wants me to conform, but how can I when I can't get insurance to pay for everything I need to stay healthy? What am I supposed to do? I am denied insurance. Doctors do not accept Medicaid or Medicare. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to live?

Off medication I make suicide attempts, collapse and end up in the hospital. It is only a matter of time before I plot my next attempt. It only takes an average of seven attempts before you are successful. I've already made two.

Is it more efficient to force me to go off my medications, have break downs, end up in the state hospital where the tax payers of California pay for my stay because no insurance company will insure me? Or is it more efficient to keep me on meds, have me continue seeing my doctors, keep me out of the state hospital, prevent a break down, prevent a suicide attempt, prevent a trip to the ER when I do attempt suicide? Which makes more sense? I think giving me afford insurance to cover my psychiatrist, my medications and a psychiatric stay if I need one is a better idea. But that is just me.

I don't know. The system doesn't seem to make any sense to me. Telling me, "You can't have any insurance for at least six months to qualify for some broke ass federally sponsored insurance" seems like it is no option at all. Someone in Washington, DC who HAS insurance thought this was a good idea? Seriously?

Insurance companies only want to sell you health insurance when you are healthy and they want to take it away when you become unhealthy and need their services.

All this talk about health insurance reform in Washington DC and I don't think people are thinking about how it impacts the mentally ill population. I don't think anyone is thinking about how we are struggling to pay our medical bills, medication bills, lab fees, doctor office visits and it is tough to afford taking care of yourself.

I watch what I eat and drink. I don't take illegal drugs. I don't drink coffee, soda or tea. I take vitamins and minerals. I see my doctor. I listen to my doctor. I do what my doctors tell me to do. I am a compliant patient. I take very little medication, but that is not good enough. I don't even take expensive medication. I am still rejected because I have Bipolar Disorder and take generic Lithium. You have got to be kidding me.

Diabetics, people who take expensive high blood pressure medication, expensive high cholesterol medication and an assortment of other ailments can all get insurance, but I can not.

The whole things sure looks and feels discriminatory to me, but I am powerless to stop it. I have no power to prevent it. I have no power to sue them and teach them a lesson.

In my perfect world a group of attorneys would bring a class action lawsuit on be half of us mentally ill patients against the insurance companies and force them to cover us. In my perfect world that is what would happen. I think the private sector attorneys will have to be the ones to make that happen as Washington DC has forgotten about me.

Mental Illness and Fundamental Evangical Born Again Christian Bible Thumpers

2011-12-12T01:09:00.001-08:00

My parents converted to Evangelical, Pentecostal, Born Again Christianity, Bible Thumpers, Holier Than Thou, I am better than you, I am going to heaven and you are going to hell when I was nine years old.

I grew up getting my ass handed to me on platter on a pretty consistent basis. My father used to whip me with electrical cords he ripped out table lamps in a fit of rage. He would snatch up the lamp, grab the electrical cord and yank it out the wall. Then he would give the electrical cord a good tug until it came loose from the bottom of the table lamp. He would drop the table lamp on the floor, wrap the cord around his fist, reach out to grab my head and turn my back to him. I was too young at five and six years old to understand, RUN! Run like the wind. He would let fly with that electrical cord and whip me while I stood there screaming and wailing for him to stop. He never stopped until my mom said to him, "You must stop. The neighbors can hear. They will gossip. What is the cops come and take her away? Then everyone in town will gossip about us." She never said he should stop to spare me. She said it to spare them the gossip. I had welts on my arms, back, legs and stomach from the cord wrapped around my back and the plug struck my stomach. My mom was concerned about how to send me to school with all the marks and welts on me so...she kept me home. I was not allowed to go to school, go out of the house, to friend's houses, go out to play, etc. I was kept in the house when I had marks on my face or huge welts on my body from being whipped.

Later my father switched to whipping me with a three inch wide leather belt with a wide belt buckle with the buckle end out. I still got welts from the big belt buckle. My mom got worried as a social worker was sniffing around and she didn't want to end up in front of the judge trying to explain herself. Again, she begged my dad to stop whipping me so I would not be taken away from them and they would not be subjected to small town Midwest gossip and the judge's wrath.

When my parents converted to Born Again Nut Job Christianity they used it as an excuse to beat me more rather than less. They told me and my siblings, "We must beat the Devil out of you. You have the devil in you." If we dragged our feet doing our homework that was the Devil in us and hence we were beaten or more specifically, I was beaten because it was my job to make sure my younger siblings did their homework. If my siblings were angry at me they did not do their homework or brought home low grades knowing full well I would be beaten. If we did not do our household chores fast enough that was cause for a real bad thrashing that would cause us to be held back from school due to bruising.

If I was disobedient my parents beat me saying things like, "Devil out! Devil be gone! Devil leave this child!" while they beat the hell out of me. They truly believed I was possessed and "a demon child." It was like something out of a horror movie only it was real. If you would have seen it you would have thought you were seeing a Damien type of film, but instead it was real life.

My parents did multiple exorcisms on me. They held a stainless steel bowl under my chin for me to throw up the Devil into the bowl. They were convinced I would vomit the devil into the bowl if they just prayed hard enough, but I never vomited much to their disappointment. My failure to vomit caused them to cement their belief that I truly was the demon seed child in the family and no good.

They put the sign of the cross on my forehead in olive oil. They prayed over me for hours and hours and hours. They insisted the Devil would come out if they just prayed hard enough and I would be free of his influence. I sat their glaring at them never saying a word. My brother says the look on my face said if looks could kill...you would be dead. He said, "I can't believe they looked at your furious, hurt face and never stopped. They just kept it up." They believed what they were doing was right and that I was the Demon Child. They believed they were saving me. Today they believe they failed to save me and I grew up to be the Demon Adult who is now ill with Bipolar Disorder because I have the Devil in me. It makes logical sense to them.

How did my parents react when I told them I have Bipolar II Disorder? They went back to, "You have the Devil in you and this is why you are mentally ill. If you would just turn your life over to Jesus and accept him as your Lord and savior you would healed. You would be "normal." You would be just fine. Take Jesus into your heart and he will make everything alright." The rest of what they say sounds like blah, blah, blah, blah because I stop listening and walk away. I tune it out. There is nothing they can say that is new to me, so I just stop listening. They never say anything new to me. It is always the same. I hope for something new, but nothing new ever comes out of their mouths. It is the same old, same old.

The first time they said, "You are mentally ill because you have the Devil in you," I blew up. I called them ignorant, backward, back wood, uneducated, intolerant, Bible thumping retarded fools. That did not even make them slow down one second. They kept right on going insulting me at a full clip and telling me how I was "defective" due to being possessed by the Devil. I'm defective? Let me get this straight. Your dumb ass abused me from day one. You were child abusers verbally, emotionally and physically and I am defective?

Then let's throw in all the weird sexual bullshit that comes with Born Again men and you want to call ME defective? Yeah, my sister and I beg to differ. Here's the thing about sexually repressed, tightly wound, tightly controlled men...their ordinary sexuality gets filtered through a sexually repressed weird religion and then you throw in a cold ass, sexually repressed, shrew of a wife who denies them sex, but has an affair with another man and you get a rather bizarre, inappropriate man acting out in inappropriate ways towards his own daughters. Those daughters must carry that burden of what happened to them as little girls and teenage girls the rest of their lives. Was that a situation of "Jesus is love?" I think not. Sexual molestation and sexualization of your children is inappropriate and not a loving act. My mom sexualized my brothers. My dad went after me and my sister. Is that an example of God is love? If so...I don't want anything to do with God. That is just sick.

My mother sexualized my one brother to the point of he doesn't like to be around her even to this day. He feels uncomfortable around her because of what she did to him. He turns white as a sheet at Thanksgiving time and Christmas when she goes to hug him. He looks like he will throw up and lose his dinner.

My mother used to beat us to a bloody pulp. She broke a ping pong paddle in half over my ass. You have to strike someone pretty darn hard to break a ping pong paddle in half length-wise. She used to break things in half when beating me and have to go buy a new one.

She used to pull my hair out not by the roots, but by the scalp and the show me my bloody scalp as a trophy. I had quarter to fifty cent size patches of scalp missing on my head at any one time. The good news is the skin grows shut over the hole and the hair fills in, but you are left with a bloody hole in your scalp where your skin was pulled out by your mom. It was very disgusting to say the least. I thought it was more bloody and gross than it was painful because I have a freakishly high threshold to pain per what doctors tell me. I am fortunate that way. It allowed me to endure a lot more pain than a normal person that is for sure.

I have a hard time reconciling in my brain that my parents in this day of science, scientific achievement and age of reason honestly believe all mental illnesses are caused by demon possession and nothing else, but it is what they honestly believe. It is like something from 600 years ago to think that way, but no matter what evidence I present to them to show them scientific or medical data they will NOT accept as it as Jesus tells them mental illness come from the Devil. Where in the Bible does it say, "Jesus said, 'Mental is caused by demon possession.'"? Where? I have never heard that before except when it came out of the mouth of my parents.

My parents are on medications for high blood pressure, high cholesterol and heart disease. If my mental illness is from the Devil why is their physical illness also not from the Devil? Why can you not go to your church and ask Jesus to heal you so you no longer need any medication? Where is your Jesus now? Why is every person in your church on some sort of medication? Where is Jesus? Where is God? Why have they abandoned you? If your religion is so great why must you take medication, become sick, have a heart attack and die just like everyone else? Where is your special treatment? My mom had no reply to what I said.

Christians say they will go to the kingdom of heaven upon death. My parents quake in their boots just considering the thought of death. They are terrified. Their religion gives them NO comfort whatsoever. What good is your religion if it provides zero comfort? Why follow it? What is the point? Religion is supposed to make you feel better not worse, but they feel worse. They are the most terrified people I know. They live in constant fear. As a consequence of this constant fear they strike out at everyone around them. Their families do not want to speak to them as they are bitter, angry and broken. Their siblings don't talk to them. Their friends eventually are unavailable and fade away into the darkness. Everyone puts distance between themselves and my parents because my parents are judgmental, mean, bitter, angry, vindictive, self-centered, self-absorbed, vicious, snarky, sarcastic, rude, caustic, abrasive, aggressive, narcissistic and prone to rude, mean sarcastic remarks that they consider to be funny, but no one else thinks is funny. This summer a family member told my dad he was mean and my dad laughed about it for months. He took it as a compliment rather than taking it as disapproval. He completely missed the point of why his beloved nephew told him, "You are mean! You are really mean! You are not a nice person." He thought it was hi-lar-i-ous. He laughed so hard...he cried when he told every person the story. I didn't think it was funny or brag worthy, but he did. That shows you how twisted, fucked up things are in the mind of my father. He brags about being called "mean" by his favorite nephew.

I think it is unbelievable that two totally screwed up, mean as rattlesnakes people would dare say to me, "You are mentally ill because you have the Devil in you." What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously! What the fuck is wrong with you? Pull your head out of your ass!

My mom asked me one time, "Why have you turned your back on the church?"
I replied, "Mom, you did not show me God is love. You showed me God is HATE. God is pissed off, moody, on the rag and out to hurt people. You didn't show me anything good. You showed me nothing but harsh ugliness and cruelness. Of course I turned away from the church."

Did she buy a freaking clue that child abuse, abandonment in favor of going to church all the time so leave your kids at home with no food, weird sexual shit, verbal abuse (yeah, telling me you never wanted me and would have aborted me had abortion been legal makes me feel real loved. telling me how I ruined your life by being born makes me feel loved. not hardly) The emotional manipulation and battering I took that is too involved to list here, but you get a flavor for it. None of this made me feel like God or Jesus is love. If anything I grew up thinking, "Wow, Born Agains really beat the hell out of their kids and hide it well from the schools, cops and social workers. They are devious, intimidating mother fuckers."

My mom was quite startled by my replied and struck speechless. Ha. Cat got your tongue? She knew what I meant. I did not mean church. I meant at home. She turned three shades of purple, turned on her heel, walked away and didn't say a word. The church didn't do a damn thing when I showed up at Sunday school beaten and battered. Instead the Sunday school teacher got into arguments with my mother over the things I was repeating in class that I had heard in the home. Did they buy a clue in the church that things were wrong and help me and my siblings? No. My parents were big contributors to the church and you do not mess with a big contributor. My family was well known, in the media eye and well connected all the way to the White House. You do not mess with a person who has political connections to former US Presidents, US Congressmen, state and federal Congressmen, local politicians, professional athletes, well known musicians, actors and other celebrities. It was a who's who of Hollywood, professional sports, the music industry and politics. No one would mess with my father. He was too connected. Not even the police messed with my dad. My dad was intimidating with a hair trigger temper and no one, but no one, took him on. People were afraid of him. My dad was powerful and people got out of his way.

My mom used to call me and tell me, "You are going to hell. Repent. Give your life over to Jesus."
I would reply, "Mom, that is cool. I will not be alone. I will see you there."
She hung up on me. She stopped doing it though. I never get those calls anymore. She did it about three of four times and then she stopped. My siblings told me they never got those calls because I was the first stop. If she would have succeeded with me she would have proceeded to call my siblings, but because I stopped her in her tracks she did not call them. Only I got the calls and I stopped my mother in her path. My siblings thanked me for stopping her as it meant they didn't have to hear her as well.

Every year I ask my mom, "Mom, do you still believe I am sick with Bipolar Disorder because I have the Devil in me?"
She always replies, "Yes. If you would only get your life right with God, turn your life over to Jesus and be saved you would be free of the demons. You would be cured."
This is despite me showing her scientific evidence to the contrary all year long. I show her so far the CDC and NIMH has found eight (8) genes linked to Bipolar and since it runs in my father's family most likely I have the genetic form of Bipolar. The CDC and NIMH is on the hunt for more genes and they anticipate finding approximately 20 more genes and possibly more. Does she believe Bipolar is caused by a genetic mutation that has been passed through my family for many generations? No. My father says this is what happened when I first told him I was ill, but once he recovered from the shock he went back to I have the Devil in me.

No matter what scientific evidence I show her she will not get off the demon idea. Science schmience. Who needs science when you have God to explain everything? My parents truly are backward people with a fucked up hillbilly mentality, but that is insulting to hillbillies.

My parents believe only the people who attend their tiny church are truly "saved" and going to heaven. Everyone else on earth is doomed to hell. Isn't that something? That includes other Christians and other Born Agains. LOL What jack asses. If you do not go to their tiny church of 200 people you are doomed to hell. Think about all the people on this planet who are going to burn in hell according to my parents. I have told my mom, "Imagine how surprised you will be when you die and find out there is no heaven. There is no hell. Your religion was wrong. I already died. I went to another place. I saw there was no heaven. I saw there was no hell. I went to another place. You will be surprised when you end up there."

My parents think they are so much better than everyone else. Now they are both showing signs of Early Onset Alzheimer's. Due to the fact they abused all four of their children none of us are willing to care for them as the disease advances. I have no idea what will become of them. They will have to go into some sort of long term care facility as none of us are willing to help them after what they did to us. My parents who terrorized us are becoming more and more like helpless children every day. I watch the change of events and I can't help, but laugh and think...ha, what comes around, goes around. Now you depend on us and we will turn our backs on you. Lots of luck to you. You will need it. My siblings and I have been arguing about who will be responsible for their care. None of us will do it, so it is agreed they will go to a facility. It is also agreed the facility will not be a nice one,, but rather a facility that is dirty, has a bad reputation for staff beating the patients, neglecting the patients and a stack of state complaints. We will look for the worst facility we can find. That is where they will go. Only the worst for mom and dad! It is what they deserve after how they terrorized their children, choked out their three year old grandchild and continue to harbor resentment toward me because I was born. That isn't my fault! I wasn't even there!

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

2011-12-06T17:50:00.000-08:00

I have been sick with another round of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome...again. This time it is very severe. It is just bad as when I was first diagnosed in 2007. I am exhausted. I feel like I owe a loan shark money and they sent over some guys to beat me with baseball bats. My muscles ache. My joints ache.

I have headaches that feel like eighteen people are surrounding me and stabbing me in the head with two foot long glass shards that are penetrating my skull and going into my brain. The pain is excruciating. No aspirin, no over the counter pain reliever and no prescription migraine medication relieves the pain. The headaches can be so intense I get blurry vision. Something seems to press on my ocular nerve to produce the blurry vision during these blinding headaches.

The fatigue is so substantial I can fall asleep standing up on my feet and fall over and do a face plant when I hit the ground. So far I have not broken anything. I can fall asleep sitting up, fall over and do a face plant on my bed, the sofa, a chair or whatever and wake up hours later with my face buried in the fabric of my bed, a chair or a sofa. I do not wake up when my face hits the surface. I have fallen asleep at red lights. I am in the habit of putting my car in park so I do not roll into the car in front of me and hit them. I fall asleep and the car behind me honks when everyone drives away. I wake up. I put the car in drive and drive away. I have fallen asleep on the freeway while driving and woken up due to driving over the Bot Dots and hearing the rip noise they make. Thank goodness someone invented them. they have saved my life more than once. I woke up just in time to avoid crashing my car into a retaining wall. Another time I woke up with my bumper two inches from the center divider after I crossed over four lanes of traffic when I fell asleep. A person honked at me and woke me up just before I hit the center divider. They saved my life.

No matter how much I sleep I do not feel well rested. I always feel exhausted. I can sleep tens hours and my ass is dragging all day long. I can not wake up or function very well. I can sleep eighteen or twenty hours and still feel just as exhausted and feel like I haven't slept at all. I have no relief from my symptoms. I feel just as tired when I wake up as when I went to bed. I feel no relief. I do not feel refreshed.

There is a cognitive affect that is noticeable with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It more or less turns your brain into mushy oatmeal. I become the world's most forgetful person. I don't remember much of anything. I become duh-dumb. My IQ gets a whole lot of points shaved off and there is nothing I can do about it. I am immediately dumbed down when I get sick. I become smart again when I go into remission. This is of course annoying as hell. It is hard to function when I am exhausted and stupid as a tick in a whorehouse. I feel like I am trying to slog through oatmeal and I can't mentally walk through the gooey mess. I get mentally sloooooowed down. It is very frustrating to feel so tired I can barley function, but also feel incredibly stupid like a fried up moronic idiot.

My forgetfulness extends to leaving my car keys in the fridge, the OJ in the cereal cabinet, my car keys in the bathroom soap dish and my handbag kicked under the bed. Needless to say, I can't leave the house. Nothing is where it is supposed to be. It is annoying as all hell. I misplace things all the time and normally I am efficient and organized, but I get sick and everything falls apart.

I am not feeling well enough to do much of anything much less blog. I don't spend much time outside of bed when I am this sick. Usually I am sick for three to four months at a time and then I go into remission for three to six months at time. It can be three months on and three months off Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It just varies and there is not a whole lot of rhyme or reason to it. It is not predictable. 2007 - 2009 were the worst and then things got slightly lighter, but now I seem to have take a step back and it is just as bad as when I first got it in 2007.

There is no cure for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. There is no medication to combat it. There is nothing that can be done for it. The good news is that the CDC (Center for Disease Control) in Atlanta announced this year that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is a real illness, does exist and is not "in the heads" of the patients and is not imaginary. There has been a lot of debate in medical circles as to whether or not Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) is a "real illness" or "all in the head" of the patient. With the announcement from the CDC hopefully this will stop the mocking and insults from doctors when patients say they are ill. Luckily, the doctor who diagnosed me does believe the illness exists and told me this is what is wrong with me. I did not believe him until the illness refused to go away and kept lingering. Then I had to admit the doctor was right and I was wrong.

I bought a book written by a woman who by trial and error cured herself of CFS. Defeat Chronic Fatigue Fatigue Syndrome: You Don't Have to Live it by Martha E. Kilcoyne. Once I feel better I will read the book and see if it helps me. I am hopeful! (some days anyway and other days not so much)

CFS makes me feel deeply depressed and in a lot of ways even more depressed than Bipolar Disorder could ever make me feel. Combine CFS with Bipolar and it is a....well, let's just say it is not good for my lifespan the way I begin to obsess on suicide and feel suicide ideation when I get sick with CFS. It gets pretty bad. It is hard enough to fight the urge against feeling suicidal from Bipolar II Disorder and then throw in CFS and it is really hard for me.

Because the Lymph Glands in my neck swell due to CFS I feel a terrible sore throat that is nonstop pain whether I swallow or not, whether I eat or not, whether I drink or not....it doesn't matter. It hurts all the time. The pain radiates out into my ears so there is a circle around my ears that is painful to the touch and at all times leaves me in pain. All this pain causes me to feel grouchy to say the least. I don't feel good so I get into a bad mood. I am not exactly Susie Sunshine when I am sick. I admit it. I can be grouchy and a tad bit touchy when I get this sick. I just don't feel good and that makes me not feel very sociable. I feel like I would be able to take being sick if my neck and ears were removed so all that pain in and around my neck and ears were taken away...I could deal with it better.

So, I am down for the count right now. I am been sick for over a month. I will be sick for another couple of months. I won't be posting anything while I am sick. That is where things stand. I am really taken by surprise that I am this sick. I expected the CFS to get lighter and lighter instead I have gone back to being as severely sick as I was when i first became ill in 2007. This is unexpected.

Update:

The CFS is affecting my state of mind. I sink down into a deep, dark hole of a depression that is worse that Bipolar. I am experiencing suicidal ideation worse than I experience when I have Bipolar Disorder alone. I am highly suicidal and really battling to keep my nose above water, but my normal meds are not working. I feel as if I am not on meds at all when CFS hits. All I can think about is hurting myself and ways in which to kill myself. I am obsessing about suicide. It is really hard right now. I am trying to hang in there until the CFS passes and my mood will lift, but it is rough going right. Every day is a struggle. I rarely get out of bed. I don't see anyone. I don't talk to anyone. I am completely isolated.

A Little About: Food, Diet, Food Addiction and Bipolar Disorder

2011-11-02T05:41:00.000-07:00

It is well known that if you have Bipolar Disorder you are supposed to follow the Bipolar Diet. Limit the amount of sugar you take in as sugar causes a spike in your insulin levels and can send you into a cycling episode when your energy gets unstable. Included with this is: white refined sugar (table sugar), high fructose corn syrup (sweetener used in sugary drinks such as sodas, used in many foods. Check your food labels and you will be surprised how prevalent this sweetener is in your diet. It is most processed foods until they are a zero calorie item.) Ketchup has more sugar than a candy bar. No wonder I like it so much!

White refined flour found in white breads such as Wonder Bread, sourdough bread and used in sweet breads such as banana bread and other sweet breads, used to make cakes, cookies, croissants, biscuits, brownies and pretty much any pastry you can dream off. bread, cakes, cookies are made from white refined flour. There is no nutritional value to white refined flour. It is empty calories and little nutrients which is why the mandate came down for white refined flour to begin to add vitamins to their mixes. These vitamins are not naturally occurring.

It is better to eat whole grains instead of white refined flour. Whole wheat pasta is a better choice than regular white pasta. Whole wheat pizza crust is better than the white pizza crust. Whole wheat multi grain bread is better for you. Whole wheat is heartier, fills you up more, has more nutrients than white refined flour and is the recommended diet to follow if you have Major Depression / Clinical Depression / Unipolar Depression and/ Bipolar Disorder. Whole wheat keeps your insulin level more stable and therefore you are less likely to have an energy spike in your insulin and fall into a depression.

Keeping the blood sugar level on an even keel keeps the patient on an even keel.

Consumption of high fructose corn syrup should be closely monitored. It is hard to eat prepared foods without consuming high fructose corn syrup. But one thing that can be done is giving up sodas. Giving up soda rids the body of the addictive sweetener that causes blood sugar spikes and Bipolar cycling. It also get rid of caffeine which also tends to cause energy spikes and then the person starts to cycle.

More and more research is coming out to show that the people who have Major Depression or Bipolar Disorder need to change their diet.

1. Eliminate fatty foods (no more bacon. no more prime rib. no more hamburgers or cheese burgers. no more fatty cuts of meat. this is hard for me. I like In N Out Burger.)
2. Eliminate fried foods (fried chicken. bake it or broil it instead of frying)
3. Eliminate deep fried foods (french fries, zucchini strips, fried mozzarella, toquitos, noodles on Chinese chicken salad, top ramen noodles, deep fried calamari, etc.)
4. Eliminate caffeine (get rid of energy drinks like Rock Star or Red Bull. Cut out coffee. Cut out soda. Cut out tea. this is hard for me. I like my tea!)
5. Eliminate white refined sugar. (this is hard as it is in practically everything that is prepared, prepackaged and sold in the market. pasta sauces are high in sugar. salad dressings are high in sugar. juices can have added sugar. it is in most things. making your own homemade food is the only route to good health.)
6. Eliminate sugary snacks that contain high fructose corn syrup. (this has been show to be addictive and once you start eating high fructose corn syrup you want more and more. this is why people gain weight.)

Some new studies have come out saying that food is addictive, but the food industry will not admit to it. Like they are going to say, "Yeah, well legally sell a substance just as addictive as crack and cocaine and we can we can legally sell it in markets and convenience stores." Like they would admit to it?

Some information:
This is not exhaustive. It is just what I stumbled across very recently.
Some links for further reading.

Yale Study on Food Addiction

Yale Food Addiction Scale

Bloomberg.com Nov 2, 2011 Fatty Foods Addictive as Cocaine

washingtonpost.com April 4, 2011 Yale Study Probes Food Addiction

webmd.com Bipolar Disorder Guide / Bipolar Diet Foods to Avoid

As much as I hate to admit it and I want to be lazy....diet, nutrition, vitamins, supplements they all matter and make a difference in my quality of life. I was rebellious at first and didn't want to believe that I must change my diet if I wanted relief from Bipolar. But I feel a difference when I modify my diet to "eat closer to the ground" than I do when I eat highly processed foods. Eating fresh fruits and veggies instead of anything from a can, jar or box makes me feel better. Frozen fruits and veggies are OK if they are flash frozen and have no additives, dyes, food colorings or preservatives. Canned peaches, canned mandarin oranges, etc. contain too much added sugar so they should be avoided.

Cooking at home, from scratch with fresh ingredients is the way to go for good health physically, mentally and emotionally. Cooking at home allows you to control the fat content of your meal, the sugar content, salt content (important to Lithium users), and to avoid white refined flour as you can choose your own flour from a health food store instead of all purpose white refined flour.

If you have a gluten allergy there are products you can eat in place of wheat products. Some pizza places sell gluten free pizzas. More sandwiches places are offering a gluten free menu.

I like bread, muffins, torillas, English muffins from Food For Life as they make Ezekiel 4:9 products that are made from sprouted grains instead of the whole grain. I have a gluten intolerance so I can eat Ezekiel 4:9 products. The breads are hearty, preservative free, dye free, artificial coloring free and pretty all natural. The breads are mostly protein instead of carbs and heavy in Amino Acids which we need for cellular repair, cellular maintenance, cell division and for the good health of our cells so they divide properly and nothing goes wrong. I feel good and strong and healthy when I eat Ezekiel 4:9 bread. Since it has no preservatives it will expire pretty quickly and go moldy if left out on the kitchen counter or in a bread box and you don't eat it fast enough. I freeze what I do not use to prevent it from going off.

FoodForLife.com

I like the gluten free Ezekiel 4:9 products. I do not like the Genesis 1:39 products. Those aren't as good.

I plow through the Ezekiel 4:9 bread making toast, eating sandwiches, grilled cheese sandwiches on the George Foreman grill, etc. It also makes good stuffing at Thanksgiving time. Ezekiel 4:9 bread makes for very flavorful sage dressing for Thanksgiving and Christmas time.

There is a store finder feature on the Food For Life website that lets you find the store near you that sells their products. I really like their stuff. I eat the cinnamon raisin bread for breakfast. It is really yummy!

Akathisia and Tardive Dyskinesia side effects of Bipolar Medications and Treatment with Vitamin E

2011-10-17T18:03:00.000-07:00

I have Akathisia due to taking Abilify and Zyprexa. Abilify started the problem and Zyprexa cemented it. Akathisia is central nervous system damage brought about my medications such as Abilify and Zyprexa. There are a number of medications on the market that cause Akathisia.

My Akathisia manifests as rocking. I rock when I am seated and there is no back to my chair or I sit on the edge of the sofa or chair so there is no back behind me. I also rock when I sit on my bed cross legged to watch TV or use my computer. There is nothing behind my back so I rock. When I stand up Akathisia shows up as bouncing of my feet or knees, shaking of my legs, rolling of the feet on the balls of the feet in a circle, shaking my feet and legs back and forth while balanced on the ball of my foot.

I do not notice what I doing until someone grabs me to still me or tells me, "Stop that." It is not something I think about, nor am I aware I am doing it. On days when I notice it is bad I don't like to leave the house because I don't want to be stared at. This makes it limiting to my life and my movements.

I talked to my new psychiatrist about it and he told me that he wrote a paper in college about how Vitamin E is helpful in calming the nerves and calming nerve damage. He explained to me that I have central system damage and this is why I bounce and rock. He said, "Start taking a lose dose of Vitamin E since you are so sensitive. See what it does for you." I have been taking one 400 IU USP Softgel of Vitamin E daily. I have been on it for about 2-3 weeks now and it has calmed my Akathisia a great deal. My doctor wrote a paper about the use of 1,200 IU per day of Vitamin E to calm the effects of nerve damage so I can go higher in my dose if I like and suffer no ill effects.

My arc when I rock is smaller. My pace of rocking is much slower. I rock less often. The frequency is down and the speed is down.

I am surprised it really worked. I gave it a try, but I was skeptical. The solution seemed too easy to be real, but it does work. I believe if it works for Akarhisia it will work for Tardive Dysinesia as both are caused my central nervous system damage from Bipolar Disorder medications.

Antipscyhotics are a common cause of Akathisia. Latuda a drug for Schizophrenia, but my new doctor has given to me for its sedating effects to put me to sleep causes Akathisia.

Definitions:

Akathisia:
Medterms.com Akathisia Definition Link

A movement disorder characterized by a feeling of inner restlessness and a compelling need to be in constant motion as well as by actions such as rocking while standing or sitting, lifting the feet as if marching on the spot and crossing and uncrossing the legs while sitting. People with akathisia are unable to sit or keep still, complain of restlessness, fidget, rock from foot to foot, and pace.

Akathisia is often a side effect of certain drugs. The drugs that can cause akathisia include neuroleptic (antipsychotic) agents, serotonin receptor antagonists, lithium, L-dopa,, calcium channel blockers and phenothiazine antiemetics such as prochlorperazine or metoclopropamide. Also spelled acathisia. From the Greek a- + kathisis, a sitting.

Tardive dyskinesia:
Medterms.com Tardive Dyskinesia Link

A neurological syndrome characterized by repetitive, involuntary, purposeless movements caused by the long-term use of certain drugs called neuroleptics used for psychiatric, gastrointestinal and neurological disorders such as Parkinson's disease and Bipolar Bisorder.

Features may include grimacing, tongue protrusion, lip smacking, puckering and pursing, and rapid eye blinking. Rapid movements of the arms, legs, and trunk may also occur. Impaired movements of the fingers may appear as though the patient is playing an invisible guitar or piano. The incidence of the syndrome rises with the dose and duration of drug treatment. The treatment of tardive dyskinesis is usually to stop or minimize the use of the offending drug. However, for some patients with a severe underlying condition this may not be a feasible option. Replacing the offending drug with substitute drugs may help. Other drugs such as benzodiazepines, adrenergic antagonists, and dopamine agonists may also be beneficial. In an individual case, the symptoms of tardive dyskinesia may remain long after discontinuation of the offending drug or the symptoms may improve or disappear with time.

Vitamin E:
Medterms.com Vitamin E Definition Link
Alpha-tocopherol, an antioxidant vitamin which binds oxygen free radicals that can cause tissue damage. Deficiency of vitamin E can lead to anemia. Vitamin E may play a possible role in preventing heart disease and cancer of the lung and prostate.

Vitamin E and the heart:
In the Nurses' Health Study involving 80,000 women, subjects who took more vitamin E had a lower rate of heart attacks than those who consumed less vitamin E. However, in the ATBC (Alpha-Tocopherol Beta-Carotene Cancer Prevention) trial, men with known coronary artery disease given 50 mg of a synthetic vitamin E had no reduction in fatal heart attacks as compared with men given a placebo.
In the CHAOS (Cambridge Heart Antioxidant Study) trial, patients with known coronary artery disease were given natural vitamin E or a placebo. The dose of vitamin E used (400-800IU) in this trial was 13 to 26 times greater than the RDA, and much higher than the ATBC cancer prevention trial. The vitamin E treated group experienced fewer heart attacks than the placebo group after one year of treatment.

Vitamin E and the prevention of lung cancer:
Damage to DNA from free radicals can, it is thought, lead to the development of cancers. However, randomized, prospective, placebo-controlled trials involving antioxidant vitamins have generally yielded disappointing results. In the ATBC cancer prevention study, vitamin E was shown not to be beneficial in preventing lung cancers.

Vitamin E and the prevention of prostate cancer:
In the ATBC cancer prevention trial, men given alpha-tocopherol (vitamin E) had a lower incidence of prostate cancer than men given a placebo. The vitamin E-treated group also had significantly lower death rates from prostate cancer. Long-term vitamin E supplementation may thus reduce the incidence of prostate cancer and deaths from this cancer. Other controlled studies will be necessary to confirm these findings.

Vitamin E Overdose

Vitamin D Overdose Link

Vitamin E is a fat soluble vitamin which tends to get accumulated in the tissues of the body. Excess intake of vitamin E supplements leads to vitamin E toxicity. The person may suffer from headache, nausea, weakness, etc. This article provides information on vitamin E overdose.

Vitamin supplement intake is a good way to avoid various deficiencies and disorders. However, an overdose of vitamins can spearhead a different set of problems all together. Vitamin E, a fat soluble vitamin is popular for its antioxidant properties. As an antioxidant, vitamin E inhibits cellular damage by preventing the formation of free radicals, thereby damaging the molecules or atoms which can lead to cellular damage. It also helps keep cancer and heart disease at bay, by preventing free radical formation. Foods containing vitamin E are eggs, meat, milk and leafy vegetables. This vitamin contributes in healing of wounds, in the structure and functioning of the nervous system and protecting the liver from various toxic substances. Eight different types of vitamin E are available, of which the most active type is called alpha-tocopherol. Alpha-tocopherol is available in two different forms: d-alpha-tocopherol (natural form occurring in food) and dl-alpha-tocopherol (manufactured synthetic form). Vitamin E supplements usually contain either one or both types of alpha-tocopherol and are consumed by almost 20% of the US population.

Vitamin E Toxicity

A normal dose of Vitamin E is mostly safe, however, vitamin E overdose can spearhead scores of medical problems in people with medical conditions, such as, bleeding disorders, allergies, etc. People resort to taking vitamin supplements when they want more vitamin E than their daily diet provides. Those with vitamin E deficiency start taking vitamin E supplements on a daily basis. A person requires 15-20 International Units (IU) of vitamin E a day. Experts believe that 100-200 IU of vitamin E is more than necessary for the human body. According to certain studies, people who take a higher vitamin E dosage of more than 400 IU per day, are at a greater risk of death. The reason why this happens is still unknown, so till more information is available, people are advised not to take more than 400 IU of vitamin E. However, several people do not follow the guidelines and take more than the required amount, believing that the extra amount is beneficial.

Symptoms of Vitamin E Overdose

Since vitamin E is a fat soluble vitamin, it gets accumulated in the body, as in the liver, adipose tissue and muscle. Thus, vitamin supplement overdose can be quite dangerous. The symptoms of vitamin E overdose are:

Headache
Fatigue
Nausea
Weakness
Abdominal pain
Diarrhea
Gas
Blurred vision
Higher chances of internal bleeding

Some other signs of vitamin E overdose are slow wound healing, hypertension, severe fatigue, etc. People on blood thinners such as Warfarin should avoid taking these supplements on a daily basis. This is because vitamin E increases the blood thinning function of Warfarin, resulting in increased risk of internal bleeding. Moreover, people with vitamin K deficiency should also consult the doctor before taking vitamin E supplements.

People taking vitamin E supplements on a daily basis, need to drink a full glass of water with each pill. Moreover, if a person misses a dose, he/she should not take a double dose the next day. This is because vitamin E is not eliminated. It is fat soluble and gets stored in the body tissues. Some people may experience an allergic reaction to this vitamin. In case of breathing problems, swelling of the lips, hives, etc. one should immediately stop consumption of the vitamin. It is crucial to consult a doctor before taking the vitamin supplements.

Vitamin D Overdose Written By Priya Johnson

Rainy Day

2011-10-05T14:24:00.000-07:00

Today it is raining and I have a psychiatrist appointment. My appointment was moved up from next week to this week due I am having a hard time on a new sample med, so he wants me to come in early. The sky is gray, the clouds are gray and it is raining non-stop. It rained yesterday and will rain again tomorrow.

I don't mind rain that comes during the night when I am sleeping and stops before I get up as then I do not see it. I don't mind rain that comes during the day when I am stuck at work, school or home and can't go out. I just do not like to drive in rain or be out in rain. I've seen people spin out and do donuts down the length of the freeway right in front of me so I feel a bit paranoid about driving in the rain. It scares me. People are idiots in the rain.

I feel anxious about going to my doctor appointment because it means being out in the rain. I find myself doing things to delay getting ready to go because I feel anxious. I am trying to delay myself so I do not trigger anxiety.

Stress and Anxiety

2011-10-05T13:59:00.000-07:00

It is important to monitor ourselves for stress and anxiety so the stress and anxiety can be cut off as quickly as possible. If we do not monitor our stress or anxiety level we can not tell when the stress or anxiety is excessive and we may get physically, emotionally or mentally ill.

There are stress and anxiety tests that can be taken to determine our level of stress and anxiety. The stress and anxiety tests give us a quantifiable measure our mental and emotional state.

DASS The DASS is a test for Depression Anxiety Stress Scales is a self reporting test to find how severe your stress and anxiety is. It lets you know if your stress is to high and you need to do something about it. It lets you know if your anxiety is at a normal level or excessive.

If there is too much stress in a person's life their health will begin to suffer. They will catch colds, flues and their immune system tends to crash. They get more infections than usual and the infections last longer because the immune system is not fully functioning. Too much stress and anxiety affects the physical health and the mental health. Too much stress and anxiety affects mental illnesses and make it more difficult to deal with them. It is important to control stress and anxiety for good physical and mental health.

Perceived Stress Questionnaire

Perceived Stress Scale: This is a measure of the degree to which you are experiencing stress in your various life situations. The test is taken on the computer and the computer scores your results. The test is only 10 questions.

Stress Cards Stress cards are small business card size cards that are plastic like a credit card. There is a temperature sensor on the card. You put your thumb on the sensor to see if you hand is cool, warm or hot. When we get scared, anxious, stressed out or freaked out our body temperature drops. Cool or cold hands and feet can indicate anxiety, fear, pressure, stress or anger. The cards have instructions on how to chill out, relax and calm down. There are a nice way to get fast feedback on how a person is doing in their stress level. I used to have a Stress Card that I kept in my wallet so I could monitor my stress throughout the day. I would pull it out after my boss yelled at me to check my response to that situation. I would check myself after lunch to see if I was relaxed or still tense due to work situations. I used it so much I wore it out. It was very helpful to me. There are other places to buy a Stress Card. This place has a lot of different kinds and the price is low.

Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale is a scale to measure how much stress a person is under. It is sometimes referred to "The Stress Scale" as it was the first time anyone put weighted values on life event stressors to come up with a total score. It is so commonly used and referred to that most likely you have seen it at some point in your life. It is part of pop culture to know this Stress Scale Test.

Wikipedia Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale

Mindtools Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale electronic scoring test This link has an electronic version of the Holmes Rahe Stress Scale Test. As you check off an event the tests makes a total for you at the bottom of the test. It automatically adds in each event as you select them. I scored at 409 today. Yikes! Below the test is a list of what your score number means.

Professional Life Stress Scale

This stress scale deals with a person's professional life rather than their personal life. We might have stress in our personal life, but not in our professional life. We might have stress in our professional life and not have stress in our personal life. Or we might have stress in both our personal life - and - our professional life.

It is important to find all areas of our life that stress us out and cause us anxiety so we can begin to understand where our stress is generated and find a healthy means of coping with the stress. Overeating, sleeping excessively, gambling sprees, shopping sprees, drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, smoking pot, taking illegal drugs and/or taking prescription drugs not as prescribed to cope is not helpful to us. My coping mechanism has been that I have sex when I am stressed. The more stress I have the more sex I want because sex makes me feel good and it releases my tension. All the chemicals start flowing in my brain and my Hypersexuality eats it up. I feel calmer and happier after I have oh, say, five to eight rounds of sex in a day. It calms my hyper butt down.

In the past I have exercised excessively and put myself into an exercise fatigue (workout fatigue). I worked out lifting weight 2-3 times a day because I was so hyper and looking for relief. I just kept going to the gym in a search for a way to expend my energy in a healthy manner, get relief from my excess energy and calm my mind and body down. I was bouncing off the walls and not sleeping due to too much energy of Hypomania. I had racing thoughts and the only way my mind calmed down was was to fatigue my body by working out hard and then my mind settled down too. Lifting weights was a one-two punch to my Hypomania and racing thoughts problem. My OCD causes me to obsess about working out and go too often. Working out obsessively made me very ill. It took me a good six to nine months to recover. I was so sick I had to go to the doctor. I had to lay off of the workouts while my body healed from so much abuse. Working out three times a week is good for me, but working out three times a day is not good for me. Lesson learned. OCD workouts are not helpful and lead to health problems.

What is helpful for coping with stress?

Coping Techniques:

Yoga! Yoga, is a productive, healthy, helpful way to cope with stress. I took yoga classes through my local Park and Recreation Department. It costs more money to do yoga through a Yoga Studio than if classes are taken through the local Park and Recreation Department, local college or local university physical education department. I compared prices and found yoga was taught locally through numerous city Park and Recreation Departments. I found the city that had times that allowed me to go after work and cost the least amount of money. I went for many, many years. I found it helpful, informative, calming, relaxing, soothing and it brought much peace to my mind as well as gave me a limber body and yoga butt. Yoga helps the mind and the body.

I took a friend of mine to yoga. She was falling apart. Her husband left her for a 19 year old girl. He lost his job and didn't tell her. He went to "work" every day. He put on his suit and tie and left the house saying he was going to work and he did not have a job. The house went into foreclose and she did not know because he hid it from her. The day the bank came to take the house he told her, "The house has been foreclosed. The bank is coming in half an hour. Pack your things. Pack up the kids. I have a new apartment. I am moving out. I have a new 19 year old girlfriend. I am not coming back." Then he walked out and left her standing there stunned by what he said. She was left to pack herself and her two kids and get out of the home she no longer owned. She hadn't worked in almost twenty years. She had to scramble to find a place for herself and her two kids to live. She had to strike a deal with the bank to get her things out of the house. She had to find a job with little computer skills. She was falling apart. I took her to yoga and she walked into a yoga stress ball and she walked out of yoga a limp, wet noodle. Yoga helped her keep her sanity in the midst of her life falling apart. Without yoga she was a basket case. With yoga she could cope.

Meditation! Doing meditation helps to clear the mind of clutter and find answers to complex problems. If I still my mind with meditation it helps me to control the racing thoughts that crowd in and cause clutter. I took a meditation class through my local college extension course offerings. I thought it would be bullshit, but went to try it anyway and found much to my amazement it really does work! Who would have thought? I went in a skeptic and ready to reject the idea only to leave the class thinking, "Holy crap! This stuff works!"

Walking Meditation! A walking meditation is when you do a modified meditation while you walk. The rhythm of the walking helps me to get into the flow of doing a mantra. I say over and over and over to myself various mantras while I walk. I say things like (on the inhale) "I am" (on the exhale) "cool, calm" (on the inhale) "and relaxed." I do this repetitively and I convince my mind to unknot, cool out and relax. I walk at a fast enough clip that if I try to speak I am winded. I breathe in through my mouth and exhale through my nose just like when doing yoga. I pay attention to my breathing to make sure my abdomen is expanding on the inhale to make sure I am breathing deeply.

Yogic Breathing! I lie down and place my hands on my stomach so my thumbs and pointer finger touch around my belly button. I fell the rise and fall of my abdomen as I breathe in and out. When I breathe in I keep breathing in as long as I can and make sure I feel my hands rise from taking in the air. When I breathe out I push my bully button toward my spine to expel all the old air. I squeeze my stomach muscles to push the air out on the exhale. I hesitate approximately three to five second when I inhale to hold the breath. I hesitate approximately three to five seconds after I exhale before I inhale again. If I do not hesitate I breath too quickly and begin to feel dizzy. I breathe in through my mouth and out through my nose. Sometimes I meditate on a single word and repeat that word in my mind. I see it up on a HUGE white board glowing for me to view. I see the word on the inside of my forehead. It is on the inside of my skull where the inner me can view it. The word I choose depends on my mood and what I want to accomplish that day. In the past I have chosen: Joy, Peace, Serenity, Calm, Calmness, Relax, Relaxation, Tranquility, Bliss and positive words like that. These are my most frequent word choices to meditate on.

Yogic breathing helped me when I took SCUBA classes because I did not panic underwater and suck my tank dry like my classmates did. I went into a meditative state so I did not panic underwater and I did yogic breathing. My classmates panicked, either breathed heavily or too shallow and one guy had to be dragged out of the water by the dive master because his panic and shallow breathing caused him to pass out. The dive master dragged him to shore to cool him out and calm him down. Most people were breathing fast and they sucked their tanks dry. I was breathing deeply and slowly so I had most of my tank left and could have dove two more times to their once. The dive masters asked me, "Are you not breathing? Are you holding your breath? Is that why so much of your tank is left when everyone else in the class sucked their dry?" I knew not to hold my breath as then you can burst a lung. I was not about to hold my breath! That was drilled into my head in the classroom with my dive master. Hold your breath = burst your lungs due to the pressure. I said, "No, no, I am breathing. I am doing yogic breathing. I breathe deeply, but slowly. That is why I have no used up my tank." The dive master we impressed and talked about, "I think I need to take yoga. Then I can stay under longer. My tank will last longer like that chick over there. She has most of her tank left!" When I heard the dive masters discussing me in between our dives I knew I was on the right track to do yogic breathing when diving. I just do not hesitate during the breath as that is dangerous when diving. I do the slow deep breath in and out and skip the hesitation portion to avoid bursting a lung. Learning yogic breathing has helped me in more areas of my life than just in yoga class. This is but one example. If I expanded on this this post would be really, really long. Learning yogic breathing has transformed my life.

Daily or Weekly Review! At the end of the day or week if I have something I am trying to accomplish, but I am bogged down or I have a problem that must be solved I do a Daily or Weekly Review. When I get into bed to go to sleep I think to myself, "What went right today?" I want to be clear on that so I do it again. "What went wrong today?" I want to notice so I don't do it again. "How am I progressing toward my goal? Am I on track? Am I behind schedule? Do I need to buckle down and kick it up a notch? Where am I?" If I do a self evaluation I can assess my target and where I am in relation to my target. If I am late I can make adjustments to catch up to my goal. If I do not do a self assessment I get further and further behind without realizing it. Then my stress rises because I am under the gun. If I find I am on time I can relax and lower my stress because I am on schedule. I don't know how to react until I check in with myself. Failure to check in with myself results in missed deadlines, disorganization and stress. I evaluate my professional life and my personal life. I look at my family, friends, boyfriend, boss, coworkers, etc. to see how my relationships are shaping up. "Do I need to call someone to maintain a relationship? Do I need to apologize to someone for something I said or did? Do I need to smooth things over with anyone? Do I need to change something at work to make my boss happier?" I ask myself a lot of questions and deconstruct my day, week and month. I look for patterns in my thinking and behavior so I can stop anything that is tripping me up and not healthy for me. I try to help myself.

It is not easy to do self analysis as I can see myself from my own point of view, but I can not see myself from the point of view of another person. I can go by what they say to me, but other than that I can't tell what they see or experience when they deal with me. So, self reflection is difficult to do. That is why I ask myself so many questions. The questions help me puzzle things out. If I think about a problem without asking myself questions about the problem I can not get very far to solve the problem. I need questions to prod me to see a problem from multiple directions and open up my thinking to new possibilities.

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Today Blogger is acting up. I put in paragraph breaks, but they do not display. I had to put in double breaks to make it show one break. The font was displaying as tiny even though it was set to normal, so I chose to use the large font instead. Hopefully, this post will display correctly. Sorry if the line spacing, paragraph breaks or font seems messed up. I did the best I could.

The Role of Personal Responsibilty and Mental Illness

2011-10-05T10:22:00.000-07:00

I have noticed the trend of people experiencing garden variety depression that turns into Unipolar Depression / Major Depression / Clinical Depression due to they will NOT accept or take any personal responsibility for their own actions or inactions. They chose to blame their life, unhappiness, inaction and actions on their parents, grandparents, siblings, spouse, children, the baby boomers, society, "the man", educational institutions, the court system, politicians, their employer, their boss, their coworkers, neighbors, fellow church members and whoever is a close target.

Garden variety depression is the depression we all feel when we are sad or upset about life events. Feeling garden variety depression because you are unemployed, broke up with your boyfriend/girlfriend, are getting a divorce, someone close to us died, we are experiencing health problems, etc. Garden variety depression can turn into a medical/clinical problem if it is not dealt with properly. Then garden variety depression turns into Unipolar Depression, Major Depression or Clinical Depression.

I come from completely fucked up parents who damaged me and my siblings, but we all still have a choice in life. We can emulate our sick parents or we can buck the system and go against everything our parents stood for and become healthier adults. Just because our parents were cruel, harsh, cold, physically abusive to the level where we should have been removed from the home, were so negligent in our care we should have been removed from the home, we were beaten for no reason at all and just because it was Tuesday. I was once denied food for three and a half days as a punishment. I was kept in the house so I could not eat at a friend's house or neighbor's house. The cupboards were locked. The stand alone freezer was locked. a lock was placed on the fridge. I was not allowed any access to any food to help me stop feeling hungry. That set me up to have issues with food the rest of my life. When I get upset I stop eating because I associate the lack of food with negative emotions. If I get sad, mad, unhappy, angry, frustrated, agitated, depressed, fearful, afraid, anxious, nervous or any other negative emotional response I stop eating because that is how I felt when I was a small child and denied food because I would not listen. I was a normal kid. I was not anymore or less rebellious than any other child. I have ADHD, OCD and Dyslexia so that causes me problems paying attention. If I did anything remotely OCD or ADHD I was beaten. I had a hard time learning to read, write, spell, write essays at school, learning difficulties, trouble paying attention, I talked too much in class, mixed up my letters and numbers, couldn't math in my head (still can't do math in my head) and I thought I was stupid because my mental disabilities and mental illnesses caused me so much trouble in school.

I started to realize something was wrong when I sent for brain testing at UCLA and the results came back that I was "impressively intelligent." I looked at the doctor like he smoking crack. How could that be? I'm dumb. But the brain tests said, "You are not dumb. You are smart." The doctor told me I scored the highest on the test of anyone they had seen and the doctors were talking about how high scores were. He told me, "We are all impressed by your intelligence." I thought, what the hell? How can this be? How is this possible? He explained to me the test, how it works, what it measures, etc. I was dumbfounded.

I had been diagnosed as having Bipolar II Disorder at that time, but not anything else. The day of the test I was Hypomanic as hell and my OCD and ADHD were kicking in so I was not mentally focused to do well on the all day long tests. I thought I did rather poorly or the tests. If I impressed the doctors with my performance I was Hypomanic, OCD and ADHD at the time...how would I perform if I was properly medicated and stable? I wonder....

I switched doctors multiple times in a search for the truth to what was imposing itself on me and messing up my life. As time went on new doctors told me, "You have OCD really bad! Why are you not being treated for that?" "You have ADHD really bad. Why is no treating you for that?" Eventually I found out I have Bipolar II Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, OCD, ADHD and Dyslexia. No wonder grade school through college was tough for me. Nothing was easy as it was for my classmates. I always struggled despite teachers and professors telling me, "Don't worry. You are bright. You will do well on the exam. You know the material. You will be fine." I was not fine. I struggled with the essay portion of exams. I had to eventually realize there is a problem here and explore that issue. That lead me to finding out I am mentally ill and have learning disabilities that cause me to struggle on writing exams. Multiple choice or short answer I am OK, but give me long essays and I have trouble.

I could blame my parents for my fucked up genes. I could blame my parents and siblings for beating me as a kid and giving me head injuries. I could blame my grandma for marrying my Borderline Personality, ADHD, OCD, alcoholic grandfather. I could blame both sides of my family for pervasive mental illness, alcoholism and drug addiction, but that will not do me any good. Casting blame will not change me at all. Casting blame on deflects me from the issue of hand....How do I get well? I can not focus on getting well if I am busy throwing blame around.

I have a choice in life:

Throw around blame and shame - or - Look inside myself, take personal responsibility for my own care and seek a solution. It doesn't much matter at this point in time the hows and whys of how I got here. What matters is that I find solutions to my problems and find wellness. This is what I try to focus on and not break my focus. It is hard because my siblings want to talk about the past, drag me down into the hatred pit they live in and keep me locked into hatred with them. It is not healthy to hold a grudge, feel so much hatred and want to kill another person for what they did to you, but that is how one of my siblings feels. He can not get better because all he wants to do is play what we in my family call "The Blame Game" where you blame another person for all your problems and REFUSE to acknowledge your own part in your own problems. Nothing is ever your fault. All of the blame lies outside of you. The Blame Game keeps a person trapped in an old situation, old set of circumstances and does not allow them to move forward. A person can not recover if they are playing the Blame Game and refusing to take personal responsibility for their own life.

Recovery means introspection, which is very hard and painful, to find the root cause of problems and behavior patterns so things can be addressed and fixed. My siblings refuse to do any introspection. Their focus is not inward. Their focus is outward on what everyone else is doing to them or around them.

When I tell my siblings to look inside themselves for the answers as to why they are miserable they tell me, "That is too hard! I can't do that. I can't look at everything that happened and how it fucked me up! You are the strong one in the family. You are the one who has the courage to do that. I don't. They talk about how courageous I am to go to therapy, see a psychiatrist, try meds and try to recover when they refuse. We have the same DNA, the same inherited mental illnesses, grew up in the same environment, have the same relatives, share siblings, etc. But my siblings do acknowledge that I had it worse than they did because I was the family whipping boy.

My mother rejected me and beat me within an inch of my life on a regular basis because "You were an unwanted teenage pregnancy. You were not supposed to be born for another ten years. Had abortion been legal then you would not have been born at all. I would have aborted you. We considered giving you up for adoption (I wish they had), but your dad said he would marry me so we married and kept you. (like this was a big favor to me???) You ruined my life. I was a junior varsity cheerleader and could been a varsity cheerleader if you hadn't have come along. I was a Homecoming princess. I could have been the Homecoming queen if you hadn't have come along. I could have married the high school quaterback, football captain, but no....I had to marry your dad because you were on the way. (and that is my fault because???) I could have gone to college. I could have had a career. (my mom is far too lazy to build a successful career. look up lazy in the dictionary and there is her photo.) I could have backpacked through Europe and seen the world. (yeah, not likely she would have done this. she has seen the world because I pushed her too and took her along with me.), etc., etc." My mom had so many reasons for why she felt I ruined her life that it became a running joke with my siblings. They could rattle off the list of reasons at 100 mph as a joke to me. "Yeah, you are so terrible because, blah, blah, blah." My siblings heard it so often they memorized the list.

In therapy I learned to divorce myself from the list and not allow it to define me. I was more than the list and the list was rather lame and not valid anyway. It allowed my thinking to shift, my self esteem to lift and the shattered pieces of myself began to be put together. The healing process started. None of my therapists have been all that great. I would not recommend anyone to them, but I did learn a small piece of information that helped me to heal myself. I learned I am not defined by others. I define myself. Who I choose to be is on me and my head and not anyone else. My reaction to stimuli, the actions, reactions or inaction of others is beyond my control. As a person who was brutalized I seek to understand and control others to cut off future violence. I learned this is futile. I only have control over myself. I have no control over how others think, speak, behave or do not behave. I can not make another person conform their behavior to be polite, well mannered, respectful, kind, considerate or courteous . I can ask for that behavior. If they give it to me I stay. If they do not....I leave. I can not control the person to cause them to produce a certain behavior or stop producing a certain behavior. All I have control over is ME. I have no control over anyone else. That is what I learned in therapy. My choices in life are to stay if I get the behavior I want and leave if I do not get the behavior I want.

I have found by taking personal responsibility for my life I feel more in control rather than less in control. I am not as stressed out because I know what is within my control and what is not within my control. The guess work is taken away and that lowers my stress level.

Taking personal responsibility for my own care, be it physical health or mental health, means I am more involved and engaged in the healing process with my doctors than if I mentally disengaged and let the doctors run my recovery. Doctors are not as well versed in my health issues as I am. My appointments with them are limited in time and I can not tell them everything in our limited time together. I know better than the doctor how I am feeling, what works for me, what does not work for me, my health history, my medication history, my family DNA history, etc. The doctor can only go by what I tell them. They can not read my mind.

It is up to me to look up my meds for information on drug interactions, side effects, effectiveness rates, failure rates, toxicity symptoms, overdose symptoms, what the drug does do and does not do. By doing my own research I can figure out if I am at a medicinal level or toxic level. I can figure out my side effects have been reported or are unreported. I have had reported side effects and unreported side effects. Later I saw a press release from the FDA with newly reported side effects for a drug listing what I had experienced. The FDA reports side effects that the drug manufacturer tells them. After a drug is released new side effects are reported by patients that use a drug. Their doctors report the side effects to the FDA or the patient self reports. This can be done through the FDA website.

I try to live my life taking personal responsibility, but it can be hard as old habits are hard to break. My family taught me to play the "Blame Game" all the time and never say, "It is my fault." My family pulls on me to go back to old ways and blame others for my misery. They tell me repeatedly, "It is not your fault. Blame your genetics. Blame your chemistry. Blame your ancestors. Blame mom and dad. etc." If I listen to them I feel more unhappy because things feel out of my control and it makes me feel helpless and hopeless. It triggers a depression in me. Yes, I have screwed up genetics, DNA and mental illness and learning disabilities were passed to me, but it does not help me to cast blame on anyone.

What helps me is to say, "In the here and now what can I control? What can I change? How can I improve my life? What can I do to bring myself more happiness? What can I do to bring myself more contentment? What can I do to bring more stability to my life?" Moaning about the past is not productive. Complaining about the past is not productive. Clinging to the past is not productive. Blaming and shaming others is not productive or helpful to me. I have to think about the present and what can be done to change the present because the past is the past.

What is done can not be undone. The past is written. The present is being written. The future remains to be seen. My decisions today impact my tomorrow. If I choose carefully my tomorrow will go more smoothly. I choose today impulsively my tomorrow might be a little rough.

I try to stay focused on the positive and looking forward instead of the negative and looking backward at things I can not change. It gets hard for me when my siblings and parents want to drag me back into the past. My family can be a real stumbling block to my recovery and stability. It is hard to stay on track when I get unstable due to Bipolar II Disorder, experience anger due to OCD and ADHD and experience anxiety due to Social Anxiety Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It is difficult, but I do the best I can.

Latuda Trial

2011-10-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

My psychiatrist gave me samples of anti-psychotic drug Latuda (40 mg) to try as a way to put me to sleep at night. I tried it and it seemed OK in the beginning, but as time went on nagging symptoms began to crop up. The muscles in my forehead and back of head began to spasm and give me pain. Then the spasming moved to the sides of my head and my whole head was engulfed in muscle spasms and pain. Then the muscle spasms moved into my back. My back became tight, tense and painful to the touch. Last night I even got muscle spasms in my hips.

I woke up this morning still having a raging headache, similar to a migraine, and with no relief from the muscle spasms and pain. I last took the dose last night with dinner at 7:00 PM. It is now 10:00 AM the following morning and the muscle spasms are not stopping.

The Latuda is making the muscles spasm in my face so my TMJ is acting up, my jaw is tight and I can not open my mouth fully. Talking and yawning is painful.

I called the receptionist and asked her to let the doctor know what is happening to me. She told me, "You need to come in this week." I changed my appointment from next week to this week due to the side effects. I see the doctor tomorrow.

Latuda does work to put me to sleep. I clonk out and can not stay awake on the med. My eyelids feel like they have weights on them. I feel my eyelids pulled down. My head begins to nod and bob as I struggle to stay awake. If I am sitting up I fall over into a deep sleep. If I am in bed watching TV I fall asleep sooner than I like. It does work to bring sleep, but the price of admission is too high.

I do not have psychotic episodes, so I do not need antipsychotic drugs. Doctors give antipsychotics to slow me down, lower my energy and make me sleep. So far....none have worked properly because the drug is not being used as intended. Taking an antipsychotic med for sleep is sort of like shooting a fly with a cannon ball. It is overkill, but doctors like to do it anyway. I can fight through all sleeping pills on the market and I have a problem with addiction to benzos so doctors try antipsychotics on me instead. So far, no luck. Oooooo, it is frustrating. I just want normal sleep like everyone else. I'm tired of thinking insomnia is "normal" and a full nights sleep is going to elude me the rest of my life.

Edit: The receptionist from my doctor's office called and said, "Doctor wants to see you tomorrow, but he still wanted you to take Latuda tonight. He wants you to but it in half." I said, "OK." I'll give it a shot and see what happens tonight and tomorrow.

Family DNA Can Be So Fucked Up!

2011-10-03T13:41:00.000-07:00

I spoke to my sister last night. I called her to check up on her. She rarely answers her phone. I was lucky to get a hold of her. She sounds better. She has temporarily lifted out of her depression. I am relieved. I was so worried about her.

She told me her teenage daughter believes she has Bipolar. My sister told her daughter, "Well, baby....you do get mental illness from sides. You are kind of screwed." My sister and I laughed about it because it is true.

I explained my sister our family history of mental illness and how it is prevalent on both sides of the family. I explained to her the hows and why of Schizophrenia, Bipolar, Unipolar Depression, Suicide, Suicidal Ideation, OCD, ADHD, PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and how the multiple disorders travel together in clusters.

My sister has not gone for help so far. She admits she knows she has Bipolar II Disorder, PTSD (due to our violent childhoods that traumatized us), OCD (we have the exact same OCD habits), ADHD and Social Anxiety Disorder. When I explained Social Anxiety Disorder to her she admitted, "Yep! That is me!" She was shocked when I told her the symptoms I described are called Social Anxiety Disorder. She thought she was Anti-Social, but she is not Anti-Social at all. My sister is outgoing, gregarious, lively, funny, fun, giggly, extroverted and will die if you isolate her. She is the opposite of the Antisocial Personality Disorder. My sister flips out in a crowd. She can not go to things like concerts, a crowded beach, the swap meet, a flea market because there are too many people and she flips out. She fell apart when we got stuck in traffic on our way to Vegas and there were cars boxing us in. She could see the people and she went into a melt down. She screamed at me, "Get us out of here. Drive in the desert if you have to. Go! Go! Go! Go now!!!!!!" She hyperventilated so much she almost passed out. She was thrashing around in her seat freaking out like I was trying to kill her. She was screaming at the top of her lungs and swinging her arms at me. She went into full on panic attack mode. She could not think straight because her brain was in full on nuclear core melt down mode. Yet, my sister refuses to get help because she is a nurse and doctors and nurses do not get medical help unless they are dying. She keeps telling me, "Doctors and nurses make poor patients. We do not go for check ups. We do not go for help when we are not well. We do not follow doctor's orders. We are terrible patients." This is her mantra. She repeats it to me over and over and over and over again. She will not say anything other that. I know doctors she has worked with over the years have put this into her head. She did not think this way upon graduation or early in her career. It is the influence of doctors she liked and admired telling her this bullshit that is now a stumbling block to getting her care. It was very irresponsible for those doctors to tell her this bullshit and now she will not go for care because of what they said to her. It is really pissing me off!

I have been trying to convince my sister to get psychiatric help for the last SEVEN YEARS with no success because of this idea in her head that, "Doctor's and nurses make terrible patients and do not go for help." I feel soooooo frustrated!

Intellectually I know I can not MAKE my sister do anything. All I can do is ask her nicely to, "Please, please go get help," It took me seven years to convince her to divorce her ass, abusive ex-husband who kept cheating on her, lying to her, abusing drugs and alcohol and beating her. It took seven years of non-stop, "Leave him. Divorce him. He is no good. He treats you like shit. Leave him. Divorce him. He is no good. He treats you like shit. I will help you just let me know when you want me to come and I will book a ticket. I will come to you. I will help you. I will help you get away. Please just tell me when to come. I will be there for you. I want you away from him!" For seven years I did that.

One day.....the call came that I was waiting for. She called and said, "I am done. I have had enough. Please come. I need you. I want a divorce. I can not do it on my own. I need my big sister to ride in and rescue me like you always do." I told her, I will book a ticket ASAP. I am on my way. Hang in there. I am coming." She told her husband that evening that I was coming that day (which I was not). He got so scared he left the house and didn't return for two days. She got some peace from him for two days. I didn't want him to have advance notice that I was coming so I was upset with her for telling him.

When I got there I found her attorney, we met with the attorney, I helped her fill out her attorney paperwork, packed half her stuff, found her a new place to live along with her daughter, paid the first months rent, the security deposit and the last months rent so she could move in free of debt and got into an argument with her husband when he intimidated my sister and was ready to take a swing at her. I charged out of the back bedroom and got in his face. He is 6'2" 300 lbs and a big guy. I am 5' 4" and was 110 lbs at the time. He was bigger and stronger than me, but I was madder. Anger trumps size in a case like that. I was livid! How dare you try to keep things that have been in our family for generations just because you married my sister! You can't have those things! They belong to my sister! For God's sake! You can NOT keep our family antiques and heirlooms! Not to mention if you lay a finger on my sister you will wake up in the fucking hospital with a concussion! I had tangled with this man in the past and whipped his ass. We grew up in the same neighborhood. He has seen me fight people bigger and stronger and with a longer reach than me and lay them out in the street. He knows I am no joke. My temper is legendary. I am not a person to be messed with because I will take you down. He also knows I am highly, highly protective of my baby sister. I will defend that woman to my death! She is my baby sister and my only sister. I will always protect her. Right or wrong she is my kin.

I was yelling at him and turned to tell my sister, "Call 911!" She looked at me puzzled and said, "But he is not touching you?!?" The look on her face said, Huh???? I yelled back, "Call 911 because I am about to kick his ass and I can't go to jail in Texas for assault and battery when I have to be to work on Monday in California! Call the God damn 911 so they get here and protect HIM from ME! I don't want to go to jail for beating him or killing him." My sister realized what I was saying and jumped to the phone. If I was in jail for attempted murder in Texas I would lose my job in California and I had a really good job. I had a job at a post-production house that people dream of getting. I was not about to throw that away on my then brother-in-law. I was livid but trying to keep enough sense to not go to jail or on trial. When I get that angry I am going to beat someone senseless. In the past I have knocked a person out. They were out so long I thought I killed them and I freaked out. My ex-brother-in-law knows about that incident. The person blabbed about what I did and said, "She is such a bitch! She knocked me out! I wouldn't mess with her again. She is small, but she is tough."

My brother-in-law ran out of the house when he realized I would tear him apart and was trying to maintain control, but my control was quickly slipping hence, I told my sister to call 911. He did not come home for five days. That allowed us to pack in peace and make plans to move my sister.

To this day, thirteen years later, my ex-brother-in-law calls me, "That bitch sister of yours who showed up and all of a sudden I'm divorced." Alternatively he calls me, "That bitch sister of yours." I seem to have lost my name somewhere along the way to Bitchood. That is fine. I don't care. He can say whatever he likes as long as he is not hitting my sister anymore. That is all that counts.

My sister asked for my help when she was desperate to get away from her husband. She recently asked for my help from out of the blue to deal with depression related to Bipolar II Disorder. It is unusual and highly unlikely my sister will ask for help from anyone. She is very proud and wants to stand alone on her own two feet. She does not like to ask for advice or help of any kind. She is the "I am woman, hear me roar. Miss Independent" kind of woman. It is very humbling to her to ask for any kind of help. I think this is due to a large to how our parents behave. If you ask them for any help they act like they are bringing world peace and you should bend down and kiss their garments in gratitude. My parents have never believed in helping their children for reason at all. They must gain from the exchange.

My sister's ex-husband does not pay child support and she sometimes asks our parents for financial help. My father berates her for not having a better job, for marrying such a shit against our parent's wishes, for being such a dumb ass to marry him and have children with him, on and on. He makes her cry and then he gives her the money. He has to berate her, humiliate her, make her cry, make her beg, make her feel small and helpless before he will loosen the purse strings. I would not speak to a child molester the way my father speaks to my sister. He is so deliberately cruel and harsh. Our mother is no better. She also says to my sister, "You married the biggest shit in the pile. You look for the biggest turds. You sniff all the shit and when you find that one that stinks the most that is the one you pick up and take home." Now if that is not harsh...I don't know what is harsh.

I think part of the reason my sister is unwilling to seek help from anyone is due to the emotional abuse she has received at the hands of her parents from birth. Seeking help from them only results in abuse....so, why ask anyone for help? Surely, other people will be abusive too. I am sure this is going through the head of my sister and it only makes her more resistant to seeking help because of how our parents conditioned us to think of "help" as equal to emotional abuse and sometimes even physical abuse.

My sister was at work when I called her. She asked me to call when she got off from work. I called twice. She did not answer. Typical. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. If I don't see you, hear your voice or deal with you I don't have to admit I have a problem too. My sister takes avoidance to a high art.

Depakote Hair Loss, Lithium Hair Loss, Tips and Tricks to Get Your Hair Back

2011-10-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

I lost 2/3 of my hair due to being put on Depakote for Bipolar II Disorder. The remaining 1/3 is dry, frizzy, limp, broken off at all lengths from the scalp to the roots and looks like spaghetti. The shine is gone. It is very dull. When I wash it the remaining hair frizzes out and looks terrible because the broken lengths are noticeable when it is frizzed. You can see where my hair has broken off at all different lengths. It is obvious my hair is badly damaged. My hair used to be stick straight, soft, silky, shiny, bouncy, shimmery and I looked a virtue of health before Depakote. Lithium caused me to lose a little bit of hair, but Depakote made my hair fall out by the fists fulls.

People who knew me Pre-Depakote are horrified when they see me today. The change is noticeable. I was always known as the woman with the long, beautiful, soft, silky, healthy, beautiful hair and now it looks like limp, broken Spaghetti. People used to ask me, "What do you do that your hair is so pretty? Do you take vitamins? What products do you use? Help me get my hair like yours." I looked really healthy because my hair was so healthy. I do not look healthy now because my hair is destroyed. We think people look healthy or unhealthy based on how healthy their looks. I am now judged as "unhealthy" because my hair has been trashed by Depakote. Years later I am still paying the price for my admission to the Depakote Club. I wish I had never joined that damn Depakote Club! It is taking me a lot longer to come back from what Depakote took from me than I anticipated.

It looks so unhealthy and noticeable a stranger asked me if I was going through chemotherapy and if that was why I lost my hair. I felt mortified and didn't know what to say to them. I stuttered and stammer a response and decided to agree with them that I had been through chemo rather than admit I had not. I decided it was better to have them think I was dealing with cancer than know I have Bipolar II Disorder. Cancer seemed more socially acceptable than a mental illness so I went with it.

I started vitamins and supplements to make my hair grow. I did research & found: Biotin, B-Complex Vitamins, Vegetal Silica, Zinc, Amino Acids Complex, Beta Carotene, Flaxseed Oil & other things make the hair grow. I started eating Jello because I knew it helped make the nails and thought maybe gelatin would help my hair? I don't know if Jello helped my hair or not, but my nails got stronger and grew faster!

My hair started to come in and grow. I stopped the vitamins and it fell out all over again. I thought I only needed the vitamins to jump start my hair growth and once the hair was growing it would keep growing. I was wrong. Once it fell out after I stopped the vitamins I realized my mistake.

I started the vitamins a second time and my hair began to grow again. My new hair is now about 5" long. The new hair is healthy, but not as shiny as my old hair used to be. The new hair is curly and wavy whereas my old hair was pin straight. The curly, wavy hair looks fuller than my old straight hair. It looks like there is more hair than there really is because it poofs up more than straight hair that lays flat. I am not sure what to think of my curly, wavy hair since I spent my life using curling irons and rollers to get the hair I have today. It is rather ironic. I always wanted to have wavy hair when I had straight hair and now that I am getting wavy hair I long for my old straight hair. I am never happy. lol As my mother says, "We always want what we can not have." She is so wise on that account. I want what I can not have and I'm not thrilled with what I can have. I am not satisfied as is human nature.

The new color is darker than my old color. People who know me are surprised at the color shift. I was surprised at the color shift! The color shift is OK. I can always change the color at a later date. I can live with it. My hair has gone from a honey blond to a dark dirty blond. It has shocked me, my family, exes, my last boyfriend. Everyone was surprised.

I looked into buying a fake ponytail to augment my hair while it was growing, but never got around to buying one.A fake fall of say a pony tail would make it easier to pass in society unnoticed. It would stop the comments. I am not a fan of people staring at me or commenting on my scrawny hair.

If you take Depakote and have hair loss the hair loss will be substantial instead of minor. I did not take Depakote for very long and I lost most of my hair. I took Depakote for less than four months. I gained 60 pounds and lost most of my hair. Now I am dealing with the repercussions of that one med I took for less than four months.

My hair fell out by the handfuls in the shower and left a huge clump of hair in the drain every time I showered. I left a trail of hair behind me everywhere I went. People were saying, "Ewwww" as they picked up my hair of their clothing, off the floor, of the furniture, off the counter-top, out of a car, etc. I felt like I had a cloud of hair following behind me. I left hair everywhere I went. Everyone noticed and commented. I got sick of it. "I know I am losing me hair! I am on Depakote. I can't help it. I don't do it purpose. Just stop talking about it. Give it a break." is what I told everyone.

My brush was full of hair. Now that I take vitamins and supplements and stopped the Depakote the hair loss has stopped. My hair has come in again and rarely, rarely falls out now except for normal hair loss everyone experiences. Getting off Depakote and onto vitamins, minerals and supplements has made all the difference in the world to the amount of hair I have today.

The vitamins, minerals and supplements I listed worked for me. I am living proof they work. I bought my vitamins and supplements from Vitacost.com on the recommendation of one of my doctors. She told me Vitacost.com is cheaper than a lot of sites, ships fast, accurately fills orders, has a wide variety of vitamins and has good quality items. I have used them for years. I wish they carried more things, but as vitamins sites go they are good. I just wish they would not drop items so I can't buy them again in the future. That is frustrating.

I eat Ezekiel 4:9 Bread because I have a Gluten Intolerance, but also because the bread is made from sprouted grains and not wheat (gluten free). It is 100% protein and full of Amino Acids. The bread makes me feel strong from the protein and Amino Acids. The Amino Acids make my hair grow. I toast the Cinnamon and raisin bread for breakfast or use it for sandwiches with pepper jack cheese, meat and hot mustard (horse radish, Jalapeno, etc. I like hot mustard.) for a sweet and spicy lunch.

I use the regular bread or Sesame bread for grilled cheese sandwiches or cold cut sandwiches. I always toast the bread because I like it better that way. I do not like the low sodium bread as the low sodium one is kind of taseless, but I like the rest. I keep it in the freezer because there are no preservatives in the bread so it will go moldy fast. I take out two slices at a time to make a sandwich.

After I started eating Ezekiel 4:9 Bread my hair really started growing and my gluten intolerance (allergy to wheat) improved. With a health improvement and hair growth I am convince Ezekiel 4:9 Bread is a good buy. Food for Life is the Ezekiel manufacturer.

www.foodforlife.com/sprouted-grain-difference/ezekiel-4-9.html

The bread is denser than a fluffy white bread, but I am used to whole wheat bread and robust old craftsman style breads so it tastes good to me. If you are only used to Wonderbread, which has very little nutrients in it, you will probably not like Ezekiel 4:9 Bread. It depends on what you are used.

Oysters have the most Zinc of any food. Zinc supports your immune system and makes your hair grow. Zinc does a lot of wonderful things for us. The main thing Zinc is known for a supporting the immune system and cutting off cold and flue viruses which is why we have Zinc lozenges today to help us fight colds and flues. Zinc also promotes hair growth. No matter how you slice Zinc is a good supplement con consume.

Zinc lifts the energy just like Vitamin B 6 or Vitamin B 12, so do not take Zinc late in the day or at night. You will have a hard time sleeping because it will raise your energy. Zinc is best taken in the morning or at noon. Zinc is a good mineral for people who have a mood disorder to consume since it helps life your mood out of a depression. If you have Unipolar Depression or Bipolar Depression Zinc is helpful.

http://nutritiondata.self.com/foods-000124000000000000000.html

Nutrient Search Tool to find the foods that are high or low in a certain nutrient such as Vitamin B 6, Magnesium, Zinc, Folate or whatever you want to find. I tried to change my diet to incorporate nutrient rich foods into my diet that would help my hair grow. I continue to take the supplements, but I also add to my diet nutrient rich foods to give me even more of what I need to stay healthy and make my hair grow. Between diet changes, Minerals and Vitamins my hair is growing fast. The new hair is healthy, but not as shiny as my old hair before it got ruined.

I use a leave in conditioner to make my hair smooth (get rid of the frizziness) and shiny. It looks healthier and I get comments that it looks good. I use Alterna Enzymetherapy Nutritive Leave-in Conditioner Protectant & Detangler. It is in an orange bottle. I wash and condition my hair as usual. I towel dry my hair and comb it out. I put a dime size dollop into my my palm. I rub my hands together and then sooth the conditioner over my hair and rub it in. I leave it in and do NOT wash it out. My hair dries to be smoother, softer, silkier and shinier than if I had not used the Alterna leave in conditioner. When I wash my hair the shine, smoothness, silkiness is gone because the conditioner is gone. It lasts a long time because I do not use very much at a time. If I overdo it my hair looks dull, weighed down, life less, stringy and dirty. A little bit of the Alterna leave in conditioner is good, but going overboard results in terrible, limp, dirty looking hair. You only need a dime size dollop. If your hair is in really bad condition and/or very long you can use an additional pea size amount.

I just looked on the Alterna site and they don't seem to be making this product anymore. They have gone to a spray instead. I use the stuff in the orange bottle. The stuff in the orange bottle is made from hemp. Hemp is a plant that used to be grown in the US, but was stupidly banned because it looks too much like pot. In the overzealous rush to outlaw pot Congress also outlawed hemp. Hemp is used to make clothing that is lighter, more breathable, cooler and more durable than cotton. Hemp is used to make strong ropes, textiles, shoes, makeup, shampoo, toothpaste, paper, canvases, etc. It has a lot of uses. Because Hemp is outlawed in the US it costs more to buy help clothing, hemp handbags, hemp shoes, etc. Import duty taxes are steep to keep out the Boogie Man hemp. My family has been farming for tens of thousands of years so I am not convinced hemp should be outlawed from the US. I think the drug laws have gone too far by outlawing hemp in the US. I love, love, love my hair haircare products! I like hemp clothing.

Alterna Haircare Hemp Products

Alterna Haircare Hemp Repair Products

The Alterna conditioner is helpful to disguise the broken, damaged hair while your new hair is growing out. Hairdressers told me about Alterna and I have found it to be very helpful to bring some life back to the remaining hair and to care for the new hair. I want to take care of my old hair and take tender care of the new hair coming in. I use Alterna products to do that.

Alterna products can be found in hair salons, beauty care shops, beauty supply shops, Sephora (makeup heaven), Sephora.com (if there is no Sephora shop near you, you can buy online), etc. You can use the salon locater feature on the Alterna website to find a salon near you that sells Alterna. If you Google "Alterna sales" you can find more places to buy it from.

Alterna Haircare Salon Locator

Heavy Metal Poisonings / Toxic Levels Cause Hair Loss

If you eat a lot of sushi your hair will fall out due to the high Mercury content of the fish used in sushi. If there is no other explanation for your hair falling out other than you eat sushi 2-3 times a week it is time to modify your diet and cut back on the sushi, canned tuna and other deep sea fish that are high in Mercury. I had a friend lose her hair in big round patches on her head. I read in the magazine Prevention that this is caused by consuming too much sushi. I showed her the article. She stopped eating sushi and her hair grew back. It took time for the Mercury toxins to clear her body. Sometimes hair loss is a sign of Mercury toxins or Mercury poisoning. There are supplements you can take that will strip Mercury from your body. Once you strip the Mercury from your body the hair will come in better. I do not recall which supplements strip out the Mercury. Zinc strips out extra Copper, but I don't recall what strips out Mercury.

I just did a web search and found that Vitamin C removes Mercury for the body.

To remove heavy metals from your body such as Mercury, excessive amounts of Copper, Lead, etc. which are toxic and can cause brain damage such as Alzheimer's, physical health problems and mental health problems.

Try this for food:

Cilantro, carrots (or carrot juice), green peas, potatoes (or potato juice), cabbage, tomatoes and cranberries help in drawing heavy metals from fatty tissue where they are stored, bind them, and discharge them from the system (Ref.: American Journal of Clinical Nutrition)

If you check your diet for heavy metals and find you are consuming foods high in heavy metals, such as sushi or too much canned tuna, it is time to modify your diet to prevent health problems because hair loss will be the least of your concerns if you develop mental or physical health problems due to diet. Foods are not all equal. Some are better for us than others. Some foods are good for us in a small quantity and toxic in a high quantity (sushi, canned tuna and others).

Lithium is not a beauty treatment

2011-09-30T22:21:00.000-07:00

Lithium might be helpful to me in that it tamps down my Hypomania, but it is a killer to my self esteem when I look in the mirror at my puffy, bloated face that makes me look fat and like I had a night of heavy drinking and obscenely salty food. I look like I am retaining water because I look bloated. I look like I consume an excessive amount of salt since my face is puffy, which I kind of do since Lithium is a salt. I look like I have a permanent sunburn due to the Rosacea. My Rosacea does not go away. It is permanent. It is not an even coverage so that it could look like a heavy hand was used to apply blush. It is obvious it is Rosacea.

http://rosacea-derm.org/livingwithrosacea.htm

I look at photos of myself before Lithium and after Lithium and I look like a different person. The inflammation in my face is really obvious in photos taken over the years. You can tell when I am not on Lithium, a slight bit of Lithium, a moderate amount of Lithium and a ton of Lithium based on the photos. I don't have to look at the date on the photo. I can tell how much Lithium I was on by how my face looks. This has shocked me. I didn't know I looked so crappy! When I was 41 the ER doctors thought I was 20 or 21. They did not believe me when I told them I am 41. I looked so young and fresh. Up until the age of 42 I had no wrinkle and looked half my age. I stayed out of the sun. I took care of my skin. I ate right. I exercised. I did yoga and meditation to control my stress. I lifted weights to get in weight bearing exercises to maintain my bone health. I ate a clean diet. I took of myself. Now........I look puffy, bloated, red, worn out and feel aged before my time.

I can't believe how much I have aged on Bipolar meds. I started making a spread sheet describing all the meds I have been on and my reaction to them. I am up 2008. I am not done and it is 32 pages long. Holy hell! I never realized I had been on so many drugs until I started my tracker spread sheet. That was eye opening. I looked at a Bipolar meds list on a web site and I have tried all of them except for two. Some I have tried two and three times because my doctor wanted to give them a go all over again. My body is a toxic waste dump due to all the meds I have been on in the last seven years of my life. I am appalled that I have been on such medication and the toll it has taken of my figure and face. Now my figure is soft and doughy. I am no longer the rock hard, toned gym rat I used to be. I feel soft and squishy. I have no muscle tone anymore and I am appalled! I have never been in this bad of physical condition before in my life.

I feel so ugly. I feel the most unattractive I have ever felt in my life. I feel like I aged very suddenly from all the chemicals going through my body. I normally eat a very clean, healthy diet, watch my weight, exercise, stay out of the sun, use sunscreen when I go to the beach, I'm a light drinker and I quit smoking. I do the things I need to do to take care of my face, hair, body and health. Yet.....I get stuck on damn bipolar meds that age me nearly over night. It hardly seems fair! I am fighting the good fight and continuing to take care of my nutrition, take vitamins and care for myself, but it feels like I am losing the fight to Lithium. I look in the mirror and I see a bloated, puffy, inflamed, red mess looking back at me. The inflammation in my face from the Rosacea and the Lithium bloat are so evident when you look at me. I look like some sort of bloated alcoholic. I look terrible.

Lithium is ruining my looks and driving my self esteem down. It has already damaged my Thyroid Gland and now it is robbing me of my youth and good looks. What more can Lithium take from me? Can it get any worse? Well, I guess it could. It could take my kidneys and my liver. So, yeah, it could get worse.

I've been on Lithium for four years and it has already robbed me of my Thyroid Gland and looks. I know I can't stay on Lithium the rest of my life. Does anyone know the upper limit for how long you can stay on Lithium? What are you supposed to do when you go off Lithium? What then? Anyone have experience with that?

T3 and Deplin have Changed my Life

2011-09-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

I am now taking two 15 mg pills of Deplin on one day and one 15 mg pill of Deplin following day. I was taking two 15 mg Deplin pills per day, but it popped me up too high so now I take one pill day and the two the next day, followed by one pill the day after and two pills the next day. I alternate every other day one pill on odd days and two pills on even days. That helps me keep it straight. Odd number of pills goes with the odd days of the month. Even number of pills goes with the even days of the month. Doing it that way makes it easy for me to remember. (I later went back to two 15 mg pills per day for a total of 30 mg per day with no bad side effects.)

Deplin.com link to the Deplin website. Your doctor has to fax a prescription for Deplin to the pharmacy Brand Direct Health Pharmacy, the company under contract with Deplin to sell Deplin at the lowest price. Your doctor puts on the fax: Deplin, how many mgs per day (7.5 mg tablets and 15 mg tablets), your name, your date of birth, your phone number so the mail order pharmacy can call you to get your credit number and shipping address. (866) 331-6440 toll free number for Brand Direct Health Pharmacy.

Brand Direct Health Pharmacy Website

Edit:
I now take Brand Name Metabolic Maintenance Dietary Supplement 5-MTHF L-Methylfolate which is the generic version of Deplin. It is cheaper than Deplin. It is available without a prescription so there is no need for a doctor's appointment, prescription or a refill. You save on those costs when you don't need to pay for any doctor visits and you don't need to visit a pharmacy. You buy it over the counter. Your costs drop.

Cheap places to buy L-Methylfolate are NaturalHealthyConcepts.com and HealthVitamins.biz.

Dosage:

10 mgs.

I take 10 mgs four times a day. Morning, Lunch, Dinner and 9:00 PM. This keeps the L-Methyfolate level in my bloodstream so my mood stays stable. If I take it all at once my blood levels SPIKE and then fall. That doesn't help me. The dose must be spread out through out the day to keep me level.

I increased my T3 by one pill per day. I take two 22.5 mcg gelatin caps in the morning and one 22.5 mcg gelatin cap in the evening. I take a total of 67.5 mcg of T3 per day. Studies show people benefit from an average of 90 mcgs per day and I am below the 90 mcgs per day.

I take one T3 before bed so I feel good in the morning. I make sure I do not eat for four hours before I take the T3 or I do not get good absorption. Eating and taking T3 is like paying for expensive medication, flushing it down the toilet and going without meds because I am not going to feel very good when I do not get much absorption from the T3. I take the T3 first thing in the morning when I get up and wait for four hours before I eat to make sure I get full absorption from the T3. T3 is expensive so I do not want to waste it by eating close to a dose and then not being able to absorb it. The morning T3 dose gets me through the day so it is important.

I have to take T3 for both my thyroid disease and for Bipolar Disorder. It does double duty when it lifts me out of depression and keeps me well from Thyroid Disease. It is convenient that T3 works for both.

My T3 is compounded for me per the prescription from my endocrinologist doctor. I have to buy my T3 from a specialty pharmacy because most pharmacies do not compound. They only sell drugs pre-manufactured by a drug company or big pharma. I use Steven's Pharmacy in Costa Mesa, CA. They do local deliveries and ship throughout the US, Canada and anywhere in the world. I am very, very happy with their service. I have used them for years. Compounded orders need an additional 24-48 hours to complete as the pharmacist has to make it for you. If you place an order for a compounded substance order early to allow for the compounding time so you make sure you do not run out of medication. Allow for compounding time and shipping time so you get your medication before you run out of the previous months supply. I order 2-3 months at a time so I only have to place an order much less often and pay a delivery charge less often.

My endocrinologist told me some people are very sensitive about their T3 dosage and must take it at an exact, precise time and not vary the dosage time by even ten minutes or they feel sick. She told me they set an alarm on their cell phone to make sure they never miss their dose by more than five minutes or they become ill. She said it is important to take T3 every twelve hours to keep it constant in the blood stream. Thus, the morning dose and the evening dose should be twelve hours apart. I do not adhere to this rule all the time because if i have a snack in the evening my move my night time T3 dose time back to account for the snack. If I eat dinner at 6:00 PM and have a snack at 7:00 PM that pushes back my T3 dose time to 11:00 PM.

It is also important to take T3 four hours away from Calcium supplements, Tums, Rolaids, Prevacid, Pepcid, Xantax, any antacids prescription or over the counter, acid blockers prescription or over the counter, acid reducers prescription or over the counter and iron supplements or the absorption of the T3 is severely reduced. You do not want to take an antacid, acid reducer, acid blocker, calcium supplement or iron supplement four hours before the T3 or four hours after the T3. These kinds of medications, prescription or over the counter medication, and supplements must be taken four or more hours away from (before or after) the T3 dosage. If you take iron, calcium, acid reducers, acid blockers or antacids be careful that those are taken far enough away from the T3 that they do not conflict with each other.

If you were to eat dinner, take an iron supplement, take a calcium supplement and take an antacid after dinner and take your T3 an hour after dinner....you might as well flush your bottle of T3 down the toilet and not take it at all because it can not work under those circumstances. It will be blocked and your body will get no absorption. T3 taken correctly is very helpful, but taken incorrectly it is not helpful because we can not absorb it properly.

With the increase of Deplin and T3 my life has been transformed.

I am now up and out of bed each day. I do not stay in bed anymore. I shower, brush my teeth, change my clothes and do not neglect my hygiene anymore. I have energy now. My body feels good, strong and healthy even though I am in the midst of a Chronic Fatigue Syndrome episode right now. I am optimistic, up beat, happy, cheerful, feel joy again, enjoy life again, have a renewed interest in life and people, no longer feel withdrawn, feel outgoing (my default setting is to be an introverted extrovert), feel ready, willing and able to engage with life and people again. I even plans have for a date!

I have plans to meet a friend for lunch who I have not seen or spoken to in seven years. He contacts me, but I avoid him because I did not want to explain to him what happened to me. He is an old friend from law school. Everyone from law school is wondering, "What happened to her? She was so smart and promising." They were shocked when I did not continue and I never told anyone that I fell apart while in school and things got worse for me after school. I have kept this a secret from all my old friends. No one knows what happened to me. I feel better able to face the situation of explaining myself to people from my past now that I feel better. I do not feel strong enough physically, mentally or emotionally when I am not well to see the people from my past and tell them, "This is what has happened to me over the last sevens years...." Now that I feel better I feel better equipped to see my old friend and explain him in brief details *some*, but not of my problems I have encountered since he saw me last. I know whatever I tell him 200 other people will hear about it via a phone call, text message, IM, email blast, FaceBook posting or whatever. He has a big mouth and everyone is very gossipy. Lawyers love to talk and gossip. Lawyers will keep the secrets for their clients, but they will not keep secrets about other lawyers, their friends, family, staff members, etc. They can't help themselves. They blab everything. They are like gossipy twelve year old girls. You tell one lawyer something personal and everyone at their firm is going to know by the end of the day. The field of law is like living in a small, tiny town where everyone knows your business. That is why I am so careful about what I say to my former law school classmates. I know they keep in touch with each other and are very open about telling each other everything. They are like open books and they are puzzled as to why I am not an open book as well.

My sleep became disturbed due to the increased dosage of Deplin and T3. I started sleeping every other night for about 2-5 hours per night and that was all. I did go three days with no sleep. I take 0.25 mg of Triazolam (Halcion) to make me sleep at night, but with the increase of Deplin and T3 the Triazolam was not enough to put me down at night.

My doctor added an anti-psychotic to slow me down so I can sleep. I will try it and see him in two weeks. We will then discuss if I should continue to take the 40 mg of Latuda at dinner time or not. Latuda has to be taken with a meal for it to work. Last night I ate dinner at 6:00 PM and took the Latuda. I fell asleep at 7:00 PM. I woke at 9:00 PM because my medication alarm clock went off. I got up and took my Triazolam and T3, plus some supplements that do not conflict with T3. I got back in bed because I was tired. I turned on the TV and watched TV until 10:00 PM. I got really sleepy from Latuda. I put the TV on sleep mode so it would shut off in a hour and not disturb my sleep all night long when it got louder on a TV commercial. I fell asleep before the TV shut off at 11:00 PM. I woke in the morning because my medication reminder alarm clock was ringing at 9:00 AM. I got up, had my meds and started my day. I do not have a hang over from the Latuda. I feel good. I am not pleased to be on an anti-psychotic medication. I hate that term! The insert for the medication says it is for Schizophrenia. I do not have Schizophrenia or psychotic episodes so I hate taking an anti-psychotic. I rebel at the idea of taking an anti-psychotic medication since I do not have psychotic episodes. However, I agreed to try the medication because I have tried every sleeping pill on the market and I can shake them off. I was given a huge dose of sleeping pills and I shook it off. My psychiatrist said, "A horse would fall asleep after taking that many sleeping pills. Let's try a different one." He put me on high doses of a different sleeping pill and I shook that one off too. My psychiatrist said, "That is enough medication to put down an elephant! Why you not go down?" He tried every sleeping pill on the market on me and none of them worked. I thought they were sugar pills. I won't go down to sleep when I have hypomania. Sleep is difficult for me. I know sleep is important so I comply, take a medication and attempt to sleep. I will see what this Latuda does to me. I will have to see what sort of side effects is produces over the next week or two. (Latuda did not work. I had to discontinue it due to lack of help.)

EDIT: I do not take Latuda any more. I take a natural normal hormone you can find anywhere MELATONIN for sleep and a slight amount of Halcion/Triazolam. Some nights I take Melatonin ONLY. Melatonin is very, very effective for sleep. It helps me more than any prescription sleeping pill ever could. I am very impressed. Melatonin is a natural hormone every person excretes to put them to sleep. Natural normal Melatonin is sold in pharmacies, vitamins stores, grocery stores, online and pretty much every where. It is cheap. I just bought a bottle for $2.00. Dosage is based on mgs per how it is packaged in that bottle. Follow the label. Some days I only need 4 mgs and other days I need 8 mgs. On really up days I need 12 mgs. It depends on what kind of a day I am having. It varies.

My psychiatrist was impressed with how good I look, how well I am going and how positive I am feeling. He did not want to take away any of the T3 or Deplin as he was reluctant to possibly send me into a tail spin by removing something that works for me. Because he did not wish to push my mood down by removing some T3 or Deplin he instead prescribed Latuda to give me sleep.

Thank you to everyone who gave me additional information on T3! You really helped me a lot. If it wasn't for you sending me information on studies on T3 I never would have known about the benefits of T3 on the mood. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You guys were a great help to me.

Thank you to the people who told me Deplin worked for them. That was helpful to me. It made me agree to try a higher dosage of Deplin instead of abandoning Deplin early on as something that did not work for me. By sticking with it and doubling the dose twice I found it really does help me after all. Thank you to everyone for giving me feedback and encouragement regarding Deplin. I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

On a very positive note:

I have my libido back! I lost it when I went into a depression, but it is back! Thanks to Deplin and T3 a small portion of my Hypersexuality is back as well. I missed it like I miss an old friend. It has been my constant companion except for a five year loss due to meds. I am happy it is back! I feel very cheerful to have my Hypersexuality back. It is part of my self and my self image to have Hypersexuality. I am not sure who I am without it. I have had Hypersexuality since I was three years old. Of course I miss my old companion. It has been a constant in my life so I crave it and miss it when it is gone. I am thrilled to have it back. Now I just need a boyfriend to workout my sexual energy on and my Hypersexuality will be a positive thing in my life once again.

I have lost weight since upping the dose of the T3. I had a slight bit of a tummy from the weight gainer meds that I could not drop. Now it is gone!!!!!! Yay! That stubborn bit of weight that was hanging on is gone due to T3. My clothes fit better now. I look better in my clothes without love handles and a little bit of a belly. My self esteem has lifted since I lost the weight. I feel more confident since I look better. I have a spring in my step since I feel I look good and feel good.

On a pain in the ass kind of a note:

If only my hair would grow faster since it fell out and broke off due to Depakote. I feel self conscious since my hair looks like hell. I have only one third of my usual hair because two thirds of it broke off at the roots, fell out at the roots, broke off at various lengths so my hair looks like hell. The broken ends can bristle out and I look like a barbie doll head with a bad, bad haircut from a child with a pair of safety scissors going to town on me. I took biotin, B Complex and vegetal silica to make my hair grow. It worked! My hair came in. I stopped the supplements and my hair fell out again. I am back on the vitamins and supplements to make my hair grow again.

My new hair came in curly and wavy which is strange because my hair is stick straight. The new hair that did not fall out is about 3" - 4" long so the hair that is closest to my head is thick and everything else is thin. It looks funny. Damn Depakote! I gained 60 pounds on Depakote and lost my hair. How does that help me? Then I was given Risperdal for crying jags and panic attacks. Risperdal gave me terrible, cystic acne. I've never had that before, but Risperdal messes up the hormones so you get acne. From one pill I would breakout and the pill only lasted for four hours. So, for four hours of relief I got a mass acne breakout. When I took Risperdal and Depakote at the same time I had: acne, a 60 pound weight gain and lost 2/3 or my hair. I was fat and ugly. I looked like a fat, plucked chicken with acne and that is not attract. Then I was given a med that made me stupid so I was a fat, stupid, plucked chicken with acne. Not at all helpful to me.

I have had some really horrible reactions to the Bipolar meds and I have not been happy with the results. T3 and Deplin have given me the best results thus far. I am very, very happy with T3 and Deplin (at this moment in time, ask me again next Tue.). I don't think I will will have a bad reaction to T3 or Deplin since they are a vitamin and a hormone my body needs anyway. I think they are safer for me than a chemical made in a lab by big pharma. So far, so good!

The information for my compounding pharmacy:

Steven's Pharmacy
1525 Mesa Verde Drive East
Costa Mesa, CA 92626
(714) 540 - 8999 local phone number
www.stevensrx.com
(800) 352 - DRUG (3784) toll free phone number
(714) 435 - 0261 fax machine

Does anyone know of any other really good, inexpensive compounding pharmacies?

How Do I Know I Have Bipolar? The Mood Disorder Questionnaire

2011-09-26T16:35:00.000-07:00

The Mood Disorder Questionnaire (MDQ) was developed by a team of psychiatrists, researchers and consumer advocates to address a critical need for timely and accurate diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, which can be fatal if left untreated.The questionnaire takes 5 minutes to complete, and can provide important insights into diagnosis and treatment. Clinical trials have indicated that the MDQ has a high rate of accuracy; it is able to identify 7 out of 10 people who have Bipolar Disorder and screen out 9 out of 10 people who do not.

(Hirschfeld, Robert + 12 other authors, "Development and Validation of Screening Instrument for Bipolar Disorder: The Mood Disorder Questionnaire," American Journal of Psychiatry 157:11 (November 2000) 1873-1875)

A recent National DMDA, Depressive & Manic Depressive Association, survey revealed that 70% of people with Bipolar Disorder have received AT LEAST ONE MISDIAGNOSIS and many waited more than 10 years from the onset of symptoms before receiving a correct diagnosis. National DMDA hope the MDQ will shorten this delay and help more people get the treatment they need, when they need it.

The MDQ screens for the Bipolar Broad Spectrum, which includes Bipolar I, Bipolar II and Bipolar NOS.

A positive screen to all three criteria should be met in order to be considered a positive prescreen for Bipolar I, Bipolar II and Bipolar NOS.

A positive screen should be followed up with a full physical from your general practitioner doctor to rule out any physical problems such as a vitamin deficiency to Thyroid T3 deficiency. In order to detect a T3 deficiency the doctor has to order a blood draw for the Thyroid - TSH, Free T3, Free T4 and other more indepth tests I can not recall at the moment. You must fast for at last 12 hours prior to a blood draw for the Thyroid. No food, not medications, no vitamins, no supplements for 12 hours before the test. A sip of water is OK, but do not take any T3 or T4 for 12 hours before the test or you will mess it up. No calcium, no acid reducers, no Tums, no Mallox, nothing to reduce the acid in your stomach for 12 hours before the T3 and T4 test or the results will not be accurate.

Thyroid blood tests miss 15% of patients who should have been diagnosed as having thyroid disease. Doctors are now trying a new technology to capture the 15% of people who are missed. The new technology is more accurate than a blood test. It is called NiTek. The NiTek test tests the muscles to see how they react. Slow reacting muscles can be a sign that the muscle is slow due to Thyroid Disease.

Thyroid Disease Symptoms include:
Sleep Apnea
Hair Loss (hair falls out, hair breaks off, hair stops growing, hair becomes dry and brittle, hair loses its shine and looks really unhealthy)
Weight Loss (Hyperthyhroid - an excess of T3 and/or T4)
Weight Gain (Hypothyroid - not enough T3 or T4)
Difficulty Losing Weight (Hypothyroid)
Chronic Fatigue
Weakness
Insomnia
Intolerance to cold mainly in the hands and feet, but can be the whole body (Hypothyroid). This often mimics anemia and the two illnesses can be confused due to they look alike.
Depression
Irritability
Decrease in Sex Drive - Loss of Libido
Constipation - The digestive tract does not work well when the body is missing Thyroid hormones.
Abnormal Menstrual Cycle
Muscle Cramps
Memory Loss - You will forget where you put things. Short term memory is impacted when there is untreated Thyroid Disease. The more severe your hormone loss is and the longer it goes...the worse your memory becomes.
Dry, rough, itcky skin that does not seem to get better with lotion.
Trying to lose weight with an under active thyroid is an impossible task.
Nail Bed Damage - My mother did not see a doctor right away when her Hyperthroid kicked in because "I want to lose 5 more pounds before I go to the doctor." Her fingernails and toenails now grow in a point instead of a curved nail bed. When the nail comes out of her nail bed it is not curved side to side. Instead it stands in a peak like a rooftop. She gets fungus under her nails on a regular basis because the gap is there under the nail bed. She takes a lot of antifungal medication to get rid the fungus. Just getting her hands slightly wet results in a fungal infection. She can not use nail polish on her fingernails or toenails anymore because it results in a fungal infection due to her distorted nail beds. This nail distortion problem did not go away when she started on thyroid medication. The damage to her nails is permanent and now she feels foolish for not getting treatment soonner. She has other permanent damage, but she refuses to tell what it is because I will get upset with her for not listening to me when I told her to go to the doctor.

It is important to get the Thyroid tested if you have Bipolar because treatment with T3 has been found to be more effective than anti-depressants. Loss of T3 can make Bipolar Disorder worse when it is low and make it better when T3 medication is added to the Bipolar Disorder treatment regimen.

This link goes to the Dallas, TX DBSA website where they have a Bipolar Screening Test to aid people in determining whether or not they have Bipolar Disorder. It can be used to decide if you need to seek treatment or not. It can help you figure if your depression level is normal or needs clinical attention. It can help you figure out if you are displaying signs of mania or hypomania and need professional attention. It is a handy little tool. It is a one page little test and one page for scoring. It was created by psychiatrists especially for the Dallas, TX, DBSA Chapter.

DBSA MDQ pdf DBSA Mood Disorder Questionnaire

I sent the questionnaire to my sister. I will see if she uses it?!? I hope she does, but I doubt it as she is refusing help.

Social Anxiety Disorder - often a traveling companion to Bipolar Disorder

2011-09-26T16:14:00.000-07:00

I have pretty severe Social Anxiety Disorder. My mom and dad tell me I was born with it. It has never left me. It has impacted me professionally because I was afraid to speak in work meetings. I would be told of the meeting schedule, which meeting I had to present my projects to, my progress on the projects and update everyone. If the meeting was scheduled in the morning I arrived late to miss the start of the meeting and hid out until it was over. If the meeting was around lunch time I left for lunch and did not return until I was sure the meeting was over. They got wise to me and began telling me five minutes before the start of meeting so I could not pull my usual tricks. I began hiding in the bathroom so they could not find me to make me talk in the bathroom. The Regional President asked everyone, "Have you seen her?" Someone ratted me out and said, "She is in the bathroom." The Regional President sent in one of the VPs to come get me out and do the dog and pony show in the meeting. I had to speak when I did not want to. I was sweating. My pulse was fast. I was breathing shallowly through the top one third of my lungs. I felt dizzy like I would pass out and I felt mortified.

I knew everyone. I worked with them every day, but the thought of having them all look at me was too much for me so I ran from the situation. The times they caught me and forced me to give my presentation were not as bad as I thought they would be, but I hid I every time to avoid it. I practiced avoidance.

When I was a little girl I hid behind my mother's skirts when a stranger came to the house. I was very frightened of strangers. They would try to coax me out, but I would shake my head and burrow into my mom's skirt. I would hold onto her skirt so when she moved I moved with her. When she sat down at the kitchen table to have coffee with a new friend I would hide under the table. My Social Anxiety Disorder was severe as a child.

My parents had to pull me out of Kindergarten because I could not adjust to so many strangers in one room. I was completely freaked out at going to school with kids I did not know and listening to a teacher who was a stranger. My Kindergarten teacher was strict, severe, mean and nasty which made it worse. I was terrified of her. I did not complete Kindergarten due to Social Anxiety Disorder.

Starting a new job is always very difficult for me because it means meeting so many new people. My Social Anxiety Disorder kicks in every time I start a new job. Once I am there for four months it is OK, but the first four months are difficult. My stress level is very high.

I have a number of ways in which Social Anxiety Disorder manifests itself. What I have written here is only a small portion of how it impacts me.

When I worked as a Producer's Assistant to two very demanding film Producers they told me a story about a previous assistant. He appears to have Social Anxiety Disorder because while they were on set during the filming a movie he got so flustered he hid in a closet and would not come out. From what they said it appears the poor man got anxious being around so many people at once that were not familiar to him that he hid in the closet to avoid contact with anyone and over stimulation. I think he did it to soothe himself because he was stressing out. The one producer from the producing team found him in the closet, opened it and told him, "You are fired. Go home now." That ended his stint as a Producer's Assistant and working on a movie set. I felt bad for the guy! He must have been really suffering.

I did not react as badly as he did when I had to go on set, but I never liked it. I did feel anxious every time I had to meet a new crew for a TV show or movie. I was not fond of being on set. I know a lot of people would love to be on set, but I never liked it. I preferred to work in pre-production or post-production rather than on set during production. That was my preference because it meant meeting less people in person. Doing pre and post meant I meet most of the people over the phone and never even met them in person. That suited me better. I am fine on the phone. I just don't like to meet a lot of people in person and especially in large groups. Meeting a large group of strangers weirds me out.

When attending parties I would only go if I knew a substantial amount of people going. I would only speak to people I already knew and not venture off to talk to a stranger. I only went to dinner parties if I knew every single person who would attending. If I don't know everyone I would beg off and not go.

I found a website on Social Anxiety Disorder that is really good. Social Anxiety Disorder often accompanies Bipolar Disorder. It is very common for them to travel together as traveling companions. In case any of you have problems with Social Anxiety Disorder here is a resource for you.

socialanxietysupport.com/disorder

T3 - Natural Help for Bipolar Disorders

2011-09-24T19:09:00.001-07:00

T3 is a one of the hormones produced by the Thyroid Gland at the base of the neck. The Thyroid Gland typically fails when a person takes Lithium for Bipolar Disorder, when exposed to radiation such as nuclear testing or a nuclear spill (which is why we are supposed to take iodine pills after a radiation spill or catastrophe to protect the Thyroid Gland). The Thyroid Gland can fail due to Thyroid Disease running in the family.

I got Hypothyroid Disease from taking Lithium. I have to take T3 daily to keep myself alive. However, T3 is not just for Thyroid Disease. It is also for the treatment of Bipolar Disorder.

Since increasing my T3 dosage by one third I do feel a slight lift in my mood. It is not as much as I would like, but I will take all the help I can get.

My insurance does not cover my T3. I have to pay for it myself. My insurance will cover Synthroid and Lyvoxl and formulary drugs, but I do not do well on both T4 and T3. I need to be on just T3 alone or I feel like shit.

If you have Bipolar have your Thyroid Gland checked to see if it is out of whack and you need to go on T3 as that might be part of your problem.

T3 does not have the side effects of big pharma drugs. T3 is a natural hormone which is what makes it so pleasant to use.

Scientists are starting to realize that the blood tests that are done for T3 are not sensitive enough. Even though your blood tests show as normal your T3 might be too low and you might to go on a prescription due to the blood tests not being able to catch everyone who has a problem. Sometimes it is OK to try a small dose of T3 even though the blood tests show normal results.

Going on T3 does result in weight loss. Upping my T3 dosage resulted in more weight loss. That is always a good thing after gaining weight on weight gainers.

Akathisia

2011-09-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

Akathisia: Specific type of feeling of restlessness or anxiety (usually from medications).

I got Akathisia from Abilify and it was made worse by more drugs after Abilify. Abilify kicked it off and other drugs cemented it. Now I rock back and forth when I am seated. I bounce my feet and my legs. It feels like a grinding of wheels inside me that can not be stopped. It feels like cogs and wheels that go round and round in perpetual motion. It is annoying, inconvenient and embarrassing. People will grab me to hold me still and I will writhe and twitch trying to keep rocking or moving. I feel self conscious. I have not taken Abilify for about 6 years, but the problem does not go away. One doctor told me, "You have central nervous system damage." I was shocked he would say this to me. He acted like it was no big deal and what was I complaining about? Apparently it is so common that when doctors see me do it they do not even comment on it except for in passing. To them it is normal and business as usual. Doctors are not concerned that I have this problem or that it will never go away. They are not perturbed that it was given to me by medications. If I would have never been on Abilify I would be fine today. I am upset about this. I am upset that Abilify gave me a new problem that will never go away. I am upset that my doctors have all treated the problem like it is no big deal. If it happened to them they would be concerned and unhappy. But because it happened to me...it is no big deal to the doctors and considered to be the cost of doing business with psychotropic drugs.

Akathisia: A movement disorder characterized by a feeling of inner restlessness and a compelling need to be in constant motion as well as by actions such as rocking while standing or sitting, lifting the feet as if marching on the spot and crossing and uncrossing the legs while sitting. People with akathisia are unable to sit or keep still, complain of restlessness, fidget, rock from foot to foot, and pace.

Akathisia is often a side effect of certain drugs. The drugs that can cause akathisia include neuroleptic (antipsychotic) agents, serotonin receptor antagonists, lithium, L-dopa,, calcium channel blockers and phenothiazine antiemetics such as prochlorperazine or metoclopropamide. Also spelled acathisia. From the Greek a- + kathisis, a sitting.

MedicineNet.com Akathisia

For a list of drugs that can trigger Akathisia please see this link.
Wikipedia Akathisia

Akathisia is most often seen as a side effect of antipsychotic medications, but has other causes as well:

Antipsychotics such as haloperidol (Haldol), droperidol, pimozide, trifluoperazine, amisulpride, risperidone, aripiprazole (Abilify) and asenapine (Saphris). Less common in sedating antipsychotics such as zuclopenthixol (Cisordinol) or chlorpromazine where anticholinergic and antihistaminergic effects counteract akathisia to a degree.
SSRIs, such as fluoxetine (Prozac). It has also been documented with the use of paroxetine (Paxil). Akathisia has been studied as the mechanism by which SSRI-induced suicidality occurs.
Other antidepressants, such as venlafaxine (Effexor), the tricyclics and trazodone (Desyrel).
Certain anti-emetic drugs, particularly the dopamine blockers, such as metoclopramide (Reglan), prochlorperazine (Compazine), and promethazine.
Antihistamines, such as cyproheptadine or diphenhydramine.
Opioid withdrawal.
Barbiturates withdrawal.
Cocaine withdrawal (Mostly in heavy and long-term users).
Amphetamines and any stimulant (even coffee and tobacco).
Benzodiazepine, and alcohol.
Chondromalacia patellae, resulting in discomfort when knees are bent.
Serotonin syndrome.

The 2006 UK study by Healy, Herxheimer, and Menkes observed that akathisia is often miscoded in antidepressant clinical trials as "agitation, emotional lability, and hyperkinesis (overactivity)". The study further points out that misdiagnosis of akathisia as simple motor restlessness occurs, but that this is more properly classed as dyskinesia. Healy, et al., further show links between antidepressant-induced akathisia and violence, including suicide, as akathisia can "exacerbate psychopathology." The study goes on to state that there is extensive clinical evidence correlating akathisia with SSRI use, showing that approximately ten times as many patients on SSRIs as those on placebos showed symptoms severe enough to drop out of a trial (5.0% compared to 0.5%).

Bipolar Diet and Supplements

2011-09-11T00:49:00.000-07:00

Bipolar Diet Info on LiveStrong.com

Bipolar Diet

I take vitamins, minerals, amino acids and omega-3 fatty acids every day to help me become stable. I found this article on LiveStrong.com about the Bipolar Diet. It is really good information. LiveStrong.com has a lot of good information on the site. Please check it out when you get the chance. If the diet can be altered and supplements added that is a good thing as it means less meds.

What I take daily for vitamins to aid me in my quest for good mental health:

B Complex Vitamins (one in the morning and and one at lunch, don't take it at night as it makes the energy rise and can cause sleep problems)

Omega-3 Fatty Fish Oil (can be taken at any time of the day)

Zinc (this supports the immune system so I do not get sick and have my mood suffer because I am sick. It makes the energy rise so I only take it in the morning. If taken in the evening it causes sleep problems.)

Calcium (I take it before bed as we absorb Calcium while we sleep. Calcium aids us with good sleep. When people drink a warm glass of milk to help them fall asleep it is the Calcium that makes them fall to sleep. This is why Calcium before bed is helpful for insomnia and rising energy at the end of the day. Do not take Calcium near T3 as it lowers the effectiveness of the T3. They must be spaced out by 4 hours or you get less of the T3.)

I also take Magnesium, but I do not know if it helps for mental health. I have heard that it helps, but I have not seen any studies on it.

I take Beta Carotene and Biotin because my hair fell out due to Depakote. Beta Carotene and Biotin are helping my hair grow back. Because my hair is growing my self esteem is lifting, so I guess that is mental health.

Iron supplement: I take iron because I am anemic. Anemia means you are missing iron from your diet either from a lack of nutrients in your food or because you can not process your food efficiently. Either way it means you need to take iron supplements. Iron is very hard on the stomach so ONLY take it WITH food or you could end up with an ulcer like I did. I take "gentle iron with vitamins" as it is gentler on the stomach and it gives me a little more vitamins. You can tell you need iron if you feel cold when other people do not. Your blood does not circulate well enough when you are anemic so you will feel cold especially in your hands and feet. Being anemic also makes you very tired, run down and low energy. It is like having constant low grade mono.

I take B6, B12 and Folic Acid extra B Vitamins to keep my energy and health up when I am down in a depression. I take these as extra from the Multi B Complex. B Vitamins are water soluble so you just pee out what is extra. It is not possible to get a toxic dose or over dose on B Vitamins. These vitamins lift the mood and the energy so they are helpful when in the midst of a depression. I can get out of bed and no longer feel paralyzed when I take my combination of B Vitamins.

Bipolar Diet Link

Bipolar Diet and Nutrition Link

Natural Alternatives to Valium - Jasmine

2011-09-10T23:54:00.000-07:00

Jasmine The Natural Valium

In what's being called the first scientific proof that aromatherapy works, researchers in Germany have concluded that the smell of jasmine, a small white flower that's been used homeopathically for years to calm the nerves, is just as effective as Valium — at least, on lab mice. Could doctors someday prescribe a daily whiff of this fragrant flower?

Why did scientists focus on jasmine?
Initially, the study's researchers examined hundreds of fragrances to determine their effect on GABA receptors, which play a role in transmitting signals to the brain's limbic system. Of the fragrances tested, only jasmine created a tangible change in brain chemistry. The scent acted "as strongly as sedatives, sleeping pills and relaxants" without known side-effects such as "depression, dizziness, hypertension, muscle weakness and impaired coordination," according to the (London) Telegraph.

How does jasmine affect the brain?
Scientists say the neurotransmitter GABA helps regulate over-excitement, promoting relaxation and relieving anxiety. When scientists infused the cages of lab mice with the fragrance, they "ceased all activity" and would "sit quietly in a corner" — evidently soothed, if rather slothful.

How might the study's findings change modern medicine?
Proof that jasmine alters brain chemistry might pave the way for mainstream acceptance of aromatherapy as treatment. "Applications in sedation, anxiety, excitement and aggression relieving treatment" may be in the little flower's future, said Professor Hanns Hatt, who helped conduct the story. That said, it's far too soon to equate the effects with Valium, says Britain's National Health Service website. "People taking prescribed medication for anxiety should not change their treatment based on this study."
Sources: The Telegraph, Science Daily, National Health Service (UK)

L-Methylfolate for Unipolar Depression and Bipolar Depression

2011-09-09T11:31:00.000-07:00

My brother sent me this link and said this particular L-Methylfolate is equivalent to 7.5 mg of Deplin when 7.5 pills of the over the counter L-Methylfolate pills are taken. There is no prescription needed since it is over the counter. Anyone who is interested in trying L-Methylfolate to batter Unipolar Depression or Bipolar Depression can try it. I have not tried it myself, nor has my brother. He went looking for it on the Internet after I told him I am on Deplin. He is searching for natural remedies for his daughter who is showing early signs of Bipolar II Disorder. She is 15.

Life Extension Optimized L-Methylfolate Vegetarian

Deplin.com

He also sent me a link to a drug called Metanx. It is an older B Vitamins prescription vitamin pill prescribed for Diabetics and Neuropathy. It contains L-Methyfolate (folic acid), Pyridoxal 5'-phosphate (B 6) and Methylcobalamin (B 12). The dosage is not as high as Deplin, but it might be covered by insurance since it is an older prescription vitamin pill.

Metanx.com - About Metanx

Per the Metanx.com web site: Up to 50% of individuals are unable to fully convert folic acid into the active form of folate, L-methylfolate.^6,7

^{When you can not covert your food or vitamin pills to the active form your body needs the vitamin deficiency will take a toll on your mental health and physical health. B Vitamins and the lack thereof impacts the mood, happiness level and energy level of the person suffering a B vitamin deficiency. B vitamins are very, very important to good mental health. Unfortunately, not everyone can absorb B vitamins efficiently or completely from their diet or vitamin pills. That is where the prescription vitamin pills come in as they have already converted the vitamin to the final step the body needs to have the vitamin. It can take 2-4 steps to convert a vitamin to its final usable form. Some where along the way the body loses the ability to continue the conversion process or it just slows down and can not convert all the vitamin. That means we get less than we are supposed in accordance to how much vitamins we swallowed. That is why prescription vitamins were invented. Prescription vitamins go to the final step and allow the body to do a direct absorption instead of the conversion process.}

Topamax, AKA: Dopamax, Stupidmax

2011-09-06T17:12:00.001-07:00

Topamax - Brand Name
Topiramate - Generic Name
Dopamax, Stupidmax - Nicknames or Street Names for Topamax, so called because you feel doped up, high and it makes you stupid in high doses.

I was taking 250 mg a day a the time when I crashed and totaled two cars. I am back on Topamax for Anxiety control, but it does absolutely nothing for Depression or Bipolar. I only feel a slight lift of Anxiety when I am on Topamax. I do not feel it makes enough of a difference to justify taking Topamax for Anxiety. I feel Benzos do a much better job of mitigating Anxiety than Topamax ever could.

Currently, I take 50 mg of Topamax for weight control after being on weight gainers. It takes about 30 pounds off of me and helps to keep the weight off. It is helpful for weight control, but I do not feel it helps me in any other way. My current doctor told me I should not be on a dosage of Topamax greater than 100 mg as it is much too high and this is why I wrecked my cars. He is only prescribing 50 mg to keep me in the safe zone.

Even though I took Topamax at night the hangover lasted until about 3:00 PM - 4:00 PM the next day. The hangover was really long and made my life very limiting as I could not function very well for a very long portion of the day.

If you take Topamax or Topiramate watch your dosage and be careful to not go too high so you don't have it turn into Stupidmax or Dopemax like it did for me. Please be careful of your dosage.

Topomax was developed in the 1960s as a diet pill. It does work as a diet pill. It will cause you to lose weight you have gained from a weight gainer Bipolar medication which is quite handy. If you have gained 100+ pounds it is not of much help. My experience is that it helps if you want to lose 30 pounds or less, but hey...something is better than nothing. If your metabolism is ruined due to weight gainer medications Topamax can help you slightly for the length of the duration in which you take it. My experience is that I gain the weight right back as soon as I stop the Topamax. All the weight comes right back. I have to stay on the Topamax if I want to keep the weight off. Topamax works by cutting your appetite. If you lose your appetite you eat less. If you eat less...you weight less which is what we all strive for after weight gainer meds have caused us to balloon to up to a heavier weight than what we are happy with.

I regard Topamax as a God send to help me with my weight. I just have to watch the dosage so I don't end up in a whacked out state of mind again.

Weight gainers destroy the metabolism and Topamx helps to counteract that problem. It is the only thing I have tried that helps counteract the effects of my destroyed metabolism.

www.topamax.com

Topamax was developed in the 1960s as a diet pill.
It was further developed for epilepsy. A good number of anti-epileptic drugs are used off label to treat Bipolar.
Topamax is also used off label to treat anxiety.
Currently, Topamax is approved as a daily treatment for the prevention of migraines. I get migraines, but get far fewer of them when I am on Topamax than when I am off Topamax. I did notice the before and after difference.